


Hard Headed and Stubborn Hearted (Means a Pain in Both)

by drainbamage954 (cats_cradle6766)



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: High School AU, M/M, The Black Death, really stupid dating stuff, sooheaven 2015
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-01-18
Updated: 2015-01-18
Packaged: 2018-05-01 15:18:02
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 71,176
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5210714
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cats_cradle6766/pseuds/drainbamage954
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Kyungsoo likes his men like he likes his action heroes, manlier than he is. But what happens when the cute dance team captain apparently has the hots for him and the only person who will listen is Sehun? Wait, Sehun?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. First Period: Morning Announcements

**Author's Note:**

> The ages and grade level of the characters is based on Western North American school systems and distribution, with some liberties taken regarding Kyungsoo’s relatives. All definitions listed have been taken from either dictionary definitions, which can be easily found online or from urban dictionary and are not my creation. 
> 
> This story deals with gender stereotyping and how people perceive and judge others based on constructions of gendered behavior and its' aesthetics, especially based in Western society.

✏

**Manly:** man-ly /’manlē/  
 _adjective_  
having or denoting those qualities traditionally associated with men, such as courage and strength  
 _“looking manly and capable in his tennis whites”_

(of an activity) befitting a man, especially in the traditional sense  
 _“the manly art of knife throwing”_

**First Period: Morning Announcements**

There are various ways someone can wake up in the morning. Sometimes on the right side of the bed, sometimes on the wrong side. Waking up can either be refreshing with the light of day and hope in the heart or with a massive headache from staying up too late playing Dragon Age. Most often, it's seen as normal that when you wake up, it is done in bed, and waking is done either in pajamas in some form or naked.

When Kyungsoo wakes up on Wednesday morning, it's not in his bed at all. Kyungsoo wakes up with his cheek stuck to a history textbook that is now delightfully decorated with some drool. Kyungsoo wakes up with an ache in his back from being slouched over his desk the whole night and with some anime Jongin had given him still playing on his computer. It had been put on to help Kyungsoo stay awake, and clearly failed in its purpose spectacularly.

It is rare that Kyungsoo starts his day like this. But then, it’s rare that Kyungsoo is so distracted during the afternoon that he doesn’t get to his homework until late. It hadn’t been until nearly ten the night prior that he’d finally been able to stagger upstairs and stare balefully at his homework.

“Wow,” Jongdae says when Kyungsoo walks into homeroom and drops his bag on a desk. “You look like shit.”

“Morning!” Chanyeol greets, leaning back in his chair with a smile that is much more welcoming than Jongdae’s. “Trouble sleeping?”

“Homework,” Kyungsoo mumbles, folding himself into a chair. Honestly, his homework might not have taken him so long if he hadn’t chosen the Biology project he did. But Kyungsoo is dedicated, and has made a decision and is going to stick by it. “Didn’t get to bed until late.”

“How late are we talking here?” Jongdae asks. He sitting in his chair entirely improperly, legs straddling over the seat and with the back of the chair at his front, arms draped over it. He leans forward, propping his chin on his arms and blinking at Kyungsoo. “Like, you stayed up until past midnight or you haven’t slept and we’re looking at a time bomb for the whole day of irritability?”

“I slept,” Kyungsoo answers him. Not sure about when he actually slept (sometime between when the horror magical girls all started dying and when the cat thing became evil), Kyungsoo only knows he didn’t sleep enough. That’s really all the important information he needs to give to people today. “A little.”

“So we should just…” Jongdae makes a vague hand gesture.

“What were you doing so late?” Chanyeol asks, frowning up at him. “Were you having trouble with something?”

“Just researching for the bio project,” Kyungsoo answers, running his hands over his face. “I was out later than I thought with Jongin yesterday. His dance practice went late, so he was late, and tutoring ran over.”

“Really?” The concern on Chanyeol’s face intensifies.

“He fell asleep,” Kyungsoo tells him, feeling even further exhausted. It’s not that he minds helping Jongin out with his homework, he just wishes Jongin would stay awake through the process.

Jongdae cracks up as Chanyeol looks a strange combination of amused and affectionately disappointed. “Well, try not to fall asleep in second period,” Chanyeol tells him with a small smile, already digging out his notebook for his next class. “Mrs. Jung isn’t really… lenient with kids falling asleep in her classes.”

“I know,” Kyungsoo says, swinging his foot to connect with Chanyeol’s chair lightly. It earns him a smile, and Kyungsoo lets himself return it. It helps him relax a little, already too tired to really care about whether he smiles or not.

Some days, he’s not sure if him being tired is a good thing or not. It used to be that being sleepy was fine, that Kyungsoo didn’t mind those lazy mornings, waking up to pad around to the downstairs, letting his dad ruffle his hair. Those sleep overs when he’d blink sleepily and curl up into Baekhyun’s side as the other kids all watched robots fight on the television. If he’s tired, he doesn’t care as much, too tired to really mind if he lets himself lean on people.

It’s always easiest to just let himself lean on others then, easier to smile, to laugh lightly, like a sort of barrier is let down.

“You know, maybe it’s a good thing he’s so tired today,” Jongdae comments, pulling Kyungsoo from his lethargic thought process about varying states of exhaustion and his responses to them. Jongdae looks much more awake and happy about it. “Baekhyun will be so happy.”

Kyungsoo doesn’t even have the energy to blow him off.

They’ve all been friends for ages. Since grade school, when they all used to meet up on the playground and would hope every year they were in the same classes. Weekends spent playing games, birthday parties, and play dates had transformed them all into close friends. Close enough that even if Baekhyun is a year ahead of them in school, he’s still so invested in their friend group it wouldn’t be the same without him.

They have survived through so much, like Chanyeol and Baekhyun’s fight back in middle school. And last year, when Kyungsoo ended up spending more time with…

The bell rings, and Jongdae lets out a long whine. “Come on, learning time,” Chanyeol tells him enthusiastically and earns a glower.

“We can’t all be so excited about education, Chanyeol, some of us have to balance you out for our sanity,” Jongdae tells him, pushing to his feet. Kyungsoo laughs under his breath, sweeping from the room and to his next class, leaving his friends to try to out talk each other.

A slight vibration in his pocket distracts him as he navigates through the crowd of students towards the third floor. Flipping open his phone, he reads a new message.

_R we still on 4 movies on Fri?_

Scrunching his lips to one side, Kyungsoo lets the students around him bustle him along as he types back a response.

_Is it so hard to type out the full words on your phone? You even have auto correct. Also, yes._

He’s smiling when he sends the message, looking up to make sure he’s not about to walk into someone.

_Yes. C U @ lunch!_

Sehun is doing it on purpose, even knowing it’ll earn him a punch in the shoulder. Kyungsoo also knows that Sehun will laugh at him as he receives the hit, eyes curving up into crescents as he leans away and scoots over in their lunch booth so they can sit together. Today Kyungsoo’s almost inclined not to do much at all, more tempted to just use Sehun as a vertical sleep support.

The only problem with that is that Sehun has developed this ability to see when something is wrong now, and he worries. Then he starts talking and the thing about Sehun when he starts talking is he doesn’t do a good job of stopping.

Sighing, Kyungsoo makes his way up the stairs, letting out a small gasp as someone knocks into him and his bag is knocked out of his arms. It drops to the floor and Kyungsoo is too slow to catch it.

It’s similar to a death sentence of immediate school social subjugation. A hold up during the commute to classes is like a car crash, where all the students stare like he’s personally insulted all of them. Stooping down quickly to try to grab his books that have spilled out of his arms, Kyungsoo jumps when a hand brushes his own and a soft voice speaks.

“Here, let me help you.”

Blinking, Kyungsoo looks up from his bag and into familiar warm brown eyes. Kyungsoo doesn’t smile, just registers the smiling young man before him. Yixing is wearing a too low shirt again, and his sweatshirt is inside out. “Morning,” Yixing says with that too nice to be real smile.

“Hi,” Kyungsoo says, and looks down again, quickly gathering his stuff. He barely gets a moment to stand though before his things are being taken out of his hands. Turning , Kyungsoo takes in Yixing in his inside-out hoodie holding his bag and smiling at him.

Expectantly.

“What class do you have?” Yixing asks, like this is _totally_ normal. Like he just always carries Kyungsoo’s books for him to classes.

“Literature,” Kyungsoo says, and tries to take his books. But Yixing is walking away, still smiling, with the obvious impression that Kyungsoo is going to follow him. He could argue, and demand his books back, but Yixing has a reputation of just doing nice things. Like this. Maybe. “You don’t have to carry those.”

“Are you taking it with Jung or Shim?” Yixing asks, ignoring Kyungsoo when he reaches for his books. His purple backpack is low on his back, swinging as he leans away from Kyungsoo when he reaches for his bag.

“Jung,” Kyungsoo says. He sighs, just letting Yixing carry his shit. He’ll get his things back for class anyway.

“I had Shim last year,” Yixing tells him. Kyungsoo didn’t ask, but apparently that doesn’t matter. “He was pretty strict. I swear, it was almost impossible to pass his quizzes unless you read the material at least twice. It was like torture for those who just used spark notes and summaries online. I heard Jung is a lot nicer and doesn’t spend most of the class terrifying the students.” He smiles like he’s just shared a joke.

Kyungsoo doesn’t laugh. He’s walking with Yixing, in the direction of Mrs. Jung’s classroom, but with most of his steps, Yixing seems to step closer. He keeps smiling, like today is wonderful and he’s just happy to be around Kyungsoo. Walking too close.

“Oh,” Kyungsoo says, not sure how he’s supposed to reply. He’s never been exceptionally good with jokes, with bantering back and forth. He’d rather just go to class. “This is me,” he says, stopping near his classroom. This time, when he reaches for his books, Yixing lets him take them. Still smiling. It’s a little disarming, like he’s just stuck on default nice person around Kyungsoo.

Kyungsoo's already too tired to try to figure out what this means today. 

“Anyway, it was nice to run into you this morning,” Yixing says. There are less students on the third floor. Kyungsoo watches as some of his classmates walk past them, throwing him curious looks. “I’ll see you at lunch today? You sit with Baekhyun and that crew right? Maybe we can sit together today.”

Kyungsoo just makes a sound he isn’t really sure is an answer.

“Have a good class, Kyungsoo!” Yixing tells him, smile sweet and reaching out to pat him on the arm. Then he’s pulling away with both hands waving and half walking-half skipping down the hall.

Like he’s just experienced something life changing.

“Hey,” taps him to attention on the shoulder as Kyungsoo sits in Literature and tries to listen to Mrs. Jung. Turning, he’s met with the inquisitive eyes of Irene. “Were you talking to Yixing before class?”

“Maybe,” Kyungsoo tells her, keeping his voice low. Mrs. Jung once was said to throw erasers to inattentive students. Which was far more threatening than Mr. Jung, who had a squishy thinking ball, and far less than Mr. Shim, who apparently dumped students from their chairs.

“So is that like…” Irene wagged her eyebrows, scooting a bit closer to Kyungsoo at his desk. "A thing? I heard he's gotten sweet on you lately."

Kyungsoo’s mouth thins into a line, pulling back from her. “He’s not my type” Kyungsoo tells her flatly.

\- 

The general referral of a ‘type’ is something that everyone just seems to have. It’s like a standard qualifier that is stated as a purpose. Similar to what is asked when traveling, the new ‘business or pleasure’ is ‘do you like your men manly, bears, or shota’. Things were easier when it was just ‘do you like men or women?’ and that was all people cared about. Now that time has gone on, it’s a whole new dictionary of terminology and decisions and stylistic improvements that all boil down to a simple thing.

Does Kyungsoo like men who act like men or men who act like women?

In Kyungsoo’s opinion, this is simply absurd, because being attracted to men means he doesn’t want to date a woman in the first place, so the answer should be obvious.

“What?” Jongdae doesn’t speak very well around chocolate bars, nor does he scowl very well with candy sticking out of his mouth.

Kyungsoo shrugs, looking away from his friend and his sugar obsession. “It’s not that weird.”

“Wait, no.” Jongdae has taken the chocolate bar from his mouth to gesture with it instead. “No, it has to be weird. Because you’re weird-“ Kyungsoo looks up to glare at him pointedly “-in a totally good, awesome, thank you for being my greatest friend sort of way.” Jongdae smiles dazzlingly at him. “But seriously, explain this to me. Because the last I knew you just liked you men big and stupid.”

“There’s nothing manly about being big and stupid,” Kyungsoo tells him flatly. 

“Yeah, but big and stupid was basically what Yifan was in a nutshell if we’re going by type here,” Baekhyun comments, rolling over on Kyungsoo’s bed to join the conversation. Kyungsoo frowns at him too. “I mean, like, he was nice, but I swear the only reason he was funny was because he thought he was.”

“He was funny,” Kyungsoo states. It’s been a few months, and a season or two since Yifan left. The whole thing is still something Kyungsoo doesn’t really want to think about. It just makes him sad, and he doesn’t really like being sad. “It just worked.”

“Which is why you’ve latched onto the idea that you want a brick for a boyfriend,” Jongdae observes dryly from the floor. He’s done a fantastic job of burying his history homework they’re working on with candy wrappers.

“I don’t want a brick of a boyfriend,” Kyungsoo tells his friend firmly. “I just have a type. Just like you and Baekhyun do.”

“Mine’s Helvetica,” Baekhyun comments from the bed and Jongdae wolf whistles. When Kyungsoo looks over at him in disapproval, Baekhyun just wags his eyebrows at him, sticking his tongue out. “I always thought Kyungsoo was more of a webdings myself.”

“That’s not even a font, it’s just symbols,” Kyungsoo points out irritably. This is a _serious_ conversation that he doesn't even want to be having. He doesn’t need Baekhyun making fun of it.

“Exactly,” Baekhyun tells him, still grinning. Kyungsoo throws his frog shaped eraser at him. “Thanks, I’ve always wanted this.” Baekhyun grins brightly at Kyungsoo’s responding scowl. “Anyway, I think Jongdae is right. You don’t need a ‘manly man’ thing with a masculinity complex. You need, like…”

“A Yixing,” Jongdae suggests. Sitting in his wrapper nest, he gives Kyungsoo one of his ‘looks.’ 

Jongdae’s ‘looks’ are mostly when he contorts his whole body in a suggestive indicating manner, involving much eyebrow arching, pointed staring, and angling of his face for maximum effect. There’s probably also some contortion involved but overall it just makes him look extremely stupid.

Whenever Jongdae gives Kyungsoo one of his special ‘looks’ it always ends in Kyungsoo feeling like he does right now; futile and frustrated with the world. Of course, he doesn’t tell Jongdae that. Instead he just schools his expression into impassiveness, then looks back down at his text books.

The last time Jongdae had given Kyungsoo that look had been when Kyungsoo told him Yifan was leaving and they were breaking up because it was the right decision. No hard feelings, just no more dating and Kyungsoo totally understood that right? It had taken Jongdae four hours of car chase movie marathons before he got Kyungsoo to acknowledge he was upset. If it had been anyone but Jongdae, Kyungsoo probably would have kicked them out.

Because it was Jongdae, Kyungsoo had pushed his face into his friend’s shoulder when Jongdae took his hand and squeezed reassuringly. Jongdae hadn’t seen him cry, and so he could never say that Kyungsoo had. He could only say that Kyungsoo suddenly developed a serious case of sniffling and fell asleep on him. It had helped, a lot, and after that Kyungsoo didn’t frown as deeply when noticing his phone was missing a familiar number and emoticons.

It was around that time that Kyungsoo developed the habit of checking his phone too often, and Sehun noticed. It was around that time that Kyungsoo began getting a lot of texts from Sehun and he ended up forgetting the text messages that weren’t there. He was spending too much time trying to get Sehun to use actual words instead of ‘type slang’ and cure Sehun of being a lazy giggling toddler.

That had helped too, and Baekhyun had commented that Kyungsoo got his heart smile back and that they could lower the red alert to a yellow alert.

Kyungsoo had punched him, but the flicker in Baekhyun’s laughing eyes had made him pause. Baekhyun cared and had been worried, even if he wasn’t always the best at figuring out how to show it. Which is probably why Kyungsoo doesn’t want to make him worry so much by discussing why he just doesn’t want to suddenly fall for the flirtatious behavior of the dance team captain.

Who doesn’t seem to understand the general social signal that avoidance means ‘do not want.’

Kyungsoo wants a man who is, well, a man, like that gallant, masculine type who doesn’t gesture or act cute and make hearts at people and _giggle_. The sort of man that someone might have described as ‘swashbuckling’ once upon a time that would have no problem making a decision or killing spiders. Kyungsoo isn’t interested in someone who is cuter than he physically is.

Kyungsoo is also manly, he just gets confused as being ‘cute’ because he looks like it. 

“What’s so bad about Yixing?” Baekhyun asks. He’s still sprawled on Kyungsoo’s bed, and is squinting at him. “He seems like a pretty good guy, and he clearly is trying to get you to see that.”

“I just…” Kyungsoo shifts on the floor. He thinks for a second, about strong builds and big hands and handsome smiles and thick calves and decisive complacent behavior. Then he thinks of big smiles and cute dimples and fluttering hand gestures and the uncanny resembles to llama-bunny hybrids on a human. “He’s not my type.”

“Right,” Jongdae adds dryly. “Yixing. Dance captain. Thighs of thunder who insists on carrying your books for you and has a tendency to hold your hand and ask you how your day was and if you’ve eaten yet. Definitely not boyfriend material-“ Kyungsoo frowns at him “-or manly.”

“Kyungsoo, do you even know what manly is?” Baekhyun asks.

“I’m manly,” Kyungsoo says flatly. Jongdae looks about ready to either give another of his ‘looks’ or burst into his shrill banshee giggles. “What? I’m manlier than you are.”

“And why is that?” Jongdae asks him with a poorly restrained laugh in his voice. “Because my favorite color is pink?”

“Only real men wear pink,” Baekhyun confirms from the bed and Jongdae nods sagely. “Real men and power rangers.”

“If you think Yixing is so great, then you guys go ahead and date him,” Kyungsoo says, frowning at them both. Kyungsoo doesn’t need to explain this to them, how he’s just not interested. Yixing is nice, and he’s very nice to Kyungsoo, but that doesn’t mean Kyungsoo has to turn around and date him.

“That’s rude,” Jongdae says, pulling yet another candy bar from his backpack. “That’s completely disrespecting the feelings he has for you. And who are we to deprive you of such a fine man?”

“He has unicorn keychains on his backpack,” Kyungsoo says flatly. It gets old, how both Jongdae and Baekhyun have seen to take it upon themselves to hover far more than usual. Kyungsoo doesn’t need them to set him up or get him a boyfriend. He had one, and now he doesn’t, and he’s okay with that.

On the floor next to his books, his phone buzzes, Sehun’s name flashing on the screen.

“You have more stuffed animals on your bed than anyone I’ve ever met,” Baekhyun says, picking up one and plopping the plushie giraffe in his lap.

“They’re sentimental,” Kyungsoo informs him. Picking up his phone, he tunes out the other two, opening the message from Sehun. “It’s just a hobby.”

_Jongin kept bossing me around during practice today and got slappy again :C_

“So maybe Yixing’s hobby is collecting unicorn keychains,” Baekhyun says, tossing the tiny stuffed giraffe to Jongdae over Kyungsoo’s head. “Who are you to judge him for liking unicorns when he has amazing pecs?”

_Are you sure you weren’t asking for it?_

“What do his pecs have to do with it?” Kyungsoo asks, looking up at him with a frown.

Baekhyun just stares at him. “Isn’t that- Kyungsoo, have you even _looked_ at him?”

“Yes,” Kyungsoo answers, turning back to his phone and the newest message from Sehun. “I look at him often, because he won’t leave me alone.”

_Rude. Teach me your ways where Jongin never lays a hand on you_

_Those are classified_

“Is it such a hassle to give the guy a chance?” Baekhyun says, and his tone is slightly edged, like he’s getting frustrated with Kyungsoo. It’s uncalled for, considering Kyungsoo doesn’t feel like this is fair at all. He just wanted to do his homework in the company of his friends, not try to defend his choices.

“I just don’t want- I don’t have any interest in dating him,” Kyungsoo says flatly, staring at Baekhyun. He ignores his phone when it vibrates in his hands again. “He’s not my style, so get off my back about it.”

“But-“

“Shut up,” Kyungsoo says sharply, and watches Baekhyun’s mouth snap closed. Turning back to his books, he puts his phone back down, frowning. “I can’t study when you’re being loud.”

“But I’m always loud,” Baekhyun says. He catches the stuffed giraffe when Jongdae throws it back to him. “Are you telling me not to be myself?”

Kyungsoo doesn’t answer him, instead leaning back against his desk and ignoring him and ending his participation in the subject. Baekhyun and Jongdae do this mostly because they want to pull a reaction from him. Slapping away Baekhyun’s reaching fingers, he tucks his knees to his chest, burying his nose in his text book.

It’s easier to read about a disease that wiped out the most number of people in human history than to argue with Baekhyun about his feelings. He likes to think doesn’t have very many anyway.

-

**Manly**  
adj.  
a word used to describe something or someone that displays unusually man-like traits.  
 _“king kong is so manly”_

 

Since the beginning of the year, Kyungsoo has had significantly less time to just be on his own. This is partially because he no longer has a reason to tell his friends no, smiling and stating plans with his boyfriend, because he doesn’t have one anymore. Now, he has to either lie, or tell his friends that he doesn’t want to spend time with them.

The problem with telling people he doesn’t want to spend time with them is that this tends to make them upset or offended. It’s easier to just say yes, and remind himself that no matter how many times Sehun keeps touching his ears, Sehun doesn’t deserve to be stabbed with a bendy straw.

The nice thing about Sehun though is how, unlike Jongdae and Chanyeol who worry visibly about him, he doesn’t push Kyungsoo. Sehun has the wonderful ability to talk to himself and Kyungsoo never has to fully involve himself in the conversation and it won’t insult Sehun. Sehun also is about the only person Kyungsoo knows who can both judge someone into an early grave (like himself) and genuinely care about people without getting into their hair.

The downsides of Sehun are how he seems to have a fascination with touching _literally_ everything. Especially Kyungsoo.

“Stop,” Kyungsoo tells him, reaching up finally to push Sehun’s hand away from where he’s been tugging on his earlobe. “You’ll make it fall off.”

“Then you’ll be even more interesting,” Sehun tells him. He stops tugging on Kyungsoo’s ear though, just resting his hand on Kyungsoo’s shoulder instead. “The man with one ear lobe. They can make a documentary about you and show it in film festivals and you’ll be famous for all those eclectic art enthusiasts. They’ll have meetings in bookshop cafes about you as they knit prayer shawls to send you and your sad lack of one earlobe.”

Sehun just grins when Kyungsoo glances at him from the side, wide and tiny teeth and eyes that match his expression. Kyungsoo feels his mouth twitch, wanting to curve up and return the smile, but he looks away before he does. “I don’t want to be famous.”

“Then I’ll just have Chanyeol teach me how to knit so I can make you a shawl for you,” Sehun tells him. His fingers begin drumming on Kyungsoo’s shoulder. “Chanyeol and I can start a business even, both of us knitting shawls for those in need for their less known ailments. Like your earlobe or Jongin’s bad waist or Chanyeol’s two left feet. We’ll become this big nonprofit and you can just be our poster boy because you’re so cute and everyone will love you.”

“I’m not cute,” Kyungsoo tells Sehun reflexively. “I don’t do cute.”

“But you look so cute,” Sehun says. They’re seated outside, on the picnic benches in the park near the school. They had bought bubble tea (Sehun’s decision) before coming here. Kyungsoo’s is cool in his hands, Sehun’s already finished beside him. It’s kind of like their thing now, where Sehun asks him with hope glinting in his eyes to hang out and Kyungsoo says yes.

“That doesn’t mean I am cute,” Kyungsoo tells him, shrugging his shoulders to get Sehun’s hand off. “I’m handsome.”

“Why can’t you be both?” Sehun asks him, fingers finally stopping and just resting. “Is there any way that you can’t be both handsome and cute? Technically, you’re an x and a y chromosome, so what’s the big deal about being two things? It’s not like they’re mutually exclusive or something.” He lets his hand fall, leaning back on the table to take in Kyungsoo. “Take me for example. I’m dashingly handsome and have flawless bone structure and I cry at the Humane Society commercials that have Sarah McLachlan as their theme music.”

“No one can survive those commercials without crying,” Kyungsoo tells him. How anyone can survive through watching sad, cute, lonely looking baby animals while a woman sings to you about suffering in a voice like your mother’s angelic lullaby without crying is beyond Kyungsoo. “Unless, like, they have no heart.”

“Do you think Batman would cry if he watched it?” Sehun asks him, face scrunching up in thought.

“I think Bruce Wayne has other reasons for crying, and just doesn’t,” Kyungsoo says slowly, with thought. “Real men don’t cry.”

“Then what do they do?” Sehun scoffs at him, throwing him a raised look. “Punch down trees instead to cope with their emotions? Everyone cries, even you. Are you telling me a man isn’t a man if he cries?”

“No,” Kyungsoo says. He drags his bottom lip between his teeth, chewing it as he meets Sehun’s gaze. It’s actually a relief to be out with Sehun today instead of with Jongdae and Chanyeol, who were _not_ happy with him today. This is primarily because he got into a heated argument with them (where they pressured him and he said some very bad words) about why he didn’t want to date Yixing.

This was made worse when Yixing showed up just after and asked him if he was free this weekend.

It’s like everything lately has been set up to revolve around this one point in his life and Kyungsoo is finding it extremely tedious.

“Then what are you telling me?” Sehun asks. “I’m not a real man because I don’t swallow down my emotions and turn into a stone pole of apathy?”

“I didn’t say that.” Kyungsoo sighs. He likes hanging out with Sehun, even if Sehun likes to poke him. “Never mind.”

For a long moment, Sehun says nothing, and there’s a hanging silence between them that isn’t common when they’re just hanging out. Kyungsoo prefers the silence, comfortable in it, and likes when people understand that. He also likes when he doesn’t feel like he has to fill silences, like when his friends just fill them for him, and he can listen and isn’t obligated to say something funny or clever.

He knows he’s not funny or clever like his other friends are. Like Baekhyun or Jongdae or Chanyeol, and usually that doesn’t bother him, and he knew better than to try after all his nervous jokes on first dates fell flat.

_Was that supposed to be funny? It… wasn’t. Jokes aren’t really your thing, Kyungsoo._

A light touch to his leg has Kyungsoo looking up. Sehun doesn’t look annoyed, just thoughtful as he sits up and scoots closer to him. “Do you want to talk about it?”

There it is. That weird thing he does where Sehun, the typically distractible boy who can’t find his way out of a puzzle box, manages to surprise him. That thing where he just seems to _know_ when Kyungsoo isn’t okay.

Staring at his hands as they cradle his warming bubble tea, Kyungsoo wets his lips. “Not really,” he admits. “I just-“ he cuts himself off with a frown. “I know what I like, and don’t get why just because Yifan and I broke up, I have to go and agree to go out with whatever guy likes me. Just because he’s handsome doesn’t mean he’s what I want to date, or that I like him back.”

“Is handsome the main thing?” Sehun asks. “Because, you know, I’m super handsome. Like, the yearbook staff asked to photograph me in the first week of school because I’m so great.”

Sehun lets out a snuffled laugh as Kyungsoo reaches up reflexively and shoves his head away, eyes curved up in amusement. “Brat.” Sehun grins, his white teeth flashing. “You’re way more cute than I am.”

“What if we’re both like a combo?” Sehun ponders, leaning back into Kyungsoo’s space, pressing into his side. “Like, one of those cool bonuses in a video game, handsome-cute combo strike. Double the damage. Get all the boys.”

“What if I don’t want all the boys?” Kyungsoo asks, frowning.

“Well, you can give them all to me as collateral for my coming up with the idea,” Sehun tells him simply, shrugging. He laughs again as Kyungsoo reaches up to roughly ruffle his hair, a smile tugging at his own lips as Sehun ducks away. As he quiets, he leans back into Kyungsoo’s side. It’s nice, because it’s like permission for Kyungsoo to lean back.

Kyungsoo has never been one to specifically initiate contact, aside from staying safe, like holding hands to stay together in crowds and when he feels anxious. But like this, it’s easier, the first step taken for him so he can just lean in and not think about it.

Sehun is good at it, as is Jongdae. Yifan always knew about it, and Kyungsoo presses his lips tighter when his mind brings up those old images.

“Why do you want someone who is so ‘manly’ anyway?” Sehun asks him. His fingers are tapping on Kyungsoo’s thigh now, a nonsensical rhythm. “Aside from it being a type, or a style, at least. What’s so attractive about it?”

In the afternoon sunlight, the warm weather around them and his bubble tea cooling his skin as his hands warm it, Kyungsoo takes a moment to think before he answers. Manly is an ideal, kind of like a general term, where a man is a man and does what he’s supposed to. There isn’t drama, or excessive exhaustive romance, and things are just simple.

Like math. Kyungsoo plus gay divided by lifestyle equals a boyfriend who acts like the kind of guys Kyungsoo watches in the action movies he likes.

A Kim Wonbin or a Han Solo.

“It's like the difference between liking Anakin Skywalker and Han Solo,” Kyungsoo finally says. “Like, I don’t want to date a guy who turns into Darth Vader and needs a mask to breathe ominously. I want to date a Han Solo, who shoots people under a table.”

“So what you’re really saying is you’re type is a bounty hunter instead of a Jedi knight,” Sehun surmises, squinting at nothing.

“Yes,” Kyungsoo says. “Except without the Wookiee.”

“That’s stupid,” Sehun says, scoffing and pulling away. “The Wookiee is the best part.”

“I couldn’t stand the shedding,” Kyungsoo says and Sehun dissolves into laughter. The air feels lighter after that, and Kyungsoo spends the rest of the afternoon with Sehun telling him about how he’s discovered his true dance calling in something called _’urban’_.

To Kyungsoo, it sounds like a lot of loud sounds and very alarming body movements, but he smiles as Sehun explains it animatedly, comfortable.


	2. Second Period: Post Homeroom Stretch.

At the end of Freshman year last year, as Kyungsoo was selecting his courses for the fall and the beginning of his second year of high school, he had to choose between two of the main science courses.

Chemistry or Biology.

In the end, his decision was made for him by his friends (mostly Baekhyun) who decided they’d suffer through their sciences together with varying degrees of competency. As Baekhyun had yet to fulfill his own biology course, he, Jongdae, Chanyeol, and Kyungsoo had all signed up for the same class. About a month into it, Kyungsoo realized he enjoyed the class similarly to how Chanyeol enjoyed telling people off for cheating on their homework.

With great relish.

Though the unit on bugs and insects had been uncomfortable, he’d gotten through it relatively well. Most of his ability to cope came from watching Baekhyun scream every time anyone approached him with a bug. This led to some of the most delicious vengeance for the last ten years of their friendship, as Kyungsoo was paired with him as ‘project partners.’

It makes Kyungsoo smile nostalgically now as well, remembering how he could calmly place an enormous lethocerus americanus (Giant water bug) on Baekhyun and watch him promptly lose his shit.

The ending of the bug unit had left Kyungsoo feeling slightly less enthusiastic until the new unit was introduced: diseases and abnormalities.

Kyungsoo had been the first one to approach their professor, holding his books, and claim a topic. Mrs. Kwon had looked at him with hesitancy before writing down “THE PLAGUE” by his name on the class list. Granted, she’d looked at Baekhyun with much more hesitancy when he’d sauntered up to her desk a day before the final decision date and told her “spontaneous human combustion.”

The nice thing about being able to take a course he’s interested in, and a project that he wasn’t assigned, is that Kyungsoo actually finds himself really enjoying working on it.

“How can you just sit there and read about people dying like it’s not crushing your soul?” Baekhyun grumbles at him. Currently in the computer lap, Kyungsoo is reading through articles relating to the bubonic plague as Baekhyun finds out how well he can type with his nose. “It’s like you’re dead inside. Like the black death is you, except in nice packaging.”

“Yersinia pestis was carried in the stomachs of fleas, not humans,” Kyungsoo tells him, not looking away from the article he’s reading. “It's a bacteria, not a person. Though at the time, most people believed that the black death wasn’t even a bacteria, because-“

“Stop, please stop,” Baekhyun whines, smushing his face back onto his keyboard. “I can’t even annoy you when you’re like this, it’s too depressing. Why did you have to choose the most morbid topic that exists to research? _No one_ thinks morbidity is hot.”

“Their loss,” Kyungsoo shrugs, writing down a few notes in his notebook. “It’s interesting. This was the largest death toll in human history that wasn’t caused by war, and revolutionary for-“

“Yeah, see, I stopped listening when you defined this as ‘interesting’,” Baekhyun tells him. Sitting up, he finally slouches back into his chair, legs spread and sagging with a heavy sigh. “Now see, people randomly exploding into flames? That’s cool. And clean. They become ash not zombies. Not depressing at all, just unique.” He grins, eyebrows wagging. “Unique is hot.”

“Actually, I’ve heard that knowledge is the new sexy,” Chanyeol says as he arrives on the conversation. He smiles at them as he takes the chair next to Kyungsoo and pulls out a notebook.

“Who told you that?” Baekhyun asks, one eyebrow raised.

“A lot of people say it,” Chanyeol says lightly, booting up his computer.

“Yeah, but who actually told you that?” Baekhyun asks, leaning over Kyungsoo to Chanyeol. Frowning, Kyungsoo shoves him back into his chair, trying to focus on his computer screen. “People don’t just go around telling you knowledge is hot, so who is hitting on you and filling your head with lies?”

“Just because no one tells you that you’re hot because your smart doesn’t mean it’s not true, Baekhyun,” Chanyeol says easily. “It just means people don’t think you’re that smart.”

“My inner genius is untapped and suffering,” Baekhyun bemoans. Kyungsoo frowns, wishing they would shut up so he could concentrate. They only have a half of a period in the labs for research and he wants to use that time as well as he can. “It’s just innate, like a super hidden talent that comes to life when I have to do my research papers and exams. I’m not meant to be grouped among you normal people.”

“Sure,” Chanyeol snorts, pushing his glasses up his nose as he opens up his web browser. “That’s why you begged me for help on your algebra homework all of last year.”

“I’m an artist,” Baekhyun huffs. “An emblem of a right brained person.”

“I think wrong brained fits better,” Kyungsoo mumbles, and Chanyeol snorts loudly into his computer screen.

“Don't insult artists, we give you the music you listen to and sing and design your clothing,” Baekhyun tells him haughtily. “Appreciate us and worship our brilliance.” Kyungsoo finally tears his eyes away from his diagram of fleas to give Baekhyun a dour look. He stills a moment later, noticing as the door to the computer labs opens, and a familiar person walks in.

Yixing is wearing a pale violet hoodie today, tight pants, and has his hair styled to sweep perfectly across his forehead. He looks almost pretty, his stronger facial structure softened by his hair framing his face. He’s carrying a bright pink folder and sways a bit as he walks, as if normal walking is too boring for him.

Kyungsoo instinctively sinks down in his chair, trying to minimize himself so he’s not noticed. Unfortunately, Baekhyun notices immediately, and after a brief look at Kyungsoo for his behavior, he turns around in his chair searching for the cause. A wide amused grin breaks over his face as he catches sight of Yixing. Kyungsoo swears under his breath. 

“Speaking of artistic and hot,” Baekhyun says, his smile so wide his little pointed teeth press into his lower lip.

“No,” Kyungsoo says firmly, glaring at him. Chanyeol notices, and turns with a small frown of confusion before he sees Yixing as well, and his eyes widen before he looks apprehensive. “Baekhyun, no.”

“What?” Baekhyun glances back at Yixing as Kyungsoo frowns at him. “He is. Even you can’t deny that. Just look at those broad shoulders. And he bakes cookies for his friends when they’re sick I heard. What more do you want?”

“I don’t _want_ someone baking me cookies when I’m sick,” Kyungsoo hushes under his breath with grit teeth. He _really_ doesn’t want to talk about this right now. He just wants to research for his project and _not_ have every conversation he has with Baekhyun be about Yixing. “I want someone who will leave me the fuck alone so I can sleep and get better, not a mother.”

“Kyungsoo,” Chanyeol says quietly beside him, but Kyungsoo doesn’t turn. He continues to stare down Baekhyun, pushing Chanyeol’s hand off his arm.

“Why do you care if I date him or not? Just leave me alone and stop trying to run my life for me,” Kyungsoo hisses at Baekhyun.

It’s rare that Baekhyun actually looks startled, that he doesn’t have a comeback or is speechless. He is now, eyes wide and mouth slightly parted as he sits still in his computer chair. The irritation that had flared in anger in Kyungsoo’s chest fades, leaving him staring at Baekhyun and feeling a little bad, but he doesn’t take it back. Finally, Baekhyun shifts, wetting his lips and closing his mouth as he eases a bit under Kyungsoo’s glare, no longer teasing.

“I just wanted to see you do something that would make you happy,” Baekhyun says, voice quieter than it usually is. There’s something else there, in his voice, but Kyungsoo is too taken aback to push to see what it is.

“You-“

“You haven’t really been the same since Yifan dumped you,” Baekhyun says, taking in a fast breath and recovering himself. “I just want you to go out and maybe enjoy yourself a little, play around and maybe give him a chance.” He wets his lips again, and tries for a smile. “Maybe he’ll figure out you’re boring and that’s the end of it or he’ll not like you because you’re not cute enough for him.”

Kyungsoo scowls, but the anger is missing from it. “I don’t want to date a guy who can’t understand that I don’t want to date him-“

“Then just flat out tell him you don’t want to date him,” Chanyeol cuts in easily. Turning to look at him, Kyungsoo stares as Chanyeol continues to examine the information on his computer with a small frown. “You haven’t told him no so far, so either end it now, or just give him a chance.” He turns then, looking at Kyungsoo with a sort of complacency.

Kyungsoo stares at him, not entirely sure if Chanyeol is annoyed with him or is just actually giving him advice. It’s hard to tell sometimes, and Kyungsoo has never been able to read people that well, especially Chanyeol who often smiles when he’s upset. Kyungsoo also stares because Chanyeol has a point, even if it hadn’t entirely occurred to Kyungsoo.

Maybe Yixing really doesn’t get that Kyungsoo’s standoffish behavior is because he’s not interested, and just thinks he’s nervous. Maybe Yixing has no idea that Kyungsoo wants him to stop bothering him, to stop flirting with him. Maybe he really is that thick.

“Unless, of course, you’re just being super tsundere about this whole thing, in which case I can guarantee you, Yixing probably can’t read that,” Chanyeol continues, flashing him a grin. Behind him, Kyungsoo hears Baekhyun groan.

“Who taught you that word?” Baekhyun asks, leaning into Kyungsoo’s space and staring at Chanyeol. “Did you just make it up?”

“I didn’t make it up,” Chanyeol protests, and a little pink colors his cheeks. “We’re going over character types in anime club and-“

“So definitely a made up word,” Baekhyun interrupts, slouching back into his seat.

“Jongin explained the whole character type to us last week,” Chanyeol finishes, with a pointed thin line of his mouth directed at Baekhyun. “It’s not my fault you’re uncultured.”

“Look, I can’t follow yours and Jongin’s made up languages,” Baekhyun says with a wave of his hand.

“It’s _Japanese_ ,” Chanyeol says, now looking relatively annoyed that Baekhyun is being purposefully ignorant. “It’s a language that’s been around longer than _the aqueduct_.”

“Stop making up words to make yourself look smarter, I can guarantee it doesn’t make you look any more attractive,” Baekhyun tells him, and grins delightedly at Chanyeol’s returning frown.

“What is tsundere?” Kyungsoo asks, ignoring Baekhyun’s triumph and turning to Chanyeol.

“It means you’re being purposefully cold to him despite how you have feelings towards him,” Chanyeol explains, looking relieved that someone takes him seriously. “Like, you’re being all cold and standoffish towards Yixing but inside your heart is a giant marshmallow just wanting to be loved, and so you push him away and ignore him but really when he comes and gives you attention you’re falling deeper and deeper in lo-“

“No,” Kyungsoo cuts him off, grimacing as Chanyeol becomes more and more enthused in his explanation. “No, I’m not tsundere for Yixing.”

“But what if you are and you just don’t know it?” Baekhyun asks, a new smile on his lips. Fiendish. “What if the more you spend time with him, your heart begins to go all ‘doki! doki!’-“ Baekhyun raises his voice and make hideously cute fists that he squishes into his cheeks “-as he shows off how well he pelvic thrusts for those dance steps.” Baekhyun finishes with his fists squished into his face, with a sort of maniacal gleam in his eyes that speaks of all the porn he watches.

“Promise me,” Kyungsoo says, meeting Baekhyun’s gaze full on. “That you will never, ever, do that again. Near me. Or anyone.”

“But it’s so cute,” Baekhyun pouts at him with his voice high and more irritating than usual. “Aren’t I so cute?”

“No,” Kyungsoo tells him flatly. “That’s disturbing.”

“Who uses made up words now?” Chanyeol comments. Baekhyun drops his hands and sticks out his tongue.

“But you never know,” Baekhyun says, leaning in and angling himself towards Kyungsoo so he can see the rest of the computer lab. “Maybe you _are_ tsundere for Yixing, but you’ll never know because you’re so closed minded about this manly thing. What if he’s actually the man of your dimpled well formed pectorals dreams?”

Kyungsoo doesn’t reply immediately, his mind going between what Chanyeol had said and the brief moment where Baekhyun actually let slip that he was concerned. About him. He looks at Baekhyun’s smarmy grin and considers for a brief moment, just flat out turning Yixing down the next time he sees him, and telling him no. Unbidden, he thinks about when he met Yifan and had been taken in immediately by his looks, only later realizing how much he enjoyed Yifan’s personality and how he was so lax about relationships.

Thinking of Yixing, his smiles and his gestures that get out of hand and the way he seems to exaggerate all his movements, Kyungsoo considers maybe this could be the reverse case. Where Yixing may, under all his… flamboyance, surprise him.

Maybe.

“I’m telling him you have a deep fascination with his pecs though,” Kyungsoo finally tells Baekhyun. “Because it’s strange, and he should be warned about you.”

“I’m innocent, what are you talking about?” Baekhyun asks, but under the affronted tone he sounds relieved. “Plus, if you tell him that I’ll just say it’s a cover up I use so you can talk about them without feeling awkward.” Kyungsoo’s eye twitches, and he feels the need to sink down in his seat. He shouldn’t have said anything.

“Well, now is your chance to tell him whatever you decide,” Chanyeol says suddenly. Spinning to stare at him, Kyungsoo watches with dim foreboding as Chanyeol stands up, smile wide, and waves into the computer lab. Turning to see over his shoulder, Kyungsoo watches as Yixing turns to them, surprise, and then relieved happiness on his face as he walks over. His eyes flicker to Baekhyun, and then land on Kyungsoo. His smile widens, his dimple pressing into his cheek as he scurries a little on his way over.

“Thanks!” Yixing says, keeping his voice down as he walks up. “I couldn’t seem to find a computer that was open.”

“Not a problem,” Chanyeol says with a wide grin. “I was just leaving to go and check on the broadcasting crew before lunch. You don’t mind sitting with Kyungsoo, do you?” His eyes flicker over to Kyungsoo and widen slightly in significance.

Apparently, Yixing doesn’t mind at all, giving a soft little inclination of his head as Chanyeol walks off, before he’s slipping quickly into the chair beside Kyungsoo. “I hope you don’t mind,” he says, turning to Kyungsoo with a bright smile. “I have to get a paper printed for my Literature class fourth period.”

“Okay,” Kyungsoo says, and holds down a grimace as he feels Baekhyun pinch his thigh, hard. “It’s fine, we’re just in here for a research period with Bio.”

“Oh really?” Yixing asks, and his attention focuses on Kyungsoo. “That would definitely explain why all the computers are taken then.” He smiles. “What is your unit on?”

“Problems with humans,” Baekhyun says under his breath by his computer. It’s the first time he’s really quiet during a social engagement. Kyungsoo wonders if it’s his way of silent revenge for all the bugs Kyungsoo put on him and in his hair.

“We’re doing a unit on diseases and ailments that humans face,” Kyungsoo explains. Yixing doesn’t seem to be at all concerned with printing out his paper, instead leaning into Kyungsoo and listening to him, his arms resting on the table space between their keyboards. “It’s mostly about bacteria and viruses and-“

“I remember that unit,” Yixing says brightly. “It was after the insects stuff, right?” He squeezes his eyes shut, giving a little full body shiver. “I couldn’t stand all the bugs, even if they were important to learn about. I think for the disease thing I chose to do… um.” He frowns, dragging his lower lip between his teeth and looking cutely flummoxed. “I think I did mine on the flu of 1918? With Han. We shared the project. He did all the war and disease stuff and I think I did all the medicine stuff.” He lets out a little laugh. “Or maybe it was the other way around. Either way, it was kind of sad to look up.”

“See?” Baekhyun mutters under his breath behind him.

“What are you working on?” Yixing asks him, leaning in and glancing at Kyungsoo’s computer with interest.

“The plague,” Kyungsoo answers. Now would be the time to tell Yixing, to just flat out say it and clear things up, and tell him he’s not interested.

“The black one?” Yixing asks him, eyebrows raising. He looks back at Kyungsoo.

“Yes,” Kyungsoo says. He wasn’t aware they had other colors for a ‘plague’ aside from specific labeled diseases, like scarlet and yellow fever. “The black plague.”

“I think I remember that one,” Yixing says, leaning back a bit. He finally turns to his computer, pulling out a USB stick and inserting it into the proper port. “It was pretty bad.”

“Yeah,” Kyungsoo agrees. He wasn’t aware that the black death was an obscure topic. He fidgets, Baekhyun’s fingers pinching him again and making him almost squirm. “What’s your paper on?”

“Oh, I’m, well-“ Yixing lets out a little laugh, a hand raising to rub embarrassedly at the back of his head. “I kind of wrote it last minute. I had to do the whole choreo session last week with dance team, so I kind of went off sparknotes.”

Kyungsoo frowns. “Isn’t that cheating?”

“No,” Yixing says. “Besides, if I get poor marks for it, it’s my fault. I should have taken the time to read the book instead of taking the easy way out.” He shrugs, and leans away a bit, going silent for a moment to open up his essay and leaving Kyungsoo to try to refocus on his project.

A few moments later, Kyungsoo feels a soft press against his arm, and turns, nearly starting, as Yixing is practically pressed into his side, eyes intent on Kyungsoo’s computer. Kyungsoo should tell him now, right now, and get it over with. Yixing, sitting with his knees together and his hands curled in his lap, smelling faintly of lavender and with a heart shaped gold stud in his earlobe, is not Kyungsoo’s type.

“What are you looking up?” Yixing asks him. He turns to him, pressing his lips together and looking expectant.

Swallowing, Kyungsoo looks back at his computer. “The three different types of plague,” he says. “And their effects and fatality.”

“Wow,” Yixing says as Baekhyun makes a sort of pained wheeze beside him. “I didn’t know there were more than just one bubonic plague.”

When Kyungsoo turns to him and opens his mouth, he doesn’t tell Yixing that he’s not interested. Kyungsoo tells him about the three different types of plague that occurred during the Black Death, and their symptoms and how fast they acted on people back in the 14th century. Instead of explaining how Yixing just isn’t Kyungsoo’s type, he’s explaining how the fleas would ingest blood with the Yersinia pestis and how it would live in them until they regurgitated it into the blood of their newest host.

Beside him, Kyungsoo can hear Baekhyun making small sounds of disgust as commentary.

Next to him, with his eyes a soft brown, Yixing just listens to him, and before Kyungsoo knows it, the period is over, and he’s just been talking for fifteen minutes, and no where in that time did he turn Yixing down.

-

**flamboyant:** flam-boy-ant /,flam’boi(y)ənt/  
 _adjective_  
(of a person or a behavior) tending to attract attention because of their exuberance, confidence, and stylishness  
 _“a flamboyant display of aerobics”_

 

_Stop ignoring me_

“I’m not ignoring you,” Kyungsoo says, keeping his voice down as he glances up from his phone at the sullen faced young man opposite him. “I’m trying to study and we’re in the library.”

Sehun just sticks his tongue out at him. Under the table, Kyungsoo feels his feet catch around his own, tugging them closer to himself. Carefully, Kyungsoo frees his feet, looking back down at his reading assignment and away from Sehun. He shifts, tucking his feet back so they hook under his chair. Across from him, he can hear Sehun shifting in his chair, the soft sounds of him wiggling to try to find Kyungsoo’s feet again. A second later, Sehun lets out a little suppressed yelp and Kyungsoo looks up just in time to see him slip suddenly almost out of his chair, sliding out of it as he tries to stretch to find Kyungsoo’s feet.

He has the most stricken look on his face, eyes wide and mouth curving down in the frown that got him the nickname ‘muppet’ from Baekhyun almost immediately. His hair is stuck up at the back, scrunched against the chair and Kyungsoo can’t stop the surprised laugh that bubbles up in his chest at the sight of him.

As soon as he starts laughing, Sehun’s look of shock melts into a pouting glower, wiggling about in his chair to try to sit back up. It only manages to make him look even more ridiculous, and Kyungsoo has to pick up his book and hide his mouth with it, trying to stifle his laughter. “It’s not funny,” Sehun huffs at him, squirming back into his chair only to slouch despondently at Kyungsoo.

“Actually, it really was,” Kyungsoo tells him, keeping his voice quiet even as it’s tight with laughter.

Sehun sticks out his tongue again, looking incredibly childish. Then he suddenly leans back, and ducks under the table. A second later, he re-emerges, looking cheated as he squints at Kyungsoo. “You cheated.”

“I can only cheat if we’re playing a game,” Kyungsoo half whispers across the table to him. Sehun rolls his eyes as if that’s irrelevant. “Don’t you have history notes to go over?”

“Maybe I’m just putting them off so I can spend time with you?” Sehun suggests, keeping his voice low even as he slouches over the table towards Kyungsoo. Kyungsoo raises an eyebrow at him, fully giving Sehun his attention now. Sehun just continues to look like he’s moping at the table. “It’s not like we have any classes together anyway, and I’m just limited to Jongin and Soojung and Seulgi, who all gang up on me.”

“You?” Kyungsoo prompts. “Why on earth would they gang up on you?”

Sehun lets out a long heavy sigh, reaching over the table, his hands stretching for Kyungsoo. “Why can’t I be a sophomore with you and Zitao?” Kyungsoo keeps his hands out of Sehun’s reach, not allowing him a smile either. “At least you guys are nice to me and don’t bully me.”

“Because you bully me instead,” Kyungsoo reminds him. Sehun gives him a wounded look before pulling back, sitting properly in his chair, scooting it closer. Kyungsoo finds out why a moment later as he feels Sehun’s feet inch their way into his lap.

If it were Baekhyun, Kyungsoo might have reached under the table and grabbed his feet to yank him out of his chair. But Sehun is grinning at him so wide and pleased across from him without the edge that Baekhyun has of teasing him. Like Sehun is just extremely pleased that he’s managed to push into Kyungsoo’s space again.

“I do it because I love you so much,” Sehun tells him, feet wiggling on Kyungsoo’s thighs. He brings his hands up to form them into a heart directed at Kyungsoo for emphasis, and tries to wink. It doesn’t quite work, but Kyungsoo figures at least Sehun tried.

It’s the end of the day, where Kyungsoo is stuck after school waiting for Minseok to get done with soccer practice. Usually on days like this, he’s either dragged out with his friends to do something, or he spends his time quietly in the library reading up on his assignments. Sometimes, like today, he has company.

Earlier this year, in the beginning of term, it was Jongin sitting across from him quietly going through every manga volume the library had. With Jongin had come Sehun, who Kyungsoo had known a little the year before. When Jongin started the anime club with Chanyeol to ‘encourage student involvement in Japanese culture and entertainment’ (Chanyeol’s words, not his), it had just turned into Kyungsoo and Sehun.

Sometimes Jongin will come by, but mostly it’s in these hours that Sehun and Kyungsoo will just sit together and catch up. Sehun is still taking all his freshman courses and doesn’t mix much with the upperclassmen. This ends up having the result of him texting in class, which Kyungsoo frowns at, especially when his phone goes off in the middle of class with thirty messages about how bored Sehun is.

Kyungsoo’s phone vibrates on the table before him, and Kyungsoo looks up at Sehun as he sees the name on it. Sehun is watching him expectantly, his own phone in his hands.

_wat movie do u wanna watch this weekend?_

_I am literally sitting directly across from you. Why don’t you use your words?_

_Shhhh we r in a lib._

“It’s a library, Sehun, not a lib,” Kyungsoo says, throwing a despairing look at Sehun over the table. Sehun’s feet wiggle in Kyungsoo’s lap as he raises a finger pointedly to his lips. Kyungsoo gives him an even more pointed look and mouths _do your homework_ at him. Sehun just makes a heart with his hands again and grins animatedly at him.

Kyungsoo is able to read another few chapters in his book before he feels Sehun wiggle, his feet shifting in his lap. He looks up, ready to tell Sehun off, when he sees Sehun isn’t even looking at him. He’s not smiling, instead frowning slightly and looking at something over Kyungsoo’s shoulder.

A second later, Sehun’s feet pull out of Kyungsoo’s lap, probably messing up his jeans, and Kyungsoo looks up as someone steps up to their table. He blinks, surprised upon seeing Yixing standing before him.

“Hi,” he says, forgetting to keep his voice down.

Yixing doesn’t say anything, just wiggles his fingers in a sort of wave, his eyes dancing and lips stretched in a smile. With a slight nod of his head, he indicates to the empty seat next to Kyungsoo. He then tugs with his other hand on the backpack strap hanging over his shoulder, tilting his head slightly in indication.

Taking in a quick gasp, Kyungsoo realizes what he’s asking, and nods without really thinking. Yixing beams at him, hurrying around behind Kyungsoo to pull out the free chair directly beside him and slipping into it. Before Kyungsoo can fully react, Yixing is leaning in far too close, one hand wrapping around Kyungsoo’s wrist as his lips brush the shell of Kyungsoo’s ear.

Kyungsoo goes stiff.

“Thanks! I just needed to get some work done before I had dance practice later and hoped we could sit together,” Yixing says, his voice soft as it’s hushed, breath warm as it pools over Kyungsoo’s skin. It makes him shiver, still stiff as Yixing is far too close to him and _touching_ him without preamble. “I hope you don’t mind.”

As Yixing pulls back to look at him, his bright eyes expectant, Kyungsoo has to swallow down the urge to lean away from him. Shaking his head slightly, he tries to smile kindly at Yixing.

Today, Yixing is wearing a soft and light looking sweater, cut low to show off the top of his chest, and has the sleeves pushed up to his elbows. He has multiple bracelets on his wrists, and his hair is falling soft about his face again. He just looks really… pretty. Even with the strong defined jaw, the fullness of his lower lip that he keeps biting as if he’s nervous offsets it. 

Turning away, he lets Yixing pull out his school things, laying them out on the table carefully beside him. Their hands brush a few times, and Kyungsoo has to keep from recoiling from it. Under him, he lets his feet unhook from the chair, stretching out again under the table. He lets out a sharp gasp when something kicks him hard.

Looking up and ready to snap in anger, he sees Sehun staring at him pointedly from across the table, almost indignant. His phone is in his hands, and Kyungsoo only then realizes his own buzzing.

_Why is he sitting with us?_

Kyungsoo looks back up at Sehun, frowning now himself. _He just wants to sit and do some work. We’re supposed to be studying. I AM studying._

Sehun is frowning now, bottom lip tugged between his teeth as he writes back a response feverishly on his phone. _But I thought he was the one that liked you. Why are you letting him sit with you like this if you don’t like him back?_

That causes a twist in Kyungsoo’s stomach, and he stares at his phone for a long moment trying to think of how to answer Sehun. There is the main problem, with how he’s not sure himself, and the other problem, where he’s still not sure if he’d rather just excuse himself and just go home. He doesn’t really have to wait for Minseok to finish practice and come pick him up.

_I’m just trying to be nice. Friendly_ he finally types back. When he looks up at Sehun though, Sehun doesn't look satisfied with his answer, instead pursing his lips. Then, in the first time Kyungsoo has known him, he puts down his phone and picks up his school work.

He ignores Kyungsoo.

A light touch to his wrist makes Kyungsoo turn, looking at Yixing beside him. He doesn’t pull away, still slightly shocked by Sehun’s behavior. Yixing leans in close again, whispering to his ear with his soft breath and voice. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to intrude on you and your friend.”

This time, Kyungsoo pulls back to whisper to him. “It’s okay. I see Sehun a lot. The library is a free area.”

Yixing smiles at that, relaxing some. Holding up a finger, he makes a little gesture and then is flipping open a notebook to a clean page. He holds up a pen, lips drawn up in a smile, and then writes down on the paper: ‘we can talk like this~’

Kyungsoo stares at the paper, then at Yixing, then back down at the paper. He picks up his pen and writes: ‘O.K.’

Yixing writes in a clean script, his letters clearly written and definite, unlike Baekhyun’s scrawl and the lopping letters that Chanyeol has perfected over the years. Yixing writes almost as if his style is mechanic, and Kyungsoo finds himself surprised at how despite how he’d expected Yixing’s writing to be looping and pretty, it’s clean, simple, and well spaced. Yixing doesn’t write with any flourish as he scrawls questions and asks Kyungsoo about how his research project on the plague is going, why he’s in the library, if he had a good day, what his hobbies are, what activities he does in school, and if he likes animals.

Kyungsoo is almost embarrassed to write back in his own hand, looking cramped and sloping as it follows Yixing’s, answering and asking a few questions of his own.

Glancing at him, Yixing is smiling, his eyes crinkling up pleasantly as he writes about dance, about how he loves to cook and do music.

“You do music?” Kyungsoo asks him, voice barely above a whisper. He winces as he feels a foot connect with his shin and blindly kicks out in response. His foot connects with something solid and he hears a loud stifled yelp from the opposite side of the table.

Yixing glances at Sehun briefly in befuddlement before he leans into Kyungsoo. “I do a lot of music outside of school. Mostly just my own thing, like guitar and composing and piano and a bit of singing.” Kyungsoo doesn’t immediately have the urge to pull away when Yixing’s shoulder presses against his.

“Do you want to hear some?”

On Yixing’s iPod is an entire playlist section of just his own music, at least fifty songs, all labeled with potential titles and recording dates, organized by added date. Sitting at the table with Yixing watching him, Kyungsoo listens to the music Yixing wrote about composing, the sounds filling his ears new and different and… pleasant.

“This is really good,” Kyungsoo says, looking at Yixing in surprise. He lets out a loud gasp as another kick is delivered to his shin and turns to glare at Sehun.

Sehun is looking up at him with his finger pressed to his lips, indicating silence. Kyungsoo realizes he’d spoken at a regular volume, forgetting where he was entirely.

When it finally hits four in the afternoon and Minseok strides in through the library doors, Kyungsoo nods to both Yixing and Sehun. Grabbing his things, he gives a little wave, a small smile towards the table he’d been sitting at.

Yixing waves back, a bright smile on his face. Sehun looks oddly disappointed, but smiles anyway when he catches Kyungsoo’s eyes and waves too, though slightly less enthusiastically.

“It looked like you were having fun,” Minseok comments once they leave. He’s still in his soccer gear, his sports bag hanging low and bumping against his thighs as they walk out of the school. He’s got mud on his knees and jersey and is still wearing his athletic headband, keeping his hair off his face.

“Just some friends,” Kyungsoo answers. Minseok’s eyebrows raise, but he doesn’t comment on the matter, simply leading as they walk back home.

It isn’t until Kyungsoo is pulling his books from his bag and the sounds of the shower echo from down the hall that Kyungsoo realizes he got absolutely no studying done.

He frowns.

-

The thing with extracurricular activities is that Kyungsoo just doesn’t do them. After school is meant for studying and napping or getting snacks. On some days, maybe he’ll go out with friends and do something, but mostly he wants his own free time after school.

The only exception to this avoidance of extracurricular activity is for music. It had been a bit shocking when he’d advocated for himself in his last year of middle school to join the high school Chamber Singers, consulting with the choir director and trying to make a case for himself to sing with them. Mr. Kim, or Ryeowook as he insists all his students call him, had finally allowed him to audition once Kyungsoo had argued his point.

It had been a major accomplishment, right until Jongdae had followed his model and auditioned as well, earning him a slot in the tenor section.

Kyungsoo, personally, loves being in the musical groups in school. He loves it so much, he’s in all of them. This provides for a block of two full periods of singing; one full period of Chamber Singers first period every white day, and the back to back choir and chorale on red days, separated by lunch. He likes it though, which is why he can show up at 7:35 in the choir room and not look like he’s just been dragged from jail to stand trial.

Jongdae doesn’t share his sentiments however, showing up to chamber singers looking like he’s barely alive. He lets out a soft whimper, crowding close to wrap a bit about Kyungsoo, leaning on him as he burrows his face on Kyungsoo’s shoulder. A cup of what is definitely coffee bumps against Kyungsoo’s stomach as Jongdae melds to him.

“You shouldn’t drink coffee,” Kyungsoo reminds him. “The caffeine dries out your vocal chords and makes them tighter when you sing.”

“Well, it’s either coffee or I try to see how good I am at singing while I’m asleep,” Jongdae grumbles into Kyungsoo’s sweatshirt, wiggling closer. “I’ll stick with the coffee.”

“You better not let Ryeowook see you sucking on that,” Irene says, walking into the choir room and glancing at the coffee bumping against Kyungsoo’s tummy. “You know how he feels about you and vocal preservation.”

“It’s not mine, it’s Jongdae’s,” Kyungsoo says, pointing at the useless lump attached to him. Jongdae whines loudly as if to confirm this. “Ryeowook can chew him out.”

“I don’t think Ryeowook can chew anyone out,” Kyuhyun comments with a yawn as he walks in. “Well, I mean, maybe he could, but he’s too nice for it.”

“You only say that because you’re his favorite,” Irene says, sweeping past to go pick up her music folder and sit in the soprano section. “I’m very sure Mr. Choi has his reasons for muttering about how Ryeowook is a closet crazy under his breath.”

“Good morning, my doves!” distracts from the conversation as Ryeowook walks from his office. He looks impeccable as always, smiling at them and looking far more awake than anyone could hope to be this early.

As Ryeowook works with the sopranos and altos during rehearsal, Kyungsoo spends his time in the bass section writing notes into his music. Frowning, he marks the musical notation for _piano_ and _forte_ and the crescendos within the piece he’s heard some of the other bases miss on. He only looks up when he feels a weight settle against his side, and a chin press against his shoulder.

“I’m not your support beam,” Kyungsoo mutters quietly, though he doesn’t shove Jongdae off of him. They often sit next to each other, both of them in the second row of the boys section and each other’s security. Kyungsoo doesn’t tell Jongdae, but he’s almost glad of him being in Chamber Singers as well. It made it less intimidating last year when they were surrounded by upperclassmen. 

“But I’m tired, and you’re comfortable,” Jongdae murmurs against his shoulder. Kyungsoo chews his lip, not looking up from his music. He feels Jongdae snake his arms around his middle, and leans back into it.

Kyungsoo, even if he won’t admit it, is also tired. More than usual. He’s been kept up later and later from school work and long rambling conversations on his phone. Sehun has been texting him a lot more, and now that Kyungsoo is being ‘nice’ to Yixing, the dance captain has taken to messaging him at random hours with cute little emoticons and cheerful greetings.

Kyungsoo is never really sure how to reply, but whatever he says apparently is fine, because Yixing is still texting him.

“Why are you so tired?” Kyungsoo mumbles, glancing at Jongdae beside him. His friend has his eyes closed, and there are dark circles under his eyes.

“Baekhyun,” Jongdae answers, as if that is the only explanation needed.

Usually, Kyungsoo wouldn’t press further, just letting the conversation drop and allow Jongdae to snooze on him. Today, he ends up pausing, glancing at Jongdae and away from his music. “What did he do?”

Jongdae opens his eyes, glancing at him. He pauses, as if trying to figure out how to explain what exactly Baekhyun did that kept Jongdae up and away from sleep. “He’s struggling with some stuff.”

“School?” Kyungsoo frowns. He had just talked to Baekhyun the day before, and nothing about him indicated that there was something wrong.

Jongdae simply hums, his lips pressing out in a small frowning pout. “Yeah, kind of.”

“Well, it’s his own fault for not taking his classes seriously,” Kyungsoo remarks, a small frown on his own face. Baekhyun is a year ahead of them, preparing for the college search process, and yet still blows off his coursework to play video games all night instead of study.

“Not all of us have the same academic dedication you and Chanyeol do,” Jongdae mutters, his arms tightening around Kyungsoo’s middle. “Or just Chanyeol’s enthusiasm for everything.”

“Still not my fault,” Kyungsoo replies, looking back at his music. 

Ryeowook is bearing down on the sopranos, his own voice hiking up into his falsetto in harkening back to his once career as a countertenor, when Kyungsoo’s phone vibrates in his pocket. Jongdae shifts, his own thigh pressing to Kyungsoo’s and thus noticing the disturbance.

“Who is texting you?” Jongdae wonders aloud.

“It doesn’t matter,” Kyungsoo says, despite his own curiosity to check his phone. “They should be in class.”

“What if it’s Insung though?” Jongdae persists. “Maybe he’s coming home today, and asking if you can make him a welcome feast. Or Minseok? Or-“

“Shut up,” Kyungsoo cuts him off, digging his phone from his pocket.

There are about thirteen unchecked messages on his phone. Some of them are from Sehun from last night, two new ones from Yixing, and, sure enough, a new message from Insung.

_Hey kiddo. Filming got pushed back, so no weekend for us after all. I promise next weekend I’ll be home._

“Isn’t this the second weekend in a row?” Jongdae asks. He’s looking at Kyungsoo’s phone, clearly having read the message.

“Third,” Kyungsoo answers, and goes back to the main message menu. “He’s just busy. It’s not like he can control his schedule.”

“Yeah, but,” Jongdae stops himself, ending in a soft sigh. “Since when did you get Yixing’s number?” He nudges Kyungsoo lightly. “I thought you weren’t going to waste your time with someone who wasn’t ‘manly’ enough for your standards of human brick.”

“It’s just a few messages,” Kyungsoo says, frowning at his friend. “I talk to you and Sehun more than I do him.”

“Well, that’s because Sehun texts like he talks,” Jongdae comments, nudging Kyungsoo in the side again. “All the time.” Kyungsoo frowns, and turns off his phone. “So does this mean you’re free this weekend?”

“I guess,” Kyungsoo says quietly.

It’s not like it’s new. Kyungsoo tells himself every time Insung messages that he’s coming home for the weekend not to get excited. His oldest cousin has a track record of making promises he has to back out on at the last minute, his work schedule often too demanding and changeable for it to really be trusted. Kyungsoo never can really stop the jump of excitement in his stomach though, thinking that maybe they’ll actually have a weekend together again.

Like it used to be.

Back when Kyungsoo was moved in, after the accident and when the apartment had been dubbed ‘the clubhouse’. It had been easier then, building forts and caves out of the couch cushions with Minseok and Insung. Ordering pizza and laughing to fill the silence that used to be filled with the oldies records his dad would play.

Before…

“You should tell Yixing then,” Jongdae interrupts Kyungsoo’s thoughts before they go too far. Kyungsoo turns to him sharply. “You know, since he clearly wants to hang out with you, judging from those texts and how he gets super touchy touchy ok around you.”

“I have to study this weekend,” Kyungsoo says flatly, pocketing his phone even as it vibrates again. “And Minseok has a game.”

“So ask him if he wants to go watch your cousin decimate another team,” Jongdae says. “It’ll be a distraction, and maybe you can exhibit the kind of man you like. Buff, aggressive, good at sports and with the ability to make his enemies eat dirt.”

“I like manly men, not over competitive sports jocks,” Kyungsoo says, not at all amused by Jongdae. “Or assholes.”

“Oh, I thought that was what you were going for,” Jongdae sniffs. “You know, since the last time we talked you basically described The Rock with the people skills of a lamp post.”

“I did not,” Kyungsoo protests, feeling irritation spike in his gut. From the soprano section, Irene turns her head sharply, fixing him with a hard narrowed look. Kyungsoo snaps his mouth shut, shrinking back into his chair, checking to see if Ryeowook noticed.

Ryeowook is currently gesturing wildly at the sopranos, specifically modeling breath support and ‘opening of the throat and chest.’

“You know, you might just enjoy yourself if you hang out with him,” Jongdae says quietly. “Even if you don't find yourself attracted to him, or he isn’t exactly what you want, you might just be friends with him. He’s not a bad guy.”

“I never said he was a bad guy,” Kyungsoo sighs. He thinks back to how Yixing had sent him his newest song, a work in progress that he hinted he’d like Kyungsoo’s help with. He’d also invited him to come watch one of the dance club practices. “I just said I wasn’t interested. He’s just-“

“Blatantly gay,” Jongdae finishes for him. “Opposed to you, who still has half the student population confused if you even date.”

“I was in a relationship all last year,” Kyungsoo points out.

“Yeah, with a guy who was about as expressive about his relationship status as he was articulate about Shakespeare.” Jongdae squeezes him again around the middle, and Kyungsoo shrinks back against the hold. “Look, what if you just take it super slow, like test being friends first?”

“That’s what I’m _doing_ ,” Kyungsoo finally snaps, making sure to keep his voice low, but not hesitating to shove Jongdae in the stomach. As soon as he says it though, he goes still, realizing what he’s just said.

It sounds all ‘tsundere’, or whatever it was Chanyeol had said that meant he was an anime character.

“Gentlemen!” stops Jongdae before he can make a shocked reply. Both Jongdae and Kyungsoo jerk to look to the front of the room, where Ryeowook is staring at both of them, his hands on his hips and a wide smile on his face. “I hope we’re discussing the intricacies of Moses Hogan and not _gossiping_ during rehearsal.”

“Of course, sir,” Jongdae says, grinning wide so his eyes crinkle up and his face turns into a mass of creases. “Wouldn’t dream of doing anything else.” Kyungsoo smiles as well, trying to look as innocent as possible as Ryeowook’s eyes flicker to him and narrow slightly.

“We’re just reviewing the possible meaning behind the piece,” Kyungsoo answers.

“All of the different aspects to which ‘Hold On’ might be referring to,” Jongdae adds, nodding so his chin bumps against Kyungsoo’s shoulder.

“So we can communicate the proper emotion behind the lyrics,” Kyungsoo adds hastily, and grins as best he can when Ryeowook delicately arches an eyebrow.

Halfway through the rehearsal, Jongdae reaches to grab Kyungsoo’s pencil and scratch out the ‘o’ on their music and replace it with an ‘a’. Kyungsoo nearly chokes as he trying to hold the bases together as he reads ‘Hard On’ on his music and watches Jongdae underline it pointedly.

Ryeowook ends up stopping rehearsal to demand why Jongdae has burst out laughing during the middle of a particularly dramatic point in a spiritual as Jongdae wheezes into his music folder. Kyungsoo tells himself he deserved it as Ryeowook looks away from them to scold the altos for mocking his hand gesturing.

-

**Manly**  
adj.  
A true man, who eats nothing but bacon, he must be buff, and eat bacon, he must think like a true man, by eating bacon, and above all he must act like a man, so eat more bacon!

 

In first grade, Kyungsoo would go to school with a little lunch box clutched in his little hands. He’d put it in his cubby and sit and squirm around noon every day, waiting to see what his mom had packed for him that day, what treat she’d tucked in with his sandwich and thermos of juice or hot chocolate. Every lunch, he’d smile and hum with happiness every time he got to eat what his mom had made him, lost in how his sandwiches tasted better than everyone elses.

Because they were made with love, and just for him, and he ate everything so his lunch box was clean and empty when he got home. It always made his mom smile.

In second grade, Kyungsoo would stand in line in the cafeteria, quiet and his fingers curled around the money in his pocket, waiting for the lunch ladies to fill his tray. He’d sit quietly at the lunch table, poking around at the food on his tray and picking at it, only finishing his milk. He’d not smile, and only listen to his friends, watching as they opened their lunch boxes around him and bragged about what their moms packed for them today.

Kyungsoo would go back to the apartment after school, his fingers wrapped around Minseok’s bigger hand and holding on tight. Minseok would ask him how his day was, and ruffle Kyungsoo’s hair affectionately with a sad sort of smile at Kyungsoo’s short answers. They’d go home and figure out dinner with Insung, teenage efforts to make a dinner that his aunt and uncle were too busy traveling the world as diplomats to do. Instead of a home cooked meal by his aunt or uncle, Kyungsoo would quietly teach himself through burned pan bottoms how to make kimchi spaghetti and scrambled eggs.

There was no one to tuck him in at night or put a glass of water by his bed, only the bills paid and a few visits a month as his aunt and uncle would stop by before traveling across the world again.

In middle school, Kyungsoo stopped buying school lunches, teaching himself how to make his own sandwiches and learning how to cook spaghetti for the dinners that he and Minseok traded off on. Kyungsoo would bring tuna fish sandwiches that fell apart in his hands and ignore the chocolate bars and greasy pizza that Baekhyun and Jongdae ate with enthusiasm.

Kyungsoo made his own lunches, carefully improving and hoping that one day, they’d taste just like they had in first grade; made with love. He got better, enough so that Minseok would ask him to make his lunch, and he smirked as he watched his friends look at his food with envy.

Now, in high school, Kyungsoo spends his lunch breaks smacking the hands of Jongdae and Chanyeol, and ignoring the begging pout on Jongin’s face. He sits and stares down Baekhyun’s lecherous grin across from him as he slowly eats his self-made lunch. Usually, lunch is a period where he can sit and eat in peace and enjoy himself, relax and watch as Baekhyun tries to prove that he can shove an entire slice of pizza into his mouth with ease.

Today, Kyungsoo feels strangely self-conscious as he looks up beside their typical lunch booth. Lunch is typically a huge squish, where all ten of his friends try to smash themselves into a booth meant for six people. There is often very little room for anyone else.

“Um,” Kyungsoo says, incredibly aware of the hush that has fallen over the table behind him. “Hi.”

“Hi,” Yixing says, smiling happily and holding a tray of cafeteria food in his hands. “Do you mind if I sit with you today?” Kyungsoo glances back around the table, expecting someone else to answer the question. They’re crammed in as usual, Jongin sitting on both Chanyeol and Sehun’s lap, staring at Yixing like he’s just beamed down from space. Baekhyun is sitting mostly on Jongdae (who looks incredibly unwilling) and the girls are all trading looks with each other.

No one answers Yixing, instead most, if not all of them, turning to stare pointedly at Kyungsoo. Baekhyun, ever helpful, gives him an exaggerated wink.

Looking back up at Yixing, he’s still smiling, like the smashed group of people together into the booth is definitely able to accommodate him and his dimpled smile. “Um,” says Kyungsoo, and inadvertently makes himself smaller on reflex.

“Well, I think there could be room,” Baekhyun cuts in, looking up at Yixing with a big smile. “It all depends on if you’re comfortable sitting on Kyungsoo, though.”

For some reason that Kyungsoo cannot fathom, Yixing looks amused by this, letting out a light little laugh. “Well, I think that’s up to Kyungsoo, though,” he says, his eyes dancing as they linger on Baekhyun before returning to Kyungsoo. “I don’t want to just sit on you without your permission.”

“He’s just in shock,” Baekhyun answers before Kyungsoo can say something. “He takes a long time to process what’s going on around him. I’m sure he’ll catch up when he has your ass in his lap.” Kyungsoo makes the decision to one day lock Baekhyun in tank and fill it with moths as punishment for all the suffering he’s put Kyungsoo through. “Come, sit, join us and be merry!”

“You could probably pull up a chair though,” Chanyeol cuts in as Jongdae, smiling pleasantly, shoves his hand over Baekhyun’s mouth elegantly. “We’re kind of cramped.”

“Chairs are good,” Kyungsoo says weakly, still struggling as he resists the urge to reach across the table and strangle Baekhyun. “They’re better to sit on than me.”

“Great!” Yixing looks positively delighted. He ends up pushing his lunch tray to wedge between Baekhyun’s pizza plate and Kyungsoo’s lunch cooler. “Did you make your lunch?” he asks, leaning over and peeking into the box.

“I make it every day,” Kyungsoo answers, still a little shocked at Yixing’s sudden appearance and incorporation to their table. _No one_ just randomly joins their table, not even if they’re brought. Not only is it near impossible considering the size of their lunch group, but they’re a relatively closely knit group.

“Really?” Yixing asks, looking interested.

“It’s actually really good,” Jongin pipes up, and Yixing glances to him.

“Kyungsoo is our resident chef,” Jongdae elaborates. “He’s been packing his lunch and not letting us have any for years.”

“That’s really cool,” Yixing says. Kyungsoo blinks. He’s never been told it was ‘cool’ that he packed his own lunch. “Do you do it because it’s healthier or cheaper? I know that the school lunches aren’t bad, but I know they can be wanting some days.” He laughs a little. “I just forgot to pack my own today.”

“You pack your own lunch?” Kyungsoo asks, and Yixing nods, humming. Then it clicks. “Oh right, you cook.”

“Yeah,” Yixing says. He’s got a salad on his plate today. There are little bacon bits on it and he’d got a steaming bowl of chili beside it and a bottle of cola. “But I woke up too late today to pack one. You know how it can be. What are you eating?”

That morning, Kyungsoo had packed club sandwiches for himself and Minseok, along with sliced carrots and a few mini hot dogs cut to look like baby octopuses with accompanying ketchup and mustard. He’d been late on time, so he hadn’t been able to give them little eyes, or pack more than just an extra bunch of grapes and a bottle of water. He shows them tentatively to Yixing, watching as Yixing begins to coo at the little hot dogs.

“You really put a lot of time into this,” Yixing comments, sitting back. He doesn’t try to steal from Kyungsoo’s lunch. Thankfully, the rest of the table seems to have lost interest, letting Yixing talk with Kyungsoo and make him uncomfortable in peace. Only Baekhyun keeps glancing over from his argument with Chanyeol about made up words from Anime Club.

“Food tastes better when you care about it,” Kyungsoo says simply, popping a grape into his mouth. “It always does, it’s why the food at the cafeteria is always bland.” Yixing nods. He’s just in a simple tank today, a gray sweatshirt and a long necklace hanging over his chest. There are very few colors on him today.

“That makes sense,” Yixing says, continuing to nod. “It’s like how I feel about dance. You can always tell if someone is into their performance, or just doing it automatically. Or music. You can just feel or hear or see how invested they are in it, and it makes or breaks the execution.”

Kyungsoo blinks, never really having thought of it like that. “Yeah,” he says. “Just like that.” He smiles when Yixing beams at him, and relaxes a little, watching as Yixing takes a small bite of his chili. 

For a moment, Kyungsoo watches him eat. Unlike Baekhyun, who kind of eats how a train wreck looks, Yixing is almost dainty. He takes small bites, careful of himself so as not to spill any or possibly appear like a heathen. It reminds Kyungsoo of the girls at the other end of the table, taking smaller bites around their food. It’s not at all like Chanyeol or Sehun, who spend half of most lunch times trying to imitate the way various animals chew.

“So, how is the plague project coming?” Yixing asks, him. pausing from delicately eating his food. “Did you find out the thing with the beak men?”

“The what?” Baekhyun asks, cueing into the conversation.

“They were doctors,” Kyungsoo answers, looking across to Baekhyun and his lopsided expression. “They didn't understand how the plague worked, and they thought that illness was caused by evil spirits.”

“Like you,” Baekhyun says with a wide grin.

“Kyungsoo’s not a demon, you are,” Sehun pipes up from down the table. “At least he doesn’t torment people for joy.”

“I consider it my civic duty to remind people what happiness is by making them suffer,” Baekhyun shrugs, flicking a grease slick pepperoni at Sehun down the table. “Can we not talk about diseases at the table?”

“What would you rather talk about?” Kyungsoo asks him. He’s not sure if he’s annoyed at Baekhyun for interrupting him, or thankful for directing the conversation away from him.

“Me,” Baekhyun says, suddenly grinning wide. He leans closer, wiggling around on Jongdae’s waist earning a wheeze. “You can always talk about me, I love when people talk about me.”

“That’s a worse topic than the plague,” Kyungsoo says, leaning back in the booth.

“Hey, play nice,” Baekhyun pouts at him. “You make me seem like I’m a terrible person in front of our lovely guest.” He smiles brightly at Yixing, who smiles warmly back. “Don’t listen to him, I’m charming.”

“You’re a menace,” Kyungsoo tells him. Beside him, Yixing is laughing lightly, his eyes crinkled up in amusement.

“I love you, too, Kyungsoo,” Baekhyun simples, reaching over the table to steal one of Kyungsoo’s grapes before Kyungsoo can stop him. “Anyway, what about sports?”

“I don’t play sports,” Kyungsoo states flatly.

“Yeah, but doesn't Yixing dance?” Baekhyun adds, looking over at Yixing expectantly. “Like the dashing handsome dance team captain of everyone’s dreams, right?”

“That’s pushing it,” Yixing says, smiling good naturedly at Baekhyun. “Not everyone’s. Not everyone is into that sort of thing. It’s a lot of work to do a sport.”

“You sound like my cousin,” Kyungsoo comments, watching as Yixing gets a sort of concentrated look on his face. At the inquisitive look on Yixing’s face, Kyungsoo explains, “he’s the captain of the soccer team.”

“I didn’t know Minseok was your cousin,” Yixing says, surprised. Then he smiles. “Though now that you mention it, I can definitely see the resemblance.”

“Resemblance?”

“You’re both really cute,” Yixing explains, and Kyungsoo stiffens, staring at him. “Small and cute and really nice.”

“Kyungsoo, described as cute and nice all in one sentence,” Jongdae remarks, taking advantage of Kyungsoo’s momentary shock to steal one of his hot dog octopuses and popping it into his mouth.

“I think you broke him,” Jongin says, staring at Kyungsoo in seeming wonder.

Yixing blinks, looking startled. “What?” he asks, looking around the table that suddenly has all their focus on him and Kyungsoo. “What’s wrong?”

“I’m not cute,” Kyungsoo says flatly, staring at Yixing and feeling his insides stiffen.

“Why not?” Yixing asks, frowning at him.

“I’m handsome,” Kyungsoo says, putting a little more edge to his voice. Kyungsoo has been called ‘cute’ and ‘small’ his whole life, despite how he frowns at it and doesn’t appreciate it. “Just because-“

“I never said you weren’t,” Yixing says, and he sounds completely shocked. His eyes a wide, his mouth parted and it makes his plump lower lip stick out, brows raised high on his forehead. “I didn’t mean it as a negative thing, I was just trying to compliment you. I don’t think cute is a bad thing, or the only thing that defines you. That’s like saying that because I like cooking that I’m effeminate.”

“You are effeminate,” Kyungsoo says before he can stop himself. The whole table is quiet, and Kyungsoo suddenly realizes how blunt he’s just been, and possibly insulting. Yixing is staring at him, his eyes looking even wider.

Then, to Kyungsoo’s complete surprise, he smiles, his face dropping from shock into a pleased smile. “I consider that a good thing,” he says, and the air leaves Kyungsoo’s chest like Yixing has just punched him. “There’s nothing wrong with doing things that people categorize as specific to women, and it’s honestly rude. Like saying just because you pack your own lunches you’re a picky eater or incredibly domestic. I think you’re cute, and also handsome. It doesn’t make you any less of a man to me.”

Beside him, Kyungsoo feels someone shift, and suddenly a slow clap begins right next to his head. Turning swiftly he looks into Seulgi’s grinning face as she nods, her eyes on Yixing. “Well said,” she compliments, nudging Kyungsoo. “I think the world needs more men like you. Are you sure you’re gay?”

Yixing laughs, and sits back in his chair, _blushing_. “I just said what I believe,” Yixing says. Then he’s turning to Kyungsoo, still smiling nicely, though there’s a different look about him, one that reminds Kyungsoo strongly of Minseok when he’s talking to his teammates and Kyungsoo is watching him from the stands. “I don’t know who told you that being called cute was an insult, but I want you to know that I don’t mean it like that. I mean it as the greatest compliment I can give.”

Kyungsoo doesn’t even move when he feels Yixing’s hand rest over his leg, gripping in a light squeeze just above his knee. He just keeps staring at him, at Yixing’s smile that almost looks determined, like Yixing means everything he’s saying, his eyes flashing in sincerity.

“Oh my god, he actually broke Kyungsoo,” Jongin whispers dramatically from down the table. It helps to snap Kyungsoo from the reverie he’s in, staring at Yixing in shock and relative confusion.

It feels strange, but not uncomfortably strange or weird or, well, rude anymore. To the best of his ability, Kyungsoo nods and tries to smile himself. “Okay then,” he says, and wets his drying lips. He’s still not sure he would agree with Yixing, about him being cute, but he’ll at least believe him that he wasn’t saying it to be rude. It’s kind of… sweet, in a determined not to be threatening but emphasizing sort of way. “Thank you, I guess, for the compliment.”

“He totally broke him,” Jongin is still stage whispering, and with a loud scoff Sehun finally tells him, “shut up.”

“Seriously though,” Seulgi interrupts, leaning against Kyungsoo’s side and gazing at Yixing. “You’re sure you’re into men, because…”

Yixing just laughs, his hand resting still on Kyungsoo’s knee. It’s like having a grandfather pat him, or a possessive indication of… something. “Sorry, I’m going to have to disappoint you,” he says, though he smiles. “But I hope you can find someone who respects and treats you well regardless of whether you’re the perfect woman that society seems to have this warped perception.”

Kyungsoo flinches as he feels something kick him hard under the table, and turns to glare at Baekhyun. Baekhyun is staring at his pizza, looking entirely innocent until Kyungsoo kicks him back and he promptly yelps and dumps his pizza into his lap.

“I like you,” Seulgi declares, and drapes herself over Kyungsoo. “I like you the best. You can sit with us every day from now on.”

Yixing just smiles, and Kyungsoo isn’t really sure what to think or do about the hand that doesn’t leave his knee.

-

It isn’t until after school, when Kyungsoo is seated on the hard plastic seats of the little shop that he notices. It’s not like he hasn’t been paying attention, or listening, it’s just that he hadn’t been doing it closely. But now, sitting at the plastic table in a plastic chair with a plastic buzzer in his hands, he notices.

Sehun is quiet.

On someone else, like Jongin or his cousin, this wouldn’t be abnormal at all. On himself, it’s his preferred state of being. On Sehun, silence is a lot like the buboes on the plague victims in the 14th century. It’s obvious, standing out on his lymph nodes and turning black in disease as the dried blood turns black under his skin from the-

Well, maybe silence isn’t exactly like one of the most disastrous diseases in human history, but it gets Kyungsoo’s attention.

“Are you okay?”

Sehun, who had been sitting across from him and chewing his lip until it turned dark red, jerks to look at him. “What?”

“You’re quiet,” Kyungsoo explains. Sehun’s brows inch closer together as he gives a small frown in confusion. “I just-“ Sehun is so rarely quiet, and Kyungsoo is more worried about it than he thought he might be. “Is everything okay? You’ve barely said anything all afternoon.”

“Maybe I’m just thinking,” Sehun says, adjusting in his chair and settling his hands on the tabletop, fingers curling together almost elegantly. “You know, silently for once, instead of aloud. You don’t _need_ to hear all my thoughts, Kyungsoo. Though I appreciate your interest. My thoughts are private property.”

_That’s_ more like Sehun, letting his words get away from him. Rambling on a topic as his mind goes too fast and his brain to mouth filter suffers just because Sehun has his guard down. Kyungsoo almost relaxes, but then Sehun is quiet again, tongue poking between his lips as he stares at his hands.

“Well, I don’t want to know all your thoughts,” Kyungsoo clarifies, still watching his friend. “I just am used to hearing you talk.”

“Maybe I don’t want to talk today.”

“You always want to talk,” Kyungsoo points out. “When you can’t talk you fidget and squirm until you text someone just so you can get the words out.”

“I’m trying something new,” Sehun tells him, a little haughty. “It’s a new tactic, so you miss my voice and learn to appreciate me.”

“I do appreciate you,” Kyungsoo tells him, feeling slightly taken aback. “Since when have I not appreciated you?” This isn’t like Sehun at all, usually far more teasing and at ease, happy to just sit and talk or play around. But all afternoon, Sehun hasn’t tried to annoy Kyungsoo once by poking him or emphasizing how tall he is by wrapping his arm around Kyungsoo’s shoulder. Or used him as an armrest.

“You-“ Sehun sighs, and then runs his hands over his face. “Never mind, I just- Today was weird.” He slumps a bit in his chair, and Kyungsoo feels that pang of concern go deeper. He almost reaches out to Sehun to take one of his hands, but keeps his own in his lap. If Sehun wants to tell him, he will, and Kyungsoo isn’t going to force him to talk about something if he’s not comfortable with it.

“Weird?” he asks instead, studying Sehun.

“Yeah,” Sehun says, almost too quietly. It’s hard to hear over the soft constant stream of talk in the shop they’re in, customers sitting around holding their bubble teas. The noise of the machines also cuts over them, and Sehun’s suddenly soft voice gets swallowed up in it.

He looks really tired somehow, and Kyungsoo wonders how he missed it before. “Like,” he wets his lips, trying to think of some way to ask Sehun what’s wrong without asking him directly what’s bothering him. Kyungsoo has never been that good at this sort of thing. “You were abducted by aliens or Mr. Lee started reciting grammar again?”

That manages to get a small smile on Sehun’s face. “No,” Sehun says, and slumps down a bit more naturally in his chair. “No, just the regular teen angst I guess.”

“You say that like you’re not a teenager,” Kyungsoo points out, tapping their buzzer on the table.

“No, I say that like I’m aware,” Sehun clarifies with a huff. “It’s called being self aware and observant. I’m a teenager, and therefore often times irrational and still growing.”

“Hopefully not too much,” Kyungsoo says. Sehun is already tall, taller than him and about as tall as Jongin. He’s also skinny as anything and somehow manages to cope with how his body seems to stretch too fast by adopting the mannerisms of a noodle. The most amazing thing is it somehow suits him.

“Just for that, I’m going to be even taller,” Sehun tells him, and sticks out his tongue when Kyungsoo raises his eyebrow. “Handsome and tall and you’ll have to notice me.”

“I do notice you,” Kyungsoo replies, shifting to cross his legs. “You make it hard not to notice you when you’re talking all the time and poking me.” He doesn’t mean it, and as soon as he says it, Kyungsoo realizes it was the wrong thing. Sehun’s face falls, and his smile falters, eyes dropping back down to the table. “I’m sorry,” Kyungsoo says quickly, feeling a tightness in his chest as Sehun bites his lip gently.

The buzzer in his hand goes off, the red lights flashing brightly and vibrating loudly. Their drinks are ready for pick up, and Kyungsoo hears his name called across the shop, but he almost wants to stay, to try to apologize even if he’s not sure what’s going on.

“Go on,” Sehun decides for him. “I want my bubble tea.”

When he returns to the table with bubble teas in hand, Sehun looks as if nothing happened. He’s sitting with his legs crossed at the knee, foot bouncing slightly and with his chin propped on his hand, gazing into space. “The service here is terrible,” Sehun says as he takes his bubble tea from Kyungsoo.

“They’re really busy today,” Kyungsoo tells him, glancing around the crowded shop.

“No, I mean you,” Sehun says blithely and then splits into a loud shriek of a laugh as Kyungsoo instinctively reaches out to slap him. “Kidding, kidding, I’m kidding!” Kyungsoo has barely sat back, taking a sip of his bubble tea, before Sehun is opening his mouth again to speak. “Congratulations, by the way.”

Confused, Kyungsoo puts down his drink before he accidentally chokes on a tapioca ball. “What?” Sehun is looking at him indifferently. “Congratulations for what?”

“On Yixing,” Sehun says simply, and then takes a sip of his bubble tea. Kyungsoo is confused, not at all sure what Sehun is talking about. “I’m happy for you, and him, and all that stuff he seems to really like you and-“

“Sehun what are you talking about?” Kyungsoo feels that same tightness in his chest as Sehun begins to ramble and his cheeks turn just a little pink. “What about me and Yixing?”

“Well, you know the whole thing you two have.” 

“What thing?” Kyungsoo is frowning down, putting down his bubble tea as he stares at Sehun. “Sehun, _what_ are you talking about?”

“Look, you could have just told me you were going out with him, then I wouldn’t have-“

“Wait, what?” Kyungsoo interrupts, the slow build of shock hitting him blunt and hard. “Going out with-“

“Yixing,” Sehun says, as if it were obvious, frowning at him. “Congrats and all that and-“

“Sehun, I’m not dating him,” Kyungsoo says swiftly. He’s frowning, not sure where this is coming from. It makes him on edge. “I don’t even like him.”

At this, Sehun frowns, almost looking annoyed at him. “What are you talking about? I saw you at lunch today. He was practically all over you and you just-“

“He was _sitting_ with me,” Kyungsoo says a little too loudly. Biting his lip, he shrinks down a bit, but still glares at Sehun, who is glaring back now. “He wasn’t all over me, we were just talking.”

“But you _know_ he likes you,” Sehun says, as if stunned and hurt. As if Kyungsoo spending time with Yixing and being nice to him and friendly is harmful. “Kyungsoo, you can’t just lead people on like that.”

“I’m not leading him on!” Kyungsoo says, shocked at the accusation. “He just wanted to sit with me!”

“He sat through almost all of lunch with his hand on your thigh!” Sehun says. He looks annoyed now, almost indignant. “Does he know you don’t like him?”

“He’s just, I dunno, people like him are really touchy,” Kyungsoo says. He’s getting annoyed, Sehun’s anger making him irritated and that uncomfortable tightness in his chest gets worse. He’s not trying to be mean to Yixing, if anything trying to be friendly to him.

“People like _him_?” Sehun repeats, and his voice raises a little. Then his eyes narrow, and he sits back all the way in his chair. “You’re still stuck on this whole manly thing, aren’t you?”

“Look, he was just sitting with me at lunch,” Kyungsoo says, with feeling. “We’re not dating, and he-“

“You sure acted like you were,” Sehun interrupts him with a bite on his voice. “Look, I don’t care what you think about who or what your type is, you can’t just lead people on like that when they have feelings for you. It’s just not okay.”

“I wasn’t!” Kyungsoo protests loudly, and it echoes through the shop. It goes slightly quiet, and Kyungsoo hunkers down a bit, trying to make himself smaller so as not to draw attention that he’s the cause of the outburst.

Sehun is frowning at him, his bubble tea left on the table between them as his arms cross over his chest. “Does he know that?”

For a second, Kyungsoo almost wants to snap back, tell Sehun that he’s being stupid and getting too invested in this, but then Sehun’s eyes flicker. Maybe this is what had Sehun so quiet earlier, and Kyungsoo’s anger quiets for a moment.

“I’ll tell him,” Kyungsoo says quietly. Across from him, Sehun relaxes just a little. “Just to make sure.” He picks up his bubble tea, sitting back and crossing his legs again, trying to settle into his plastic seat comfortably. “Okay?”

For a long time, longer than Kyungsoo is used to Sehun being quiet, the other boy just sits and goes between watching him and his bubble tea. Then Sehun lets out a long loud sigh, reaching forward and grabbing his drink, and settling into his chair.

“Okay,” he says, and finally smiles.

-

**man man**  
The manliest state of being. Basically being able to do any of the following: chop down trees with your penis, eat rocks for breakfast and shit out gunpowder, headbutt your front door open, causing it to splinter into pieces, jump off a cliff and break your fall with your face, wrestle sharks, kill a bear with your bare hands, etc.

 

This is a terrible idea. Kyungsoo knows as soon as he suggests it that it’s going to be a horrible idea.

He does it anyway, suggesting it the next time Yixing walks up to him in the hall and tries to put his arm around him, asking him how he’s feeling and if he has plans this weekend.

“I’m going to the soccer game on Saturday,” Kyungsoo says around the thickness of nerves on his tongue. “To watch my cousin and support him.”

“I thought you didn’t like sports,” Yixing asks, blinking in surprise.

“But I like my cousin, so it’s kind of like a personal sacrifice. Organ donation except less controversial.” 

Kyungsoo is pretty sure this is an even worse idea now. It’s not a date, he tells himself. He’s just informing Yixing on his schedule so that Yixing knows he’s busy and Kyungsoo doesn’t have to lie and make something up. He can’t rely on his friends to get his back on this, because most of them are trying to set him up with Yixing right now.

“I can meet you there!” Yixing says, looking delighted. “I was going to go anyway, honestly. My best friend is co-captain and I always try to support him. It’s kind of like our agreement, since he goes to all my competitions and is my ride to school every morning.”

“Oh,” Kyungsoo says. He’s not sure why he feels relieved that Yixing was already going. Perhaps it’s because it means this won’t be a date, and he won’t have to think Yixing is there because Kyungsoo is. It takes a lot of the pressure off.

Kyungsoo doesn’t really like pressure, the stress of making the big decisions and not knowing the answers. It’s easier to let someone else handle them so Kyungsoo can just take a break and relax for once. He’s spent a lot of his life taking care of himself and being the responsible one, and it’d be better if someone else did it.

“I’ll sit with you then,” Yixing says brightly. His arm is draped around Kyungsoo’s shoulders easily, and he smells clean, like fresh soap and toothpaste and extremely floral laundry detergent. It makes Kyungsoo’s nose itch. “We can watch the game together. Is anyone else going to be there?”

“The spectators?” Kyungsoo suggests.

Yixing laughs, like he’s actually said something really funny, leaning in and resting some of his weight on Kyungsoo. Kyungsoo almost stiffens, pulling away, and then Yixing is pulling back, pulling Kyungsoo closer so he’s tucked into his side.

Almost protectively, like Yixing is keeping him and being his support as they walk to Kyungsoo’s biology class rather than leaning on him.

“I mean are you friends going to be there,” Yixing clarifies with brightness in his eyes and voice. “Or is it just us?”

Kyungsoo almost answers he doesn’t really care, but then his mind kicks into gear and the words _leading him on_ blaze in bonfire orange against the black abyss of his thoughts. “I’ll check,” Kyungsoo says, and ducks into his biology class before Yixing can do something outrageous.

Like hug him and suggest they make flower crowns before the game.

“Go to the game on Saturday,” Kyungsoo tells Chanyeol and Jongdae as he approaches the lab benches.

“I’m going to say no just because I can,” Jongdae says as he tries to balance a pencil on his upper lip. Kyungsoo frowns at him, turning it into a scowl when Jongdae grins and his pencil falls from his face. “And I wanted to see your face. Totally worth it.”

“I thought you never went to the games,” Chanyeol says, frowning as he looks up from his books. “I thought you, and I quote directly, ‘leave the athleticism to Minseok to maintain household power balance’.”

“I never said that,” Kyungsoo says, staring at Chanyeol blankly. “Why would I say that?”

“You did say it,” Chanyeol says, slightly put out. “You literally-“

“Chanyeol, let it go man,” Jongdae says, reaching over the table to pat Chanyeol’s hands gently. “So why are you going to the game?” Jongdae begins to give him one of his ‘looks’ and Kyungsoo sits down. “Did one of the guys on the team catch your eye? Those manly types, rugged and kicking each other with spikes on their feet running up and down a vacant lot yelling at each other to prove their masculinity for potential mates.”

“Kyungsoo’s just into it because he likes watching boys play with balls together,” Baekhyun says, walking up and dropping his books on Jongdae. “Under all his cute is just the true heart of a voyeur. So proud, I’m so proud.”

“Never mind,” Kyungsoo grumbles, grabbing his books to himself. “Forget I asked.”

Kyungsoo doesn’t explain why he wanted his friends at the game. He only realizes that it makes it look _more_ like a date when he’s alone waiting for Yixing when Yixing shows up apparently pleasantly surprised.

“Your friends couldn’t make it?” Yixing asks, sliding onto the bleachers beside Kyungsoo and sitting close to him. It’s a little chilly for late September, Kyungsoo himself in Minseok’s borrowed sports coat, but Yixing is just in a light long sleeve shirt.

“They’re…” Kyungsoo has no idea what his friends are doing today. “Sick.” Yixing immediately looks concerned, face falling, and Kyungsoo scrambles. “Like, not deathly ill, just-“ Yixing now looks confused as well. “They have tummy aches.”

“Tummy aches,” Yixing repeats slowly, drawing out the words so his lips form around each syllable. Pouting.

“Because they ate a lot of candy,” Kyungsoo says and thinks if Yixing believes him, he’s an idiot. If _anyone_ believes Kyungsoo right now, they’re an idiot.

“Oh,” Yixing says, and looks a little less concerned. “That’s too bad. I hope they feel better.” He smiles and shifts to sit a little closer, his arm brushing Kyungsoo’s. “But I guess that means more us time.” He smiles still, giving a little shrug of his shoulders. “Should be fun!”

“Yeah,” says Kyungsoo, and wonders if he can just say he’s not interested. He wets his lips. “It’ll be nice to hang out. As friends.” There is a soft suspension in his chest, and he watches Yixing intently for his reaction.

Yixing beams at him as he reaches over and clasping a hand on his thigh, squeezing tight. “Exactly! I’ve been wanting to spend more time with you, Kyungsoo. I really like you.”

“ _Yes_ ,” Kyungsoo says with a strain in his voice as Yixing’s hand doesn’t pull away. “I like you as a _friend_ too.”

This is called ‘friendzoning’, Kyungsoo thinks. Where it’s very purposefully stated that you like someone as a _friend_ and therefore _don’t_ want to date them. Baekhyun talked about it a lot over the summer when Kyungsoo asked him about a coworker that was giving him problems at his summer job.

“I’m so happy we can do this together,” Yixing tells him, smiling warmly. “It’s really nice of you to ask me to come to the game with you.”

“I’m just here for my cousin,” Kyungsoo tries to backpedal. “You know, because we’re related. And your friend is on the team, right?”

“Yeah, Han and I have been friends for a while,” Yixing says, thankfully distracted. “He’s the alarmingly pretty one.” Kyungsoo follows where Yixing is pointing towards the field. He can see the team gathered around. Kyungsoo doesn’t often spend time with the team, letting Minseok keep that world to himself. He’s seen a few of them, some of Minseok’s senior friends coming over every now and then, but mostly doesn’t know them.

The only friend of Minseok’s Kyungsoo does know is the Junior class president, who has always treated him nicely.

The senior Yixing is pointing out now, who has his bright blond hair pinned back from his face, Kyungsoo does recognize. He’s seen him in the lunchroom a few times, sitting with Minseok at the senior’s table.

“He is kind of pretty,” Kyungsoo comments, squinting to try to see his face better. “He looks almost too pretty to be playing sports like this.”

“What?” Yixing suddenly is laughing, leaning back from him and his face creased with mirth. Kyungsoo stares in shock, and Yixing seems to realize he’s not kidding. “Han is one of the best players on the team. I swear, I’ve never heard anyone talk more about their masculinity like him. He’s such a jock.”

“But he’s so skinny,” Kyungsoo observes, looking back at the field and at Han. Han is currently bouncing around, dribbling the ball with his feet before Minseok steals it from him. Han reacts by shouting something and then doing a very enthusiastic series of jumping jacks before dissolving into laughter. “He just… he doesn’t look like your normal jock.”

“Well, I would never call him ‘normal,’ but he definitely is a jock,” Yixing says, though he’s looking at Kyungsoo differently. “Also, just fair warning, never call him pretty to his face unless you want a fist in yours. He’s really touchy about it.”

“Why?” Kyungsoo asks, frowning.

“Because he’s had one too many times when people bullied him about it,” Yixing says bluntly. “Han hates it. He’s always going out of his way to do things that are ‘guy’ things just to prove to other people that he’s not what they think he is. He’s weird, but for some reason people categorize his shyness and how weird he can be with being effeminate.”

“Being shy is kind of-“

“No,” Yixing says, and Kyungsoo snaps his mouth closed with a frown. “Being shy for him is the same as another man feeling intimidated by others. I doubt you’ve never been shy, and shyness isn’t specific to one kind of person. People just give him shit about it because he looks a certain way. It doesn’t mean he’s not brave.”

On the field, Kyungsoo watches as Han shrieks when two of the other team mates run at him, dropping to the grass as they bowl into him. “He doesn’t look very brave.”

“Courage doesn’t mean being an idiot and trying to prove things don’t scare you,” Yixing says. “Courage means doing something you love and not caring if other people judge you for it, or doing something you’re afraid of to conquer it.” He looks out over the field. “It doesn’t make you any less of who you are, or any less of a person. Like how I would never say Minseok isn’t masculine just because he’s small and has a cute face.”

“That’s because Minseok is manly,” Kyungsoo says, looking down at his cousin. “He’s always been manly. He like sports and works out and does all that guy stuff.”

“Opposed to the guys who do not guy stuff,” Yixing says, and there’s something teasing about his voice. “I never knew working out was so indicative of being manly.”

“It is,” Kyungsoo says, and turns to Yixing. “Like, being strong and stuff. Manly men don’t take shit and don’t break down or cry or let his emotions rule them. They don’t get wrapped up in the whole thing of sentiment and romance because, because they don’t have to. They just get the job done.” It sounds really stupid now Kyungsoo says it, and he finishes under his breath, “and I like them.”

It makes him feel a bit less confident now, consider he’s just explained what Chanyeol and Jongdae have consistently described as ‘a brick.’ Now Kyungsoo kind of sees why.

“And that’s the kind of guy you like?” Yixing asks. He sounds taken back, almost surprised at how emphatic Kyungsoo is about this. “A guy like that?”

“Everyone has a type,” Kyungsoo defends himself. “Like, I’m sure you like guys who are cute and stuff.” Yixing’s eyes widen and Kyungsoo immediately quiets. “You seem… like the type.”

“I never really thought I had a type, I just thought I liked things because I liked them,” Yixing says, after a long pause. Then he looks at Kyungsoo. “Do _you_ think I’m manly?”

It feels like everything he could say would be the wrong answer, and Kyungsoo almost considers just seeing if he can stay silent the entire soccer game. The team is still doing warm ups, so it’d be a definite test of patience. “You’re… well, you’re male.”

“Obviously,” Yixing says. “I would have thought the lack of breasts and presence of dick might indicate that, but I have been proven wrong before.” He leans forward, picking up his backpack to rest in his lap. “My mom when I was younger put mine and Han’s hair in little pony tails on the tops of our heads so we wouldn’t get our bangs in our ramen when she took us out for lunch. Everyone thought we were little girls, because my favorite color is purple, and Han used to insist on wearing this gross pink tracksuit every day. He never wore pink again after that.”

“What about you?” Kyungsoo asks, a bit distracted by the story. He remembers how Jongin would sometimes tell him about when his mom would let his hair grow out and all the ladies in the market would think he was a girl. He remembers how Jongin always looks so embarrassed by that part of his history.

“I kept wearing purple and told the ladies at the restaurant that if they made my sister cry again, I’d dump my soup on them,” Yixing says, a soft fond smile on his face. “Han hit me so hard for that, but I’ll never forget it. Because he stopped wearing his pink jumpsuit and I stopped listening to stories about prince charming.”

“What’s so bad about prince charming?” Kyungsoo asks, his own mind suddenly racing with the images and ideas from his books as a kid. The stories of strong, brave, courageous men going on adventures to vanquish the enemy and win their fights. The heroes who got the girl and never cried and took care of everything because that’s what a hero, a real man, does.

“A guy who just kills stuff and gets the girl or guy and then it ends?” Yixing says, looking skeptical. “There’s more of the story I want there. If all the guy likes is killing shit and building his abs, he’s probably not a winner. Any guy can go and body build, but that doesn’t make them anything special. Or manly. I work out, but that doesn’t mean I think that’s what makes me manly, or proves I’m a man.”

“I thought your dick proved you were a man,” Kyungsoo says, remembering what Yixing had said earlier.

“Some women have dicks,” Yixing says. “It doesn’t mean they don’t consider themselves women and feminine. Some men are prettier than some girls, like Han is pretty, and Baekhyun is cuter that a lot of girls I know.”

“Baekhyun isn’t cute, he’s annoying,” Kyungsoo says, almost reflexively as Yixing mentions him. “He just thinks he’s cute.”

“But that doesn’t mean it makes him any less manly, or attractive, or interesting, or worthy of someone just because he’s not a specific type,” Yixing says. “It’s like saying because you’re gay you love shopping and watching romantic movies.” He smiles, and Kyungsoo feels a little speechless, like he’s not sure what he thinks or how he feels. If he agrees or disagrees with Yixing. “For example,” Yixing continues, and his hand rests on Kyungsoo’s leg again. “I’m gay, my favorite color is purple, and I love sci-fi movies and crime dramas and playing video games.”

“I like action movies,” Kyungsoo says, feeling a little hesitant to answer, or say much of anything. He’s still reeling a little. “And black.”

“Purple and black,” Yixing says, and smiles. “Like those things you’re researching. The eggs on people.”

“Buboes,” Kyungsoo says, catching on quickly and Yixing smiles at him again. “They were because of swollen lymph nodes and dried blood under the skin. It wasn’t until they fell off that someone was given a chance to live through the plague.”

“Well, I like my color, so I’m going to keep it, even if it does want to fall off sometimes” Yixing says, and hugs his purple backpack closer to him. “It doesn’t make me or you any more or less manly because of it. Just like Han’s pretty face or Baekhyun’s enjoyment of being cute doesn’t mean they’re less manly. If anything, it makes them more so.”

Kyungsoo frowns, not looking to the field even as the whistle to begin the game sounds. He just watches Yixing. “Why?”

“Because you said it yourself,” Yixing says, even as he turns his attention to the field. “Part of being manly is not being afraid, of being courageous and strong. What’s more brave than being yourself?”

Kyugnsoo doesn’t stand up when the crowd begins cheering, standing on the bleachers as the teams run onto the field. Kyungsoo sits and stares, wordless, as Yixing stands beside him, bouncing slightly on his toes as he whoops and cheers and claps loudly, his fist punching into the air. Kyungsoo barely remembers to cheer for the team as he watches the game start with Yixing beside him.

Kyungsoo hasn’t been to many sports games, not since he was much younger and Insung used to take him to see Minseok’s first soccer games. Not since Insung had signed Kyugnsoo up for baseball before realizing Kyungsoo’s commitment was less to the sport than whacking the home plate with a bat.

_Sports just aren’t your thing. Not everyone can do stuff like that, like me. You’re just not made out for this stuff, so don’t bother. It’s not your style._

Kyungsoo never really understood soccer, and most often didn’t really go to talk to Minseok about it. It was all too loud, too confusing, and too busy for him to appreciate aside from the flashes of toned thighs. Watching the sports fit men was about as far as Kyungsoo ever got with athletics, too conscious of how he’d look like an idiot in the stands with no clue what was going on.

“Do you need help?” Yixing asks, sitting back down finally and leaning close. His arm wraps lightly around Kyungsoo, not quite at his waist, but almost. Kyungsoo frowns, staring out at the field with his bottom lip between his teeth. “Have you never been to a game?”

“I’m usually busy,” Kyungsoo says, frowning more as the crowd yells.

“Okay,” Yixing says, and leans so close he’s fitted to Kyungsoo’s side, almost curved around him. “We’ll go slow then.” He begins to explain, slowly and simply detailing the game, pointing with little gestures and motions to the players on the field. Kyungsoo follows him as best as he can, finding himself leaning back into him as he tries to pay attention.

Yixing is strong, his body firm and sturdy as Kyungsoo presses back into him, a dramatic contrast to his softer voice streaming into Kyungsoo’s ear. He explains why Han is benched, what the colors of the cards mean, why Minseok takes a penalty shot, and his fingers inch to curl around Kyungsoo’s waist.

It’s a strange sort of morning game, Kyungsoo surprising even himself when he follows a play that they score on, throwing his hands up and yelling in excitement. He turns to Yixing, exuberant, and sees Yixing laughing, his hands clapping together as he watches him, his eyes dancing.

And Kyungsoo feels like some of the wind has been knocked out of him.

-

In the 14th century, most of Europe was ravaged by a pestilence that earned the name of ‘the black death’. This was because of the visible symptoms on a victim’s body. They plague, caused by a bacteria known as Yersinia pestis, targeted the lymphatic system in those infected, causing swelling of the lymph nodes in the neck, armpits, and groin.

These swollen glands, known as buboes, derived from the Greek meaning ‘groin’, were the most known signs of the plague, though, of course other symptoms of the plague also existed.

In fact, there were three different kinds of the plague in the 14th century in Europe. There was bubonic, which was from the buboes, where people could live four to seven days before death. Then there was pneumonic, which acted faster, manifesting within the lungs as well.

People died in about three days from that one.

The most deadly was septicemic, which was in the blood through direct tissue contact with infected people. It had the highest rate of fatalities and the shortest acting period, most victims dying within seventy two hours.

“Why are you telling me all of this?” Chanyeol asks weakly, sounding slightly pleading as he tries to keep his voice down. They’re in the computer lab, Kyungsoo sitting on his chair with his notebook in his lap open to his notes page on ‘THE BLACK DEATH’.

“I thought you asked me what I was doing,” Kyungsoo says, staring at his friend. 

“I asked to just- I didn’t need to know all this doom and gloom,” Chanyeol sighs, sitting back into his chair. “This is why I chose Typhoid.”

“You just chose Typhoid because of Typhoid Mary,” Kyungsoo reminds him.

“Exactly,” Chanyeol reaffirms. “Because it is _significant_ to remind people in my presentation to maintain proper hygiene and washing their hands after they use the bathroom. It’s essential in disease prevention.”

“They knew to wash their hands during the typhoid outbreaks though,” Kyungsoo reminds him. “Mary was just a bitch who didn’t want to wash her hands.” He pokes at his notes. “People back in the 14th century didn’t know about that though, or about the real causes of disease. They thought it was the fumes from poor sanitation and bad air. So the doctors especially would walk around with these huge masks on their faces, with a portion in front like a beak that they’d stuff full of flowers.”

“Wow,” Chanyeol says tonelessly. “That’s fascinating.”

“It’s where they whole ring around the rosie rhyme came from,” Kyungsoo explains, looking down at his notes again. “Because when a person got a bite from an infected flea the bite would get a red ring around it, and then people carried flowers, or posies.”

“To ward off the smell?” Chanyeol prompts.

“Yeah, then they burned all the corpses, which kind of helped, because then the fleas died too, but still everyone kind of died,” Kyungsoo finishes. “We all fall down.”

“Thank you, Kyungsoo,” Chanyeol says flatly. “You’re such a bright ray of sunshine for my day. I really needed that bit of happy thoughtful and optimistic news.”

“It’s just history,” Kyungsoo tells him. “What’s the big deal? It’s what happened in our past as one of the largest known outbreaks and one of the biggest disparities in medicine regarding how they treated the outbreaks.” He looks up at Chanyeol, who has this sort of resigned glazed look on his face. “I mean, it wasn’t immediately their eureka moment, realizing that the disease was caused by poor living conditions or old outdated concepts of disease treatment.”

“Because people back in those days still thought using leeches was the solution for everything,” Chanyeol prompts. “Leeches and not showering.”

“But they did kind of figure it out,” Kyungsoo says, frowning a bit as he thinks a bit more on this. Thinks about how the people in 14th century Europe were basically losing lives all over without enough people to bury the dead, and how they just did what they knew. “They just, you know, needed a bit of time before they figured out blood letting wasn’t really the answer.”

“Which is fortunate,” Chanyeol says, though he still looks a bit suffering. “I’m glad when I go to the nurse these days for headaches she doesn’t stab me and let me bleed out or put leeches on me.”

“That’s just medicine,” Kyungsoo says. “Slowly growing and changing as time moves on. Like clothing fads.”

“Yeah, I don’t miss pantaloons either,” Chanyeol says. “I know Junmyeon may think heels work to his advantage but honestly, I’m so glad that men stopped wearing them.”

“Chanyeol, you’ve never worn pantaloons,” Kyungsoo points out. 

“All for the better,” Chanyeol says brightly. “Same with those Shakespeare collars. They always looked itchy.”

“They were stylish at the time,” Kyungsoo reminds him, the unit on European history from the year prior not evading him.

“Yeah, and so was throwing your bedpans in the streets. Look what that ended up doing,” Chanyeol says, with a pointed nod. “People who refused to open their minds and think about new ideas or stop being so damn hard headed about sanitation ended up perpetuating disease and the spread of it.”

“They didn’t know any better,” Kyungsoo says, frowning a little. “It was just what they had been taught. People back then didn’t know that not being clean or sleeping with animals was bad. They didn’t realize why they were getting sick was because they were being bitten by fleas and not because they didn’t work out.”

“What?” Chanyeol asks, face collapsing in confusion.

“Because they-“ Kyungsoo stills, realizing what he just said. “Because they didn’t breathe, um, flower air.”

“What does working out have to do with the black death?” Chanyeol asks, his head tilting to the side a little. Somehow, and Kyungsoo isn’t entirely sure why, his thoughts have begun to all bleed together. It’s probably because he’s been doing so much lately. Going between researching for this project, to hanging out with his friends, and texting with Sehun and Yixing more than he usually might.

It feels like every conversation he has with Yixing is a mixed mash of subjects. From Kyungsoo’s project with the plague to Kyungsoo’s view on life and manly subtly in the background to dance origins and cooking techniques. The last time Kyungsoo had run into Yixing had been near the choir room, and Yixing had offered to show him what ‘urban’ music and dance was.

Sehun hadn’t responded to any of his texts when Kyungsoo had told him, and it makes Kyungsoo think too much.

It all clogs up, being too many things at once that he’s thinking about along with all the stuff he normally thinks about. It makes Kyungsoo just go straight back into himself, where he misses and wants to have someone who is uncomplicated, laid back, indifferent. Lazy as shit. Kyungsoo frowns, letting out an annoyed breath as he thinks that’s not right either, and pushes it to the back of his mind. Which is, unfortunately, filled with everything else.

“Nothing,” Kyungsoo says, frowning as he turns back to his books. “Just- they’re kind of the same thing, you know?”

“What are kind of the same thing?” Chanyeol asks, looking concerned. “Working out and leeches?”

“No,” Kyungsoo says. “How people think.”

“Oh yeah, definitely a lot like working out. Medical practices of the 14th century are definitely the same as working out.”

“No, you asshole,” Kyungsoo huffs, turning to him. Chanyeol is grinning widely. “I mean how people thought about things differently. How they, how their idea of things changed, because of what they knew or who influenced them.”

“Meaning what?”

“It’s like how we think about stuff,” Kyungsoo elaborates. “Like, you think you’re pretty smart, right?”

“I don’t think I’m smart,” Chanyeol says with a pointed look. “I know I’m smart.”

“Okay, so bad example,” Kyungsoo says, frowning at him. “You’re useless.” Chanyeol scrunches up his face at that. “But I mean like, how once it was normal for guys to wear make up, and then in other cultures men had to prove they were men. By doings stuff like rituals to show they were strong and protective and wouldn’t break under pressure and cry.”

“Is this about the whole manly thing again?”

“It’s _not_ just the manly thing,” Kyungsoo protests, annoyed. “But, seriously the one thing that has been strong as we know it is this idea of a guy being really masculine. Like… that really iconic masculine figure, really manly, and robust. Like how Jongin looks.”

“Jongin just looks manly,” Chanyeol says with a little bit of a laugh. “You should have seen him when he realized Dilandau was actually-“

“But he _looks_ like it,” Kyungsoo says, not really wanting to hear about whatever anime Chanyeol is watching with Jongin. “He looks like it and he’s kind of stoic.”

“Jongin,” Chanyeol repeats blankly. “Stoic.”

“Well, maybe not stoic.”

“Kyungsoo, he cried when he realized they weren’t going to bring back the giant cookies to the cafeteria.”

“Jongin is a bad example of manly,” Kyungsoo restates, feeling flustered. “Just physically, he’s manly.” He sighs, realizing his own jumbled thoughts make this a bit worse to explain. “Look, it’s like how my favorite color is black, and Jongdae’s is pink.”

“What does that have to do with anything?”

“Because I want someone who is manly and also likes black manly things and doesn't squirm when I talk about the plague and Jongdae wants rainbows and candy bars!”

Chanyeol is staring at him, wide eyed and shocked. Kyungsoo realizes he’s just shouted in the computer labs. Very, very loudly. He lets out a soft little sound, mostly like a whimper, and curls closer to his computer. This is all just…

Kyungsoo knows what he likes, what he wants, and how he is. He’s known for a long time. It’s easy to just choose what he likes when there’s at least a selection. He’d thought it was confusing before, when it became more than just ‘I want to date a man’ and into ‘what kind of man?’ Now, he’s got so many new ideas and other opinions that all conflict with what he thought he knew.

Kyungsoo likes men who are manly, more so than himself, at least. Like Yifan was, or like Insung is, or Minseok, or his dad, or… Kyungsoo just wants someone who won’t push him and force him to do something because of their numerous needs and desires, and he wants to just…

Be alone.

But that’s not right either. Not always.

“I don’t think that’s really what you were trying to say, but that’s okay,” comes Chanyeol’s soft voice, and a hand lays on Kyungsoo’s shoulder gently. “If you really are so bothered by Baekhyun and Jongdae, just tell them to stop bothering you. You shouldn’t-“

“They’re not,” Kyungsoo snaps without meaning to. “I mean, they are, they were in the beginning. I just- I know what I want and don’t appreciate being told I don’t know what I want despite how I know what I want because I want it.”

Chanyeol just stares at him for a moment. “Right,” he says. “Exactly.” He smiles, and it looks almost nervous. “I just want you to be happy, because this is kind of stressing you out.”

“Life is stressing me out,” Kyungsoo grumbles. Chanyeol smiles sympathetically, his hand now rubbing small circles on his shoulder. The soft vibration in his pocket makes him jump, swearing a little as he tries to calm down.

_Hey. Movie night this weekend? My place and I promise I’ll ask mom to pick up cola~ You can choose the first movie ^^_

Kyungsoo doesn’t have the energy to answer Sehun, so he pockets his phone, and closes his eyes. Chanyeol keeps rubbing his back slowly, going back to his own studying, but still just there, a stable steady presence.

Reassuring and kind and supportive.

Kyungsoo turns, and closes his eyes again, and tries to think through the mess that twists inside him and makes him feel so confused about himself.

-

_Guess who’s in the car to come home this weekend? THIS GUY!_

Kyungsoo nearly drops his phone, clutching it a bit too hard as he stares at the text message from Insung and feels both incredibly proud and incredibly embarrassed. He quickly types back something that doesn’t sound too excited and sends it back. Letting Insung know that Kyungsoo can almost feel his heart vibrating in excitement isn’t a great idea, especially since Insung sometimes gets worried when he realizes Kyungsoo misses him.

It’s at times like those that he’ll lightly punch Kyungsoo in the shoulder, smiling and telling him it’s fine, that Kyungsoo will be fine without him. That Kyungsoo is going to be okay, even when to Kyungsoo the apartment always feels too big without his oldest cousin there.

_Insung is coming home this weekend. We should figure out dinner plans and make sure we’re not busy._ Kyungsoo texts Minseok as soon as he finishes with his text to Insung. _What do you think about making dumplings?_

_I think you’re going to make them because I have back to back practice and an advising meeting with the reps for universities. Plus, Insung will just take us out, remember?_

Kyungsoo frowns. His oldest cousin has always had the habit of taking them out for dinner when he comes home, treating them all to something really fun. Kyungsoo knows it’s Insung’s way of trying to apologize for being away all the time, but Kyungsoo still wants to have a meal at home. With all of them together.

Like a family. 

It’s hard enough already that he barely sees his aunt and uncle, their jobs keeping them away while they kept their kids in school. Having Insung away all the time doesn’t make Kyungsoo feel like Insung owes it to them to buy them dinner.

He just misses him.

Not that he’d tell Insung that, because then Insung would probably feel bad and try to sit him down to talk but have no idea what to say. Which is kind of made worse because Kyungsoo rarely knows what to say either.

_Can we at least make pancakes this weekend?_

“Who are you making pancakes for and can I have some?” startles Kyungsoo so that he nearly drops his phone. Reflexively, he clutches it so tight he feels like he might break it, turning to stare at Sehun. Sehun is looming over him, almost pressed up against his back as he fits to practically wrap around Kyungsoo from behind.

Kyungsoo must have been really caught up in his phone. Relaxing, because it’s only Sehun, Kyungsoo leans back to bump against him, smiling a little when Sehun pushes back, steadying him. He leans forward a moment later, curling himself so he can wrap around Kyungsoo fully and place his chin on his shoulder.

“Insung is coming home this weekend,” Kyungsoo explains, leafing through the messages in his phone. He’s standing outside the library, having been given pause before going inside as his phone went off with a slight buzz. It’s after school, and he doesn’t really want to wait for Minseok today, despite how they usually walk home together when Minseok finishes practice.

“He is?” Sehun asks, sounding far more surprised than Kyungsoo might have expected. “For real?”

Jabbing an elbow back, Kyungsoo lets himself smile a little at the soft whine let against his ear. “Yes, you jerk, he’s actually coming home this weekend.”

“Does that mean you’re not free for movies anymore?” There is a slight lilt of disappointment on Sehun’s tone, but Kyungsoo knows it’s probably just him pouting.

“I’ll watch movies with you next weekend,” Kyungsoo tells him. He leans back, letting most of his weight press against Sehun as he continues to scroll through his messages. It’s comfortable like this, where Sehun curls around him and just wiggles so he can wrap around and rest his head against Kyungsoo’s shoulder. “I promise. I just haven’t seen him. You know how it is.”

“Yeah,” Sehun says softly, his breath tickling Kyungsoo’s jaw. “I’m glad he’s finally coming home, though. You’ve missed him a lot.”

“He’s just busy,” Kyungsoo mumbles to his phone, scrolling through his messages. From Minseok, from Baekhyun, from Chanyeol, from Minah, from Sehun, from Yixing, from Sehun, from Sehun, from Sehun. “You text me too much.”

“No I don’t, I text you the perfect amount,” Sehun tells him. His arms come to wind around Kyungsoo’s front, squeezing a bit. “Just enough that you never feel lonely.”

“How can I feel lonely when I’m always being bothered?” Kyungsoo asks him. He almost shrugs Sehun off, pushing him away, but it’s kind of nice. It’s been a long time since Kyungsoo was held, really held. He missed it.

“You’ll have to take that one up with Baekhyun,” Sehun tells him and squeezes a bit tighter when Kyungsoo lets out a surprised laugh. Sehun laughs too, burying his lighter laughs into Kyungsoo’s shoulder, his smile pressing through Kyungsoo’s tee shirt. “But next weekend? You promise?”

“Yes, you big baby, I promise,” Kyungsoo says, turning a bit to reach up and shove Sehun off. Except somehow half way through reaching out to shove him off, he ends up burying his hand in Sehun’s soft brown hair, ruffling it gently. “It’s our thing, remember?”

When Sehun was introduced to Kyungsoo through Jongin, they had ended up all going to the movies together. Kyungsoo usually prefers to go to the movies alone, and Jongin doesn’t like most of the movies Kyungsoo is interested in. Jongin had ended up curled up with his head on Kyungsoo’s shoulder through the vampire thriller, shrinking down into his chair as the movie progressed. Sehun had been quiet, raptly watching the screen and gasping at all the right moments, gripping his chair a little tighter.

Kyungsoo doesn’t often like to watch movies with other people, but Sehun somehow worked his way into a spot next to him on some weekends. Kyungsoo likes to watch movies alone, only sometimes watching them with friends, and somehow when Sehun asks, Kyungsoo always says yes.

“Unless of course you’re saving next weekend go to spend more ‘quality time’ with Yixing,” Sehun says, and Kyungsoo stops ruffling his hair.

Pulling away, it feels colder, less okay. “I’m not,” he says firmly, staring hard at Sehun. “He’s not my type.”

“You shouldn’t have a type,” Sehun huffs at him, rolling his eyes. “You’re sixteen. Types are for people who are thirty and have to actually consider their life. At sixteen you should be more concerned with growing facial hair than-“

“I just don’t want to date someone who I’m not interested in,” Kyungsoo says pointedly, cutting Sehun off. He pockets his phone, wishing a little wistfully for the softness from just a moment before. “He’s nice, and, well, I guess there are _parts_ of him that are manly. But it’s not my style.”

“Your-“ Sehun’s eyes go wide and then narrow, looking frustrated. “How can you have a _style_? You’ve only dated _one_ guy and-“

“And that was my style,” Kyungsoo argues. Somewhere, he feels like he’s shaking in his body, a sort of rattling that ricochets around inside him and knocks out his support beams.

“Yifan was your style?” Sehun says flatly. “Your _only_ style? You don’t have any deviation and you’re just going to measure up every guy you meet against some guy who dumped you to go-”

“Stop it,” Kyungsoo says, suddenly tired. He doesn’t want to do this, to revisit this, and talk about this. Kyungsoo _doesn’t_ talk about this. He _never_ wants to talk about this. “I don’t want to talk about this.” _This hurts._

“I’m-“ Sehun’s anger is gone, his irritation and narrowed eyes suddenly widening and his mouth drops open. “Kyungsoo, I’m sorry. I just-“

“What?” Kyungsoo asks, frowning. He’s tired of this conversation. “You just wanted to tell me I’m doing it wrong? That I don’t know what I’m talking about like you know me better than I know me? That you know how I feel, that you get what it’s like to be left behind and pushed aside like you don’t mean anything and -“ He stops, snapping his mouth closed.

“No,” Sehun says, and his voice is so much softer, apologetic. “No, I didn’t mean it like that and I didn’t mean for it to sound like that and I’m sorry. I’m just- I’m worried about you and what’s going on and I just want you to be with someone who makes you happy rather than being-“

“Then leave me alone,” Kyungsoo snaps. He can feel it, at the back of his throat, that soft itch that creeps up behind his eyes and stings his nose and makes him feel too hot. He hates it, hates it so much and doesn’t think before turning and walking away, heading for the bathrooms.

Sehun doesn’t follow him. Or maybe he does, and he just realizes Kyungsoo means what he said when he locks himself in a stall and closes his eyes in the solitude and feels water on his face.

He bites his lip, keeping silent even as he leans back against the stall door. He hates crying, hates feeling so overwhelmed and out of control and helpless and he _hates_ it. Especially the crying.

_A real man never cries._ It’d be easier to cry if he didn’t worry someone else might tell him he shouldn’t, that they’d not cry and let him do it instead so he didn’t feel so on edge all the time. But it’s so scary, and Kyungsoo doesn’t like hurting.

Kyungsoo, as much as he likes being alone, sometimes really wishes he wasn’t. He can hear and feel his phone vibrating in his pocket and almost takes it out, but doesn’t. His hands are shaking a little and he doesn’t like this, where he’s feeling too bottled up with feelings to understand and sort them but they’re all coming from somewhere. The mess of feelings that he has too much of lately.

Kyungsoo just wishes for that stable place, the strong arms and the even voice, the reminder that he’s going to be okay that he can believe. He doesn’t want sweet nothings and romance, because he’s no good at it himself, and he can’t give that back. Just the strong stoic stability, like when Insung used to give him hugs when Kyungsoo was scared of the dark when he was younger. The silent resolute and determined hold that kept him up. Manly and strong and that’s what’s right, right?

Still a little red about the eyes, Kyungsoo pushes his way out of the bathroom stall and looks up towards the mirror. He freezes, staring at Yixing leaning over the sinks and carefully putting his hair off his face. Seeing Kyungsoo in the mirror, he breaks into a wide smile and waves, his eyes meeting Kyungsoo’s in the mirror.

“Hey!”

Yixing is in a seriously low tank, his zip up sweatshirt hanging open and slipping off a shoulder as he wears looser pants. Kyungsoo can see the lines of his thighs, the flash of his chest, the size of his arms, and even the soft curve of his backside all at once.

It’s a lot to take in.

“Hi,” Kyungsoo says thickly, stepping up. He realizes this probably looks really strange, and he doesn’t want to explain that he was just in the bathroom because his emotions went wonky, so he turns on the tap to wash his hands. “What are you all dressed up for?”

“Practice!” Yixing says brightly. “The soccer team is using the locker rooms at the moment and I didn’t want to get in their way. We have practice in about a half hour if you’re not busy.”

“Practice?” Kyungsoo says, frowning as he thinks of Yixing running up and down with a soccer ball dressed like- Oh. “Oh, for dance.”

“Yep!” Yixing says brightly. “You can finally see what ‘urban’ is and maybe even see what I’m talking about when I say dancing really is like a sport.”

“Ballet isn’t really a sport though,” Kyungsoo replies.

“Ballet is extremely physically demanding on the body, more so than most sports out there. It uses all of the body, and the amount of precision required to execute those dance moves challenges a very talented marksman,” Yixing says, glancing at Kyungsoo in the mirror. He tugs his hair up into a little ponytail sticking straight up, holding his bangs back from his face. “I doubt any marksman can break things in half just by tensing and flexing their thighs, yet I know Jongin could probably break a person’s fingers with his.”

“You spend that much time staring at Jongin’s thighs?” Kyungsoo asks, feeling a bit shocked. He’s not really ever thought about how Jongin’s physique, his extremely attractive and toned body, was attributed to dance.

“I like thighs,” Yixing says with a grin. As if to demonstrate, he glances down at Kyungsoo’s legs, then back up at his face. “Some people like eyes, I like thighs.”

“Good to know.” Kyungsoo feels slightly preyed upon. 

“Anyway, you should come to practice,” Yixing says, finally pulling back. “Maybe not today if you’re busy but tomorrow? Before the weekend?” He looks almost hopeful. “Are you doing anything this weekend?”

“My cousin is coming home,” Kyungsoo explains, happy that he doesn’t have to make up a lie this time. “Kind of a big deal.”

“Another time then,” Yixing says brightly, not at all put off. “I hope to see you at practice!”

It isn’t until Kyungsoo gets home and has been lounging on his bed for a bit he remembers the texts on his phone. He’s not as upset now, and a part of him feels guilty for just leaving Sehun like that. He feels even worse when he opens the messages.

_Kyungsoo, I’m sorry. I know it was wrong for me to say that, and I don’t really know what you’re going through or what you’re dealin with_

_right now. You do know yourself best, and I always trust you and your decisions because I know you don’t make them lightly. Because you’re acareful and you do_

_work hard to make sure things are ok for u and for others. I really didn’t mean t o soun d like I did I just get worried about you bc I see that ur upset and I don’ kno_

_what to do to help and I guess I said the wrong thing. And I kno that. And I’m sorry :c  
I’m so so so so so sorry and I really didn’t mena to hurt u I just want u 2 b happy ♡_

_♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡_

Closing his eyes, Kyungsoo lets himself slump into his bed, phone clutched in his hands, and face buried in his pillow, feeling both terrible and oddly fluttery.

-

When Kyungsoo had looked up from his notebook in the library as someone tapped him, he had expected Sehun. Why he expected Sehun he’s not entirely sure, and he almost feels bad for feeling surprised when he looked up into Jongin’s face.

“I need your help.”

“Math?” Kyungsoo asks, putting down his pen. He’d been making a notes on the various medical treatments and burial rituals of the 4th century. Also witchcraft accusations.

Jongin just smiles and looks a little guilty.

“Why don’t you ask Chanyeol though?” Kyungsoo asks, frowning a little. “You know he’s really good in maths and sciences. Plus, he’s already told you tons of times that he’d be happy to help.”

Jongin chews his lip. “He’s busy today,” Jongin says. “Something to do with drama club and a few other things with the broadcasting group. And I have dance practice, so even if he were free-“

“Okay, okay,” Kyungsoo says, flipping his notebook closed. He stands up, shoving it into his backpack. “When is dance?”

Right now, apparently. Which Kyungsoo is a bit surprised at, considering he’d though Jongin wanted help with math before dance, not that he’d have Kyungsoo supervise him in dance so they can get to math immediately after. “Can’t you just come and get me after?”

Jongin frowns, looking a little put out, and his lower lip begins to poke out in a small pout. He looks at his hands, twisting in the thin material of his shirt. “Yeah, but I just also wanted you to come and see the practice. It’s really fun and you missed the showcase I did this summer at the company and-“

“Okay,” Kyungsoo says, not really wanting to have Jongin begging him to come and see a stupid practice.

Kyungsoo only remembers after he arrives at the dance studio room (which is also the wrestling room) that Yixing is the Dance Team captain, and thus also there. He looks shocked when he sees Kyungsoo walk in with Jongin, and then smiles widely. Kyungsoo shoves Jongin to go join rehearsal, watching as he walks to Yixing and explains apparently as Kyungsoo looks over the group.

“What are you doing here?” startles Kyungsoo from behind, and he turns quickly to look. Then he looks up, feeling a bit surprised as Sehun looks down at him with a vague sort of confusion.

“I’m waiting for Jongin,” he answers, looking up at Sehun. Sehun is in looser fitting clothes than Kyungsoo has seen in a long time, and he’s frowning like he still isn’t sure why Kyungsoo is here. “He asked me for some help with math later and I’m just waiting for him to finish up.”

“So you’re going to watch our practice?” Sehun sounds so surprised. “You’ve never watched practice when I asked you to.” He pouts, slumping a bit and fixing Kyungsoo with a specifically guilt tripping look.

“That’s because you’re not Jongin,” says a familiar voice. Baekhyun ducks around Sehun and bounces a little as he practically jumps on Kyungsoo. “I, for one, am delighted. It means I won’t be lonely and there will be someone to talk to while I wait for Sehun to finish up.”

Somewhere, under his tummy, Kyungsoo feels a tug of annoyance. Probably because of Baekhyun. “You’re waiting for Sehun?”

“Well, yeah,” Baekhyun says almost grudgingly. Then he sighs, straightening himself in a very self-sacrificing manner. “Because I care so deeply for the welfare of my younger classmates and friends, I have agreed to treat him to bubble tea afterwards.”

“But I thought-“ Kyungsoo snaps his mouth closed. He’s being stupid. Again, probably because of Baekhyun. “Whatever. Just don’t be too noisy during practice.”

“Watch me, yeah?” Sehun says, nudging Kyungsoo gently with his elbow as Baekhyun walks off to talk to Yixing as well. Unlike Jongin, who had approached Yixing respectfully, Baekhyun sort of swaggers up at him. He looks like a cowboy about to proposition a barmaid. Kyungsoo almost pities Yixing, despite how Yixing seems to smile and think it’s _funny_.

Yixing did, after all, say he thought Baekhyun was cute. Maybe it’s just Yixing being weird, or being Yixing. Kyungsoo still isn’t quite sure about him, where he once had been.

“I’m just here to wait for Jongin,” Kyungsoo reminds. “I’ll probably do some homework.” Sehun looks a little disappointed. “But I’ll try,” Kyungsoo adds, feeling that small tug. Some of the anger and annoyance that Kyungsoo had felt the other day at Sehun has quieted a lot. He’s had a day to calm down about it, and is a little too excited about Insung arriving tonight for the weekend to really be mad about anything.

“I’ll work extra hard then!” Sehun chirps, smiling widely and so his eyes crease up into little crescents. His hand slips like he’s about to reach for Kyungsoo, but then he pulls back, as if realizing what he’s just done.

Kyungsoo blinks.

Kyungsoo has never been to a dance practice before. Kyungsoo isn’t really sure what he expected from dance practices, but it was a lot more along the lines of just… constant dancing. Slipping down to the far wall so he and Baekhyun don’t block the mirrors the team is using, Kyungsoo finds himself watching the team more than reading up on the religious responses and superstitions regarding plague outbreaks.

Used to seeing Yixing as a kind of bubbly smiling gesture-machine, Kyungsoo is a bit surprised to watch him lead the team. Rather than coaxing through maneuvers with elegant sweeps and finger flutters, he’s almost mechanic. It’s like his whole body is alive with power, and rather than just exploding he lets it burst out of him in these controlled snaps and steps.

It’s almost abrasive. Not violent, but more like when he’s dancing, his softer voice hardened in command, it’s just… strong.

Really dramatically strong.

The practice is a lot more of Yixing walking them through the steps, the choreography complex and intricate, the dancers having to move fast and accommodate. They mimic Yixing, and Kyungsoo is a but surprised when Yixing pulls Jongin up front with him, using him to demonstrate as well.

Kyungsoo has always known that Jongin is a good dancer, but he suddenly sees how differently he dances. Unlike Yixing, who is all controlled movement and power within the motion that is emphasized by precision, Jongin is just art. His whole body transforms, moving and flowing and it’s like watching music move.

Once, Kyungsoo would have immediately said that Jongin was the best dancer he knows. Now, he isn’t really sure who the best dancer is, because both he and Yixing are good. Yixing doesn’t look at all gesturing or flamboyant in his gestures now, he looks…

Extremely masculine.

Taking in a fast breath, Kyungsoo shakes his head and shuffles to press further back against the wall. Tucking his knees up so they hold his book up for him to read, Kyungsoo concentrates on the flagellant movement among the radical Christians in Northern Europe. They were people who believed that the plague was a punishment sent down upon them from God, and they would whip themselves to achieve penance. It was largely condemned by the Church, and by far one of the more radical movements, but Kyungsoo has never seen anyone hip thrust like that in his life.

Shaking his head again, Kyungsoo frowns and stares hard as his book. A soft laugh beside him makes him glance to look at Baekhyun, currently sprawled against the wall, and watching the practice lazily.

“You know what I love about dancers?” Baekhyun asks him abruptly, lolling his head to look at Kyungsoo with a sort of vacant expression. “They have the most amazing thighs.”

“Of course you do,” Kyungsoo says, almost sighing at his friend as he glances back to the dancers. Though, now that Baekhyun has pointed it out, Kyungsoo can’t help but notice it. The abundance of thighs, the flashing of skin and muscle as the dancers move. Most of them are girls, dressed in loose shirts and shorts or pants, but the boys are, well, eye catching.

Kyungsoo is used to seeing Jongin dance, his friend often dancing at all possible times, but this is different. This is watching long limbs that usually don’t make explicit sense move and twist and it’s both strong and intense but incredibly graceful. Shifting balance from feet, little subtle gestures and flicks and swings or sways of hips that are kept in control by Yixing.

And Kyungsoo realizes that he’s not watching Yixing and Jongin anymore.

He’s watching Sehun.

At first, it’s surprising, shocking almost how Kyungsoo has just spent the last three repetitions of the section the team is working on staring at the younger man. Then Kyungsoo can’t look away, finding his eyes drawn to Sehun every time he looks up, staring and taking in how he moves.

It’s a little bit jarring, because Kyungsoo isn’t sure if the way Sehun dances is amazing or terrible. In fact, it almost looks like a dramatic combination of the two, so when he moves, handsome face hardened in concentration as his fringe sticks to his forehead it’s mesmerizing. Like a beautiful gymnast hurtling across a parking lot doing cartwheels and backflips.

It’s stunning, but also a little unsettling, but Kyungsoo can’t stop watching.

“He’s good, isn’t he?” mumbles into his ear in Baekhyun’s voice. It’s too warm, fanning and sticking to his ear.

“I feel like I’m watching a car crash,” Kyungsoo says, slightly winded. As soon as the words are out of his mouth, he realizing Baekhyun might not _know_ who Kyungsoo is talking about. “I mean-“

“That’s nice of you,” Baekhyun says with a sort of amused puzzlement. “I hope you tell him that. Yixing is weird, so he’ll probably consider it a compliment.”

“I mean, yeah, he’s really good,” Kyungsoo says, shrinking down a bit and frowning. His book presses against his thighs as he pushes it back, fingers curling around the hardcover and pushing down the jump below his stomach. “I can see why he’s the captain of the team.”

“Who were you talking about?” Baekhyun asks, apparently catching on.

“No one,” Kyungsoo says, turning away and pulling up his book so it blocks out the dancers in front of him. He can hear the music and he wets his lips as he almost wants to peek out and take one more look at what they’re doing. “I have homework to do.”

“Was it Taemin?” Baekhyun asks avidly, poking him in the side. Kyungsoo scowls. “Or Jonggup? Or Ilhoon? Or-“

“Baekhyun, shut up.”

“Was it Sehun?”

Kyungsoo pointedly ignores Baekhyun, picking up his book and holding it over his face to hide from both his friend and the team.

‘You didn’t watch,” Sehun pouts at him as Jongin is pulling him away after practice. His skin has a soft sheen of sweat against it, clothes hanging low and bangs damp.

“Next time,” Kyungsoo says, tugging Jongin to keep walking. Somehow, even though he’d spent most of the practice distracted and watching Sehun, telling him that feels almost wrong. It makes him feel strange, and Kyungsoo doesn’t like it. 

So, he ignores it. He’ll deal with it later.

-

**real man**  
1\. guys with chest hair  
2\. guys who think they are tough  
3\. guys with big feet  
4\. women with big feet  
5 women with mustaches

 

The biggest change when the whole family is home is the noise. With just Minseok and Kyungsoo living in the apartment, it’s relatively quiet. Sure, Kyungsoo likes to sing and practice for his music groups in his room sometimes, and they both tend to put on music occasionally, but they’re most quiet.

When Insung is home, the stereo is on, there are people talking, the television is on for no real reason other than being on, and someone is _always_ laughing.

Now, it’s Hyojin, and she’s laughing at Insung while hitting him with a wooden spoon.

“You jackass,” she says, whacking away delightedly as Insung’s face suggests he clearly objects. “You can’t just say that. Think of his feelings!”

“I did!” Insung says, grabbing the spoon and wrenching it from Hyojin’s hand. He gives her a stern look, almost imposing. She scoffs, arms crossing over her chest as she rolls her eyes. “I did think of his feelings! He loves Kimchi spaghetti.”

Barely home for the weekend, and already Kyungsoo has been unable to keep his smiles away. Insung always managed to bring more life into the apartment, filling up the space with his own size and his bigger personality. He’s always been impressive. Handsome, tall, funny, and responsible, Kyungsoo always feels more at ease when he’s around.

Kyungsoo ends up laughing, which gets a huge satisfied grin from Insung, and a softer smile from Hyojin. Kyungsoo had explained when Insung arrived, sunglasses on his face and in a cool leather jacket that he was planning dinner. Just as Hyojin had stepped into the apartment after Insung, Insung had asked him with a grin if they were going to have yet another kimchi spaghetti dinner.

Which had both set Kyungsoo tongue tied and Hyojin to whacking Insung with various things.

“Jerk,” Hyojin huffs, leaning so her hip rests against the sink.

“What?” Insung asks, shooting her a hurt look before he turns to Kyungsoo. “It’s your specialty, right? It’s always kimchi spaghetti or nothing. Like your best dish, and what we always have. The Kyungsoo meal.”

“We can make something else if you don’t want it though,” Kyungsoo says. True, when he was younger and they all cooked to eat, Kyungsoo kind of relied on kimchi spaghetti. Being ten and not being great with the stove ended in Kyungsoo just relying on one dish because at least he didn’t mess it up. It doesn’t mean they have to have it though. Plus, Kyungsoo knows how to make a lot of different food now. “I know it’s not that great of a meal, and you probably had something else in mind. Especially if Hyojin is here.”

Kyungsoo didn’t know Hyojin was going to be coming back with Insung. It’s not that Kyungsoo minds having her visit, as she’s been a friend that comes by since Insung mostly moved out to his city apartment, and she’s always been so nice to him. It’s just that Kyungsoo thought it was just going to be them this weekend.

“You know I love you cooking, Kyungsoo,” Hyojin says with a sweet smile. She then clicks her tongue at Insung. “Unlike this jerk’s attempt at food.”

“I’m not meant to cook, I’m meant to do other things,” Insung says, leaning back against the sink. “That’s what take away is for.”

“What other things are you meant to do?” Hyojin asks, looking skeptical.

“Manly things,” Insung says and grins suavely at her. Kyungsoo hides a laugh behind his hands as Hyojin sucks her teeth at his cousin in response. “Like carrying the groceries and paying for dinner and watching sports games. I’m great at those things.”

“You’re great at being a leech is what you are,” Hyojin states and fakes a punch at Insung.

“Hey, a lady doesn’t fight,” Insung scolds gently, his voice warm and soft as he catches her hand and holds it gently. “You’re setting a bad model for Kyungsoo.”

“I’m setting a great model,” Hyojin says, tossing her hair over her shoulder. “Kyungsoo, never let anyone give you shit. Punch them.”

“I’ll remember that,” Kyungsoo says, sitting down at the table to watch them. It feels warmer having them here, almost like the house is full. “So what do we want to do for dinner? I was planning on dumplings but if you want kimchi spaghetti-“

“I can just take us out for dinner,” Insung says easily. He smiles, that same warm smile. “My treat, because I keep missing our weekends and I want to. It’ll be fun.” He ruffles Kyungsoo’s hair as he passes him to go drop his weekend duffle in his room, and Kyungsoo feels warmer in his chest. 

Hyojin ends up smiling to Kyungsoo when she lingers, telling him she’s staying in Insung’s room. Insung shoots her a few pointed looks before finally elaborating that he’s being a gentleman and taking the couch. He laughs and pulls Kyungsoo into a half-headlock when Kyungsoo offers that Insung can just take his bed and he’ll take the couch.

“I’m not going to force you out of your bed because I gave up mine. What kind of man would I be if I took your bed after nobly giving up mine?” Insung is laughing, ruffling Kyungsoo’s hair as he tugs him close in a sort of aggressive hug. Insung doesn’t hug much.

None of them do. The guys group in the apartment isn’t super touchy aside from the normal brushes and firm hugs. Insung had established it when they all moved in, Kyungsoo’s aunt and uncle promising to visit but all three boys knew it was mostly empty. They were here to live and have a home and be able to go to school, but they were on their own.

Insung had been the law, establishing bedtime, food schedules, game schedules, and that no one’s door was left open at night. Hugs were not to last and you didn’t cry when you were upset. Insung never cried.

“He’s just doing it so he can have an excuse to complain tomorrow morning and make us all dote on him,” Hyojin calls from where she’s setting up in his room. “Don’t listen to him, Kyungsoo. And keep your bed!”

“I only let her think she can boss me around,” Insung tells Kyungsoo. “I’m really the one in charge.”

“You always are,” Kyungsoo says, still feeling warm. He missed him a lot. Insung has always been the stable and warm and strong support that Kyungsoo went to when he needed something. Insung kept them all together, made sure things were okay, and has been the head of their house.

He’s handsome, competent, popular, and a role model. Kyungsoo doesn’t often go to him for advice, not wanting to bother him or make him worried, but he always knows he can.

His stomach gives a little twist.

“Can I ask you something?” Kyungsoo asks, shifting in his place against Insung’s side. 

“You just did,” Insung says. “C’mon. If you are going to ask something, you just ask it. You know I never mind helping you.” He smiles, and looks down at Kyungsoo with that sort of warm and reassured patience Kyungsoo wishes he had. 

“You’re manly, right?” It doesn’t come out exactly the way Kyungsoo wants it to, sounding more like he’s questioning Insung’s manliness rather than breaching the topic. He bites his lip, not sure how to rephrase it as Insung’s eyes widen slightly.

“Well, I’d like to think so,” Insung says. “I’d like to think all of us are manly-“

“Especially me,” Hyojin calls as she passes on her way to the bathroom.

“Except Hyojin,” Insung finishes a little quieter as Hyojin walks down the hall. “Why?”

“I just-” Kyungsoo bites his lip, trying to figure out how to say this.

“Have people been bullying you?” Insung asks seriously, pulling back to look at him fully. “Have they been-“

“No!” Kyungsoo says quickly, shaking his head. “I just, I’m not sure what it means to be manly exactly. Like what makes one man manlier than another one anymore. I thought I did but, well, I’m just not sure anymore.”

Insung takes a moment or three, thinking, before he answers. “Well, being manly is doing masculine things. Being strong and responsible and resolute. Manly men don’t just unload their emotions, they keep themselves together so that others don’t worry about them. They don’t take shit and they do guy stuff, like sports or- um.” Insung frowns a little before letting out a soft sigh. “I guess being manly is a lot like being in charge of yourself and not being afraid to be in charge of other people around you.“

Kyungsoo nods slowly, trying to absorb that properly and letting it sink into what he already thinks. What he already has going on in the mess of everything else. It fits though, and he feels himself calming more than he has in the last few weeks. It’s like being validated, where his own thoughts and ideas aren’t being questioned. “Okay.”

“Does that help?” Insung asks, and looks a little curious.

“Yeah,” Kyungsoo says, smiling brightly and letting his relief seep into his voice. “Yeah, it helps a lot.”

“Are people saying you’re not manly?” Insung asks him, sounding more protective now than curious.

“You know not many people call me manly,” Kyungsoo reminds him. It makes Insung smile and tug him in for a brief hug.

“Only those of us that know you best know you’re manly, Soo,” Insung tells him, jostling him a little against his side before he releases Kyungsoo to stand on his own. “Chin up, little cousin.”

Kyungsoo’s smile stays the entire evening, even after he’s closed his door to go to bed and cast himself in darkness, he smiles.

Not even the dark is as scary as it once was when he’s got his family together.

-

Saturday was initially planned as a guys night, where Kyungsoo had a selection of movies already picked out for Insung, Minseok, and himself to all watch together as they ate popcorn or nachos. They’d all pile onto the couch in comfortable clothing and just hang out and commentate on the movies for how good or terrible they were.

Saturday was supposed to be their night

Saturday ends up with Kyungsoo opening the door to the apartment to a confused looking Sehun in a beanie and his weekend clothing (a cozy sweater and nice jeans). Insung had apparently made plans with Hyojin to go and do something, and Minseok apparently has a date.

Kyungsoo didn’t even know he was interested in anyone. Which left him alone in the apartment and feeling rather forgotten. For a moment before he left, Insung had paused, asking Kyungsoo if it was okay.

Kyungsoo had pushed down his own want to say ‘no, I wanted to spend time with you’ and smiled. “It’s fine,” he’d told his eldest cousin. “I had a friend coming over for movies anyway.”

Seeing Sehun at the door brings a relief to Kyungsoo’s wired nerves. He’d been unable to sit still, now used to the noise from last night when Insung got home and they’d all stayed up playing games, he misses it. Sehun has the face on that says he’s purposefully trying to look aloof and uncaring, but Kyungsoo can see the bag of snacks and some videos he brought.

“You know,” Sehun says, sweeping into the apartment like he owns it himself. “I could have been busy you know. Not all of us can just cancel our plans and then change our minds at the last second because it works better for us.”

“I was going to thank you for coming over,” Kyungsoo tells him, and Sehun looks up with wider eyes. “But now because of that I’m not going to.

“You owe me,” Sehun tells him and points at him in emphasis. “You owe me so much.”

“I’m letting you into my house, that’s payment enough,” Kyungsoo tells him, and shuts the door, walking in and pushing Sehun towards the living room. A smile keeps trying to tug over his lips, and finally he lets it when Sehun ends up leaning into him, his arm draping around his shoulders. “Thank you.”

“I only did it because I’m a good person,” Sehun informs him, flopping onto the couch and sprawling. He leaves no room for Kyungsoo. “And because I like you so much. There’s also that, but mostly it’s because I’m a good person.”

“You didn’t have anything else to do tonight,” Kyungsoo says, and leaves Sehun to monopolize the couch as he puts in a movie.

“Sure I did,” Sehun says, sounding affronted. “I had people blowing up my phone because they wanted to hang out with me. Zitao practically proposed to me.”

“Well, then I’m glad you deigned to spend time with me,” Kyungsoo retorts, feeling slightly cross. He isn’t sure the cause of it, aside from Sehun’s teasing, so he just shoves Sehun’s legs out of the way to make room for himself.

They end up mostly sprawled together, Sehun reorienting himself about six times until he’s facing the complete opposite direction he started in. With his head resting in Kyungsoo’s lap and his hand in perfect position to access the bowl of chips at Kyungsoo’s side, Sehun finally quiets. Kyungsoo ends up getting lost in the movies they’re watching, his fingers running absently through Sehun’s hair as Sehun’s occasional commentary rumbles against his legs.

It’s comfortable, and Kyungsoo lets himself just relax, smiling through the movie even though he’s not seen it before. Sehun doesn’t mind the more action heavy movies, the ones that Kyungsoo likes and the ones that others seem bored by. Sehun just goes with it, sometimes prodding or poking or teasing or prompting Kyungsoo for conversation.

They’re watching a variety of new movies tonight, a few futuristic dystopias and a few with aliens. Kyungsoo almost put in his favorite, but he and Sehun have watched it so many times together and he knows Sehun will start quoting it within the first fifteen minutes.

“Why did you call me?” Sehun asks, when the first movie is just ending, the final scene satisfactory but Kyungsoo feeling the plot was slightly lacking.

About to push off of the couch, Kyungsoo pauses, looking down at Sehun. Sehun looks up at him, head pillowed in Kyungsoo’s lap with his hair pushed back from his face from Kyungsoo’s fingers running through it. He looks somehow both incredibly young and strikingly handsome.

Sometimes, Kyungsoo forgets how handsome Sehun is. Often times, Sehun is cute, silly or teasing, going between being sweet and acting cool and striving for maturity. Sehun is just… Sehun.

“What do you mean?” Kyungsoo asks, looking down at him with a confused frown. Sehun looks almost nervous, looking up at him and wetting his lips, pink tongue poking out. There’s a small frown line between his eyebrows, and his foot at the end of the couch is bouncing.

“I mean,” Sehun says, and wets his pink lips again. “You could have called anyone. Like Baekhyun or Jongdae or Chanyeol.” He pauses as Kyungsoo looks down at him. “Or Yixing. You seem to be spending a lot of time with him.”

“But we already were going to do movies together,” Kyungsoo points out, even as the mention of Yixing makes him still.

“But that doesn’t mean you had to call me,” Sehun says, shifting a bit so his head presses further into Kyungsoo’s lap.

“Did you not want-“

“No!” Sehun bites his lip again, and shifts, tucking his head a bit so he can stare at his hands, resting over his stomach. “No, I wanted to. I like watching movies with you. You don’t get scared or scream or laugh too loudly and it’s just- it’s nice, you know? Even if we don’t watch my favorites.”

“That’s because all your favorites are romantic movies,” Kyungsoo points out, relaxing back into the couch. “Are you just annoyed we’re not watching a sappy movie?”

“They’re not sappy, they’re romantic.”

“You still cry at them,” Kyungsoo points out.

“That’s because I don’t feel the need to hide what I feel from people,” Sehun huffs, looking up at him. Then he smiles. “It’d be fun. I can sit and discuss through the action movies and then you can sit with me through my romantic stories. It’ll be like bonding.”

“We already bond,” Kyungsoo says, trying not to laugh at how Sehun makes it sound. “I spend more time with you than my own cousin. And I live with Minseok.”

“See? I’m basically family,” Sehun tells him, wiggling a bit more into Kyungsoo’s lap. “I should just move in with you and you can feed me.”

“Always thinking with your stomach,” Kyungsoo sighs, and pokes Sehun’s tummy. Sehun scrunches up slightly, and his smile spreads sudden and wide and genuine.

“Does that make me, at least by your weird wonky standards, manly?” Sehun asks. Even though Sehun is smiling and the note in his voice is teasing, Kyungsoo feels slightly startled. Sehun seems to realize it as well, and his smile breaks. “Or am I in a weird category of yours like Yixing is where you can’t determine anything.”

“Why would you be in the same category as Yixing?” Kyungsoo asks, confused.

“Well, aren’t you friends with both of us?” Sehun prompts.

“Yeah, but you’re not trying to date me.” Kyungsoo lets out a soft laugh, poking Sehun in the tummy again. “Plus, you’re you and he’s…”

“Not manly enough for your standards,” Sehun prompts.

“Well, he’s…” Kyungsoo has no idea what Yixing is. Yixing likes purple and dancing and flowers and smelling nice and he also works out and listens to hip hop and has broad shoulders. Yixing is a lot of things and Kyungsoo doesn’t really know what to think about him anymore. “He’s just not my-“

“Don’t say it,” Sehun says almost disappointedly.

“Well, what do you want me to say?” Kyungsoo asks, frowning. The movie is over, and Kyungsoo’s sense of comfort and ease is fading a bit. “That he’s manly and _is_ my type?”

“No,” Sehun says quietly, and sinks back into Kyungsoo’s lap, looking almost guilty.

“Then what am I supposed to say?” Kyungsoo asks him. Yixing, by all of Kyungsoo’s logic, isn’t anything. He’s not manly, but he is manly, but if he’s manlier or enough of what Kyungsoo wants, he still doesn’t know because Yixing still spent half of lunch this week imitating cute animals. And it _was_ cute. “Someone can’t be cute and manly at the same time.”

Suddenly, Sehun is out of Kyungsoo’s lap. “Why not?” he asks, and his voice cuts. “Why can’t someone be more than two things at once? You’re two things at once. A lot of people have a lot of parts to them. Like Jongin is really handsome but really shy-“

“But that’s not the same as what I’m talking about,” Kyungsoo cuts him off, annoyed. “It’s not the same as someone being shy or their attitudes.”

“Isn’t it?” Sehun throws back. “Because I’m tall and have the looks that I do I must be really stoic and intrepid. But am I? “

“You’re different,” Kyungsoo says, frustrated.

“ _Why_ am I difference?” Sehun pushes, and it’s turning angry. “Is it because you’re different because you’re small and yet you have this whole thing about how you’re not cute? Even if you are? How you push how you’re manly and have this idea about what is specifically manly when really, you don’t even know.”

“I _do_ know!” Kyungsoo fires back. “Manly is being masculine and strong and doing things that men do.”

“Men do a lot of things, Kyungsoo,” Sehun says, almost like he’s not sure he can stand talking about this. “Men have feelings too, and that doesn’t make us unmanly. It doesn’t make us less masculine. It just makes us people and you _can’t_ just fit people into these little boxes just so they make sense to you. Yixing doesn’t fit into a box, and Chanyeol and Baekhyun don’t fit into a box. You don’t fit into a box and _I_ don’t fit into a box!”

“I never said you did!” Kyungsoo’s head is spinning, his heart beating too fast and he feels less angry than just upset. Upset and head spinning and shocked because just moments before, everything was fine.

“But you _do_ ,” Sehun says and his voice cracks. “You put all these labels on people and hold them up to what you believe and you’re not even seeing the main thing!”

“What _is_ the main thing?” Kyungsoo almost yells, his voice rising because _that’s_ what he wants to know and every time he tries to figure it out, it slips away from him.

“You’re not happy!” Sehun almost yells, and then snaps his mouth closed. He pauses, breathing heavily as Kyungsoo stares at him. It feels like Sehun just hit him, hard, knocking the wind out of him. “It doesn’t make you happy.” Sehun looks away, then pushes up and stands, moving from the couch.

“Sehun,” Kyungsoo says, not sure if he’s going to yell at him or wants to-

“I’m not making you happy now either,” Sehun says, and turns away, his hand rising quickly to his face. Kyungsoo realizes he’s crying.

Manly men don’t cry. 

Immediately, Kyungsoo gets clashing guilt and irritation in himself. It’s confusing and exhausting and too many other things and he just wants to yell in frustration. Or cry.

Manly men _don’t_ cry.

“Why do you care so much about this?” Kyungsoo asks, his voice shaking as he watches Sehun get up and walk from the living room. Away.

“It’s not this,” Sehun says. “It’s not just one thing, Kyungsoo. It’s never just one thing. It’s never just that simple. Just like you’re not that simple, and neither is anyone else.”

He doesn’t slam the door, just leaves quietly with his things. Kyungsoo sits, curled up on the couch and watching the credits of the movie they had watched rolling, feeling rattled, shocked, and upset.

Upset in a way he doesn’t understand, and rather than pushing it down, he sits and waits until Insung and Hyojin are walking through the door, and thinks about it.

For reasons he can’t explain, it helps. By the time he goes to sleep, Kyungsoo realizes that he’s upset not because of what Sehun said, but because Sehun was so concerned and cared enough that just seeing Kyungsoo struggle was-

It was hurting him.

Or something.

Rolling over in his bed and pulling a stuffed animal towards himself, Kyungsoo resolves he’ll figure it out later. Tomorrow. When he can think clearly and his heart isn’t feeling different than it usually feels.

-

**flamboyant**  
florid (writing speech) usually in a freestyle.  
brillantly colorful  
 _“Big L was the best flamboyant rapper”_

 

History is the tool used by all humans to learn from the past and apply the mistakes made in the past to the present day. It’s looking at all the stupid shit done by people that were dead before you were born and realizing that it obviously didn’t work, so don’t do it. People learned that by drilling holes in the skull, people were not cured from mental illness, and that burning people accused of doing magic didn’t actually stop a disease.

Most often, personal history is used in the same way. When Kyungsoo was very young, he made the not so wise decision to put his hand on the stove in curiosity, wondering if it was still hot. It was. Kyungsoo learned _not_ to touch the stove again after it was cooking things because having burned fingers was really terrible and hurt a lot.

When Kyungsoo was a little older, he learned how to dress and act when people died. How to say thank you and not cry because then people get more worried about him than they already were since his parents died. Kyungsoo learned how to do his own laundry when his aunt and uncle weren’t around to do it for him because they were in other countries. He learned that putting too much soap into the machine is a _bad_ idea and he learned he loved lavender detergent the most.

Kyungsoo likes history, because it’s full of information about life and things he knows to do or not to do and goes beyond just himself. He likes history, and tries to listen to it, even if sometimes it’s hard.

Which is why, when Yixing asks him what he’s doing that weekend, Kyungsoo decides to say he’s free. Insung had left on Sunday night, and Kyungsoo knows he won’t be back the following weekend. Someone had once told Kyungsoo that it’s a good idea to give other people chances.

For example, the priest in the 14th century who discovered that making a fire ring around himself wasn’t given a chance by a lot of people. As a result, a lot of people died because they elected to sleep with their animals, and thus rats, and got bubonic plague.

All because they didn’t want to sleep in a ring of fire.

Kyungsoo says yes, thinking he’ll give Yixing a chance, because so far Yixing has done nothing but surprise him and make him think. Maybe Kyungsoo will realize he was wrong, and maybe something will change, and he’ll realize he likes Yixing and that Yixing is manlier than him.

Maybe Kyungsoo will suddenly understand that _he_ wants to be the manlier one and has been projecting himself onto others.

Though Kyungsoo doubts that, considering he’d rather only have to take care of himself and not another person. Too much work.

“What are we going to do?” Kyungsoo asks on Saturday. Usually on Saturdays, he’d meet with Baekhyun or Jongdae to hang out. Or spend a bit of time with Sehun or Jongin. Today is another sports game, away from the school, so Minseok isn’t around either, and Kyungsoo almost feels nervous meeting up on a date thing with Yixing.

It’s been a long time since he’d been on a date thing with anyone and actually acknowledged that it _was_ a date thing. Dating has never really been something he got into, too much work and too much to think about and worry about. Kyungsoo prefers hanging out and just already being in the swing of a relationship.

No hassle. No drama. No pounding heart.

“Well, I have a few ideas,” Yixing says. He’s wearing a light jacket, normal clothing that Kyungsoo is used to seeing, though he has purple sneakers. He looks pretty simply dressed for a date. Kyungsoo had spent a bit this morning trying to figure out what to wear before just giving up and wearing black. Everyone looks good in black. Kyungsoo likes black.

It’s simple and doesn’t lie to him. Pink has too many different versions, and is too complicated for him to really feel comfortable with, always feeling like he’s missing something.

“Like what?”

“Well.” Yixing slips his hands into his pockets. “I was thinking we could catch a movie, or there’s that new music store that opened with an open rotating mic, and there is usually hiking or other stuff.”

“What kind of movie would we go see?” Kyungsoo asks, not entirely keen on the hiking suggested.

“Well, what do you like?” Yixing asks. He starts walking, Kyungsoo notices, not in the direction of the theater. “Do you prefer romance or comedy or action or drama? You don’t really strike me as a huge movie person.”

“I love movies, actually,” Kyungsoo says, surprised. “I watch them a lot. Usually at home or in the theaters. I usually go alone though, because most people are annoying.”

“That’s pretty cool, actually,” Yixing says, smiling. “Not many people are comfortable with going alone. They feel like they have to go with someone, like a date or a friend, or they look strange. It’s pretty awesome you go alone.”

No one has ever told Kyungsoo that before, and he realizes he’s smiling, feeling warm at the compliment. He’s almost proud of himself, though he’d never thought about it before.

Maybe it is kind of cool.

“We don’t have to go today then,” Yixing says. “There was just a few movies at the local theater from the film festivals that are showing and I thought we could check them out.”

There is a theater downtown, mostly a restored project, that shows a lot of independent films and productions. Kyungsoo has heard about it, but never been himself aside from the annual film festival. Usually Chanyeol and Baekhyun drag him and Jongdae to it, insisting on culturing them.

“What is showing?”

“A documentary on Beatrix Potter, I think a film about Margaret Thatcher, and a kind of comedy about a boot company for drag queens.” Yixing smiles at him, stepping a bit closer and draping his arm around Kyungsoo’s shoulders. He matches Kyungsoo’s pace. “Any of those appeal to you?”

“Not specifically,” Kyungsoo says. “Not really the kinds of movies I usually go for.” At Yixing’s inquisitive gaze, Kyungsoo says, “I like action movies mostly.”

“Huh,” Yixing says, and levels Kyungsoo with a sort of evaluating look.

“I don’t really get romance movies,” Kyungsoo says quickly before Yixing can do what a lot of people do and wonder why Kyungsoo doesn’t like romance movies when it’s what he’s supposed to-

“Me neither, actually,” Yixing says, and laughs a bit. “Honestly, I like the documentary films a lot more, because they’re interesting. I don’t really do movies that much. I get bored with them and tend to fall asleep if it’s not something I’m interested in. Action films or documentaries tend to keep me awake though.”

“Not horror movies?” Kyungsoo prompts. If he wants a movie to keep him awake, he’ll choose something horror or thriller. There aren’t that many that will watch them with him though, so he tends to be alone, and that makes them a bit harder to get through.

“I don’t actually get scared by horror movies,” Yixing says. “I know that probably sounds stupid or fearless like ‘ha! Nothing scares me!’ but really, it’s just a movie. It’s all just a big show to try to freak you out. I don’t really care about them.”

“So you’re not afraid of anything,” Kyungsoo goads, smiling a bit as Yixing continues to walk down the street. They’re walking towards the theater, but Kyungsoo almost hopes they don’t go. He likes movies, but he also likes talking to Yixing.

“Of course I'm afraid of stuff,” Yixing says. “I hate bees. Seriously, I hate them. They’re terrifying and I used to be afraid of the doorknobs in my mom’s old house. Apparently, when I was young I used to talk to them because I was lonely and somehow convinced myself they could talk back.”

“That’s…” Kyungsoo stares at him, Yixing’s smile wide and natural. “Really weird.”

“I’m not afraid of them anymore,” Yixing continues. “Honestly, I think the whole structure of being fearless making you strong is really stupid. It’s like saying ‘ignore one of your basic animal functions so you look cool’. It’s the same with how people view grief, or most emotion. Like it’s a weakness.”

“Isn’t it though?” Kyungsoo asks, frowning. “Like, it’s better not to show fear in the face of danger.”

“I don’t know what kind of danger you’ve been faced with,” Yixing muses. “But I gotta tell you. If there’s a flood rushing at me, I’m gonna trust my own fear and run as far and fast as I can. I’m not going to stare down a massive body of water and tell it I’m not afraid of it. It’s like putting my hand on a hot stove. I’m going to take my hand off, because it hurts. Standing there and trying to prove how strong I am by burning my hand on a hot stove just to show off isn’t strong or brave or powerful. It’s stupid.”

Kyungsoo finds himself nodding, because, really, Yixing is making a lot of sense. That is, more or less, how Kyungsoo feels about these things as well. “Makes sense.”

“It’s the same sort of thing with how we get this idea of what is brave or strong or whatever,” Yixing comments. “Like, if I’m brave, I’m going to tell you how I feel. I guess what bothers me about romantic movies is that they glorify this happy ending, and it’s all somehow the same story and it’s all never really about something that I can relate to. It’s all just boring.”

“That’s why I like action movies,” Kyungsoo says, smiling. He’s always had a harder time with the romantic films. The love stories that don't really add up. Just being too invested in their emotions that he doesn’t connect with or understand and it always ends up frustrating him. “I like watching heroes.”

“Really?” Yixing almost sounds surprised. “I just think they’re funny. Not really heroic at all, honestly.” Kyungsoo stares at him, almost frowning. “Well, most of them at least. Some of them are great heroes.”

“Like Kirk,” Kyungsoo suggests. “Captain of the Enterprise.”

“Oh yeah,” Yixing says, laughing and it almost seeps into Kyungsoo from beside him. “Kirk. The hot shot captain of the Enterprise who blew his way to the top by hitting on women and acing the tests by the skin of his teeth and picking fights and doing what he wanted because, hey, he got away with it.”

“But he’s really brave,” Kyungsoo argues.

“I’m not saying he isn’t,” Yixing answers. “But if you’re going by how Kirk and Spock are iconic heroes, then you ride right up against what is iconic in our world and what the reality is.”

“Meaning?” Kyungsoo asks, wondering what exactly Yixing is getting at.

“Well, think about the idea of manly that most of our society looks at. Stoic, strong, brash, stubborn, courageous, completely emotionally incompetent,” Yixing lists, holding up a finger as he lists them all. “Kirk isn’t a bad guy, but if you look at the heroic model he presents with his logical reasoning scientific emotionally vacant best friend Spock, then you’ve got the weird idea of manly that our society seems to measure all men up against.”

“Manly,” Kyungsoo answers.

“Right,” Yixing says. “And you seem to kind of be in on it. So, let’s take a moment, go in and grab a coffee, and see what music is playing today.”

Just like that, Kyungsoo realizes they were never walking to the movie theater, but instead toward the café that Yixing had mentioned with the music. It’s nicer this way, honestly. With a movie, Kyungsoo and Yixing aren’t talking, and Kyungsoo isn’t really up for movies at the moment.

Especially since the last time he watched a movie with someone, Sehun had ended up crying and walking out on him and left Kyungsoo feeling… not okay.

“What do you want?” Yixing asks, standing in the line with Kyungsoo and smiling kindly. 

“Hot chocolate,” Kyungsoo decides.

“Not black coffee?” Yixing says, sounding surprised. Blinking at him, it takes a moment before Kyungsoo registers that Yixing is teasing him, his eyes dancing.

“No,” Kyungsoo says. He looks back up at the menu, scanning over the options and thinking about what he really wants. He usually gets hot chocolate, because Jongin and Sehun and Baekhyun always get hot chocolate. Coffee is what Jongdae and Minseok get and Chanyeol gets tea. “Actually, can I have the peppermint mocha?”

“Whipped cream?” Yixing asks, and the way his mouth curves up and his eyes glint makes Kyungsoo wonder if he’s being innocent or not.

“No thanks,” Kyungsoo says, biting his lip. 

Yixing ends up buying them some small cookies, rambling as they find a place to sit about how he used to try to bake, but never got the hang of it. He still tries sometimes, but mostly just likes to decorate cakes rather than try to make them taste good. He talks about it like it’s a science, like it’s not only for the sake of making food, but also watching the combinations of food together, what it creates. A sort of combination of science and art that doesn’t fit in either spectrum neatly but instead builds off of both of them.

“You sound like an inventor,” Kyungsoo muses, watching as Yixing sits back in his chair. It’s comfortable here, Yixing sprawling in the arch chair opposite him, holding his chai latte in his hands.

“I guess I am,” Yixing says. “I like to make things. Music, food, choreography. Inventors are just creators of things, not necessarily physical. Just like philosophers are creators of ideas. We’re all kind of like that, and we all create our own ideas and worlds to live in, just as we create our own happiness or misery.”

“Not always,” Kyungsoo says, holding his warm drink in his hands. He’s taken off the scarf he’d been wearing earlier, and the drink pleasant to hold. “Like, in a tragedy, no one chooses to be miserable. Think of Hamlet.”

“Usually anyone in a tragedy makes it a tragedy because of something they did that wasn’t smart. Really, any tragedy can be a comedy, it’s just the endings are different because of how the characters behaved. Hamlet was an idiot, and did some really stupid stuff, and it ended a tragedy,” Yixing says, and laughs as Kyungsoo almost spills his drink in shock. “No, seriously. You have one guy, who because of his ideas, ends up getting a boatload of people into shit and messes everything up.”

“But he’s a tragic hero,” Kyungsoo points out.

“Of Shakespeare?” Yixing asks, then pauses. He hums, sitting back in his chair. “Why is he a hero though? What makes him more of a hero than, say, Horatio?”

“Well, he’s the main character for one” Kyungsoo says, frowning as he thinks. He puts down his drink, sitting back to put his thoughts in order. “He’s not exactly the perfect man, but he’s definitely got depth. He’s brave, he goes up against his uncle, now the king, and defies him. He fights for what he thinks is right, for what the country thinks is right, and he is cunning, tricking the king and the court and those who are trying to kill him. He dies fighting, and doesn’t let himself succumb to madness. Yeah, he dies, but it’s not like he didn’t try to live for what he believed in.”

“And you think that’s what makes a great man, a man who goes down with his fight,” Yixing hums. For a brief moment, Kyungsoo thinks he’s being judged. Then, as he studies Yixing’s face, he realizes he isn’t. Yixing is listening to him, really listening, and he’s not telling Kyungsoo he’s wrong. “What about Ophelia?”

“Well, Hamlet was a bit preoccupied to deal with his romance,” Kyungsoo says, feeling lame with his reply. “It wasn’t his fault she went insane.”

“She was upset,” Yixing says. “Her father was killed by the man she was in love with, supposed to marry, and all for his own purpose that she was never included with. Hamlet is almost abusive towards her, because of his own ideas of love and sex.”

“But that’s not his fault,” Kyungsoo says.

“I’m not saying it makes him a bad person,” Yixing says easily. “Just that it hurts the people who love him, who try to be with him because he refuses to change his thoughts and let himself be open with them. Did you ever consider that being stoic, unfeeling, and unemotional may actually hurt others?”

Honestly, Kyungsoo hadn’t. “Who do you think is a proper hero then?” Kyungsoo asks. Then, because somehow he feels pushed to do so, and he trusts Yixing to answer him, he adds, “a Shakespeare manly man.”

“Romeo,” Yixing says instantly.

“Romeo?” Kyungsoo sits in shock. “But he’s-“

“The ultimate tragic love figure aside his beloved Juliet.” Yixing is smiling. “Romeo isn’t really a role model, but he does show the qualities that I think display what it really means to be a man, at least how I think he should be.”

“But he’s so fickle,” Kyungsoo says, frowning. They did Romeo and Juliet in their literature class the year before, and Kyungsoo remembers how Romeo seemed to so quickly bounce from Rosaline to Juliet.

“I wouldn’t say fickle, but passionate,” Yixing muses. “Romeo, just like Hamlet, does what he believes in, but rather than doing it because his father awakened him to treachery, he does it because it’s what he believes is right. Romeo was brave, both he and Juliet. Their families had been at war for ages, and yet he decides that he’s going to break from that because he’s found something that makes him truly happy. He loves Juliet, and doesn’t question himself, just allows himself to feel and celebrate her and himself.”

“But that emotion gets him killed,” Kyungsoo points out.

“No, poison gets him killed.” Yixing places his drink down as well. “Romeo is extreme, which is the part about him that isn’t really that admirable, but it’s the intent behind it that makes him strong. He’s brave, standing up to his family and those who oppose him. The people who tell him he’s wrong or sick or stupid for falling in love with the person he does.”

Yixing’s voice goes a bit soft, and suddenly Kyungsoo feels like there’s something more talked about. He thinks about how the school reacts to them. To himself and Yixing and Baekhyun and Sehun. How he, himself, saw Yixing and his gestures and his mannerisms that weren’t reserved and held back, knew he was on the dance team, and how he was gay.

Then he thinks, watching Yixing speak, the softer smile on his lips, about how while Kyungsoo never really thought about it, his friends never bothered by him and what he liked. He thinks of how Sehun sometimes talks about how his brother teases him, and thinks about Yixing being everything he is, vibrant and energetic and throwing himself into the things he loves.

Yixing is kind of like Romeo.

“Romeo is loyal to the people he cares about, his family, and he will defend and show honor and courage as well as himself,” Yixing muses after a pause. “He’s not ashamed to be in love with Juliet, or to be brought to tears when he’s mourning the death of his friend. He defies the rules of his family that tell him his love is forbidden, and he’s a romantic masculine hero.”

“And you want a Romeo?” Kyungsoo tentatively asks. Kyungsoo isn’t a romantic, and he doesn’t really understand it. “You think Romeo is a hero, the manly man, but you don’t like romance movies.”

“You’re the one who wants to date Hamlet,” Yixing says with a laugh and reaches over, his hand clapping Kyungsoo’s shoulder. “Right?”

“I’m-“ Kyungsoo pauses, chewing his lip. “I’m not sure.” Yixing isn’t really a Romeo. He doesn’t exactly court Kyungsoo romantically, he just is there, stable and kind and supportive. He’s fun to spend time with, and Kyungsoo finds he doesn’t feel taxed by this, by them together. It’s the nicest date he’s ever really been on.

“Well, just in case you were worried, you’re definitely not a Juliet,” Yixing says, and his hand slips down to squeeze Kungsoo’s arm. “I don’t think you’d ever wax poetic about a guy you love from a balcony.”

“That’s never really been my thing,” Kyungsoo admits, and Yixing laughs gently. He likes Yixing. It’s a little strange how he realizes it, but he does. He likes him as a person, and he finds that he’s glad he took the chance today to spend time with him. Yixing is comfortable and fun and interesting. Kyungsoo likes him.

“I also don’t see you falling in love with a true Romeo,” Yixing comments. “But I hope you find someone who loves you like Romeo loved Juliet, who can make you that happy.”

It makes something flutter in Kyungsoo’s stomach, and he smiles even as he feels a little too light. He smiles at Yixing, not pulling away when Yixing squeezes his arm again, and thinks of how he feels. He’s happy, comfortable, and content. Secure and at ease, but there’s not a spark.

There’s nothing that pulls him, that draws him out or makes his heart pound or do anything than just beat normally in his chest. For once though, he feels okay, like he can smile and laugh or get sad about rainy days and it’s not going to be something he has to hide.

“Thank you,” Kyungsoo says sincerely, and lets his hand close over Yixing’s. “I hope you find someone like that too.”

Yixing smiles brilliantly, his eyes dancing as his whole being seems to light up. “I think I already have,” he says and then laughs, ringing and wonderful.

And Kyungsoo’s heart plummets, because even if he likes Yixing, and has at least come to terms with that, he’s also realized he’s completely, absolutely, not attracted to him. At all.

-

It’s rare that Kyungsoo gets up earlier on a school day unless it’s for vocal warm up for Chamber Singers. It’s rare that Kyungsoo has a full breakfast for himself and Minseok, and packs more than food for just himself for lunch that day.

It’s very rare, almost never, that Kyungsoo ever thinks about sharing his lunch. It’s his food, and he’s proud but protective of it. He’s not here to feed his friends, and he doesn’t want his friendships to be based off what he gives them to put in their stomachs.

Today though, Kyungsoo has a reason for packing more than for only himself. He has a reason for getting to lunch early instead of staying later after chorale to talk to Ryeowook. He has a reason for shoving Baekhyun out of the booth when his friend tries to sit in the space beside him. “It’s saved,” Kyungsoo tells him, and Baekhyun looks shocked.

“Who are you saving a seat for if it isn’t me?” Baekhyun asks, sounding almost hurt. “Kyungsoo who has replaced me in your cold heart?”

“I don’t have a cold heart, I just don’t want you to sit with me today,” Kyungsoo tells him, fingers gripping the top of his lunch box tighter. He’s a little nervous, trying to push down the bubble in his chest that he isn’t sure is there. It’s been there since before school, when he went to the usual hang out space by the lockers to see if he could talk then.

But it’s managed to get all the way to lunch, and Kyungsoo still hasn’t seen him, and he really needs to talk to him. To say… stuff.

“You’re missing out,” Baekhyun says. “I’m always the better choice.” Kyungsoo chooses to ignore him, Baekhyun’s attention taken a moment later as Jongdae arrives and shoves him out of the way. “Everyone’s being so pushy today.”

“It’s how we show you our love, Baekhyun,” Jongdae says.

“Rude,” Baekhyun accuses, leaning against the booth seat instead of slipping in to sit with them. “All of you. Rude, terrible people.”

Kyungsoo almost opens his mouth to tell Baekhyun he’s the worst of them all, when the person that’s been on his mind all morning walks into view. He stiffens, fingers tightening on his lunch box. “Don't sit there!” he says hastily as Sehun tries to slip into the booth opposite him, beside Jongdae.

Sehun looks up, blinking in obvious surprise before he looks down at the seat. “Did someone put glue on here?” Sehun asks, and looks almost hesitant to even touch the seat.”

“No,” Kyugnsoo says, and Jongdae stares at him like he’s never seen him before. “I just, I wanted you to sit with me today.”

Sehun blinks. “I sit with you every day,” Sehun answers. “We all sit together.”

“No, I mean sit with me with me,” Kyungsoo clarifies.

“Because he likes you likes you,” Baekhyun drawls and Kyungsoo glares at him as his cheeks heat. With irritation.

Despite hesitancy, Sehun slips into the seat beside him, pushing too close a moment later when Chanyeol arrives and takes the seat on the other side. Sehun flashes him an apologetic look, his thigh pressed flush against Kyungsoo’s under the table. “Sorry, you-“

“It’s fine,” Kyungsoo says, and then shifts. “Hold on,” he adds and shoves Sehun’s arm up. As Sehun watches him in amusement that is laced with shock, Kyungsoo shifts until Sehun has properly loped his arm around Kyungsoo’s shoulders, fitting his smaller self into Sehun’s side. “There, more room now.”

Sehun’s arm is warm at Kyungsoo’s back, and he finds himself smiling a little bit at the feeling. It’s comforting, natural, and just how they are. He barely notices as Sehun’s fingers begin to tap gently at his shoulder and arm, gently brushing his skin.

“What’s up?” Sehun asks after everyone has arrived. Today, Yixing is squished in beside Baekhyun, laughing at something Baekhyun is telling him about, and Kyungsoo is almost too nervous to open his lunch. “Are you okay?”

“No,” Kyungsoo tells him honestly, keeping his voice low. He lets out a quick breath when he sees Sehun’s eyes widen in shock. “I mean, I’m not sick or anything, I just wanted to talk to you.”

“Can I get lunch first or-“

“I brought you lunch,” Kyungsoo tells him quickly. At the suddenly opened mouth and shocked expression on Sehun’s face, Kyungsoo opens his lunchbox, filled with enough food for both of them. He packed extra vegetables (because Sehun never eats enough), and some chocolate (because Sehun loves it). “You don’t have to buy today, so just-“

“You made me _lunch?_ ” Sehun asks him, and his voice is almost too loud.

Kyungsoo takes in a deep breath. “I wanted to apologize,” Kyungsoo explains, keeping his voice down. He doesn’t want the others hearing him specifically, and so he leans into Sehun, closer to keep his voice down but so Sehun can still hear him. “For the other day, and for a lot of stuff. Because, um, you were only trying to help and support me.” Sehun’s eyes are wide, his breath held from puffing against Kyungsoo’s face. He has a zit near his nose. “I wasn’t really that nice to you, and I keep dumping on you with all my stuff and –“

“Kyungsoo, I’m your friend, you’re allowed to dump on me,” Sehun says quickly. “Though, I do kind of appreciate it.”

“Still,” Kyungsoo says emphatically. “I made you upset, and I don’t like hurting you, so I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to make you cry. And I’m sorry I didn’t listen to you.”

Something flickers in Sehun’s eyes. “You worked some stuff out then?” Sehun asks him, shifting closer and keeping quiet. He looks almost sad or confused, perplexedly intense. “With what you feel?”

“Yeah,” Kyungsoo says, and feels a rush of relief. He smiles, letting himself lean a bit more into Sehun. He lets one of his hands come to rest on Sehun’s knee, squeezing to tell him he means it. “So thanks.”

“You’re welcome,” Sehun says, and when he smiles, it’s almost pure in warmth and kindness. Kyungsoo’s heart bumps a bit in his chest, feeling happier than he has in a while. Sehun has always had such a wonderful smile. Then Sehun is wetting his lips, glancing at the lunch box. “You really made me lunch?”

“Yeah,” Kyungsoo says, and pulls out the food he prepared for them both. “Do you want it?”

“Of course!” Sehun almost jeers, and practically beams. “It’s an honor.” Kyungsoo smiles, wide and happy as he watches Sehun exclaim and boast, holding up some of the food and slapping away Baekhyun and Jongin’s grabbing hands, hording over his precious lunch. “It’s made with love, and mine. Paws off!”

Kyungsoo spends lunch quietly munching through his lunch, leaned into Sehun and listening to him laugh. On his other side, Seulgi is having an avid argument with Jongin, and Kyungsoo is happy. Across from him, Jongdae and Baekhyun are arguing with Yixing and Chanyeol about healthy diets, and Kyungsoo is happy. Sehun keeps laughing, carefully going through his lunch as if savoring all of it, and Kyungsoo is happy, relieved that things are okay.

“So,” Sehun asks as lunch nears an end and they pull out of the benches. “Are you dating him now then?” He looks almost hesitant, like he doesn't really want to know the answer.

The question catches Kyungsoo completely off guard. “What?” he asks, looking up at Sehun in shock.

“Yixing,” Sehun says, and shifts his weight. “Are you dating him now?”

Blinking in confusion, Kyungsoo lets his eyes drift to where Yixing is still laughing at something Baekhyun is teasing Jongdae about. “No,” he answers, still bewildered. “No, I’m not.”

“Oh,” Sehun says, and then the smile he gives Kyungsoo isn’t nearly as bright as it had been before, like he’s only half happy. Like he feels guilty about it, about showing Kyungsoo anything more. “Okay.”

Sehun just walks away, without explaining the question, and Kyungsoo is late for his afternoon choir class because he’s stood too long trying to figure out why he feels so confused. Why Sehun’s conflicted face pushed his happiness into worry and why he can’t get his expression out of his head.

✏


	3. Third Period: Countdown to Lunch

**Label**  
Something you put on jars. Not on people  
 _"That has Label says the Jar has apples in it."_

 

“I hate exams,” whines into Kyungsoo’s shoulder. The next moment, long thin arms wrap around his waist as that whimpering face presses deeper into his shoulder, burrowing as the body next to him attempts to wrap itself around him. “Make exams go away. Make all my tests explode and cower under your glare and talk about the Black Death.”

Kyungsoo feels a small tug at his lips, glancing to the side at the soft fluffy hair sticking up on end from the young man nestled into his side. “I can’t take away all your tests, they are there for your education. So you can learn.”

“Bah,” muffles into Kyungsoo’s shoulder with a soft shake of shoulders. “Learning. I object to it. I’m going on learning strike.”

“You can’t go on learning strike,” Kyungsoo tells him, letting himself smile a bit. He keeps his voice down, leaning a bit into the lump of a person beside him.

“Well, I’ll start a revolution,” grumbles instead, the arms tightening around his waist. “Learning without exams. Or papers. Or tests. Or pain.”

“You’re not in pain,” Kyungsoo tells him.

“What do you know, you’re not me,” retorts back sharply and finally Sehun looks up from where he’d had his face buried in Kyungsoo’s side.

It’s right around the worst season where October begins to bleed a bit closer to November and all the teachers start snowballing their assignments to all occur at the same time. Meaning that while Kyungsoo is able to keep on top of things, writing his papers on Homer and history and working steadily on his project on the plague, his friends are entering small spirals of panic. They’d arranged to spend the afternoon studying, working together and collaborating on notes at Sehun’s house.

Sehun had pulled them all over, his older brother holing himself up in his room to avoid dealing with the ‘kids’ as he focused on his college applications. Parents out until the later evening, the group of Baekhyun, Jongin, Chanyeol, Jongdae, Seulgi, Soojung, and Kyungsoo had all sprawled over Sehun’s living room. For the most part it was with good intentions, to all support each other during the academic crunch.

It had dissolved into Baekhyun shoving an entire snack cake into Jongdae’s mouth and stepping on Soojung’s hair (accidentally). Of course, most of the studying had been marginal, Soojung interrupting the silence to explain about something that Seulgi had been stuck on or to remind Jongin to stop thinking about puppies and do his work.

Now, hours later and still only halfway through the work they were supposed to do, the group has dwindled down from the constant bubble of noise to a simple quiet. Most of the others are gone, and it leaves only the soft drone of the television playing a documentary as Kyungsoo sits with his history book in his lap and Sehun curled up to his side.

It’s nicer like this, where Sehun’s legs have pushed themselves into Kyungsoo’s lap simply for the sake of being there, and Sehun has his head resting on Kyungsoo’s shoulder.

His hair tickles Kyungsoo’s neck, and every so often his fingers tickle as they push his hair back and brush against Kyungsoo’s skin.

It’s nice, calm and quiet and Kyungsoo finds himself relaxing into Sehun’s warmth, pressed close to his side.

“What are you working on?” Sehun asks him, voice quiet as he shifts. It’s always amazing how, despite how Sehun is taller than Kyungsoo, he always ends up being the one to wrap about him, to lean in so he’s both leaning on Kyungsoo and pulling Kyungsoo to lean on him. Always there, always touching, so many parts of them connected.

“The origins of the plague and its use in warfare,” Kyungsoo answers absently. He feels Sehun sigh against him as he lets his fingers card absently through his hair. Sehun’s hair has always been so soft, fine strands that slip between Kyungsoo’s fingers, and it’s growing long. “They had one city that barricaded all it’s walls to the plague, and wouldn’t allow others to pass inside or accept food or blankets. Warring kingdoms ended up vaulting plague infested clothing into the city over the walls.”

“So it’s kind of like the birth of biological warfare,” Sehun muses, leaning back a bit into Kyungsoo’s fingers as the scratch lightly to his scalp. “Except with knights in shining armor and lots and lots of fleas.”

Kyungsoo lets out a soft laugh. “I don’t know about knights in shining armor, but there were definitely fleas. They were the whole cause of this.”

“I thought it was rats,” Sehun says, squirming a bit so he can turn to look up at Kyungsoo. It’s a little odd, having him look up at Kyungsoo when Kyungsoo is so used to looking up to see him. It makes Kyungsoo feel almost warm, and he smiles a little.

“It was also the rats,” Kyungsoo says. “Specifically East Asian rats, like from the Mongols, where they believe the Yersinia pestis originated. Then it was the other rats that traveled between the cities and spread the disease, host to the fleas that spread it to other animals. The plague was so dangerous because it affected all animals as well as humans.”

“Sounds like the ultimate catastrophe,” Sehun says, and he’s smiling. Like listening to Kyungsoo talk about the plague, something he’s interested in, is something he enjoys. Kyungsoo feels warm. 

“Well, it is known as one of the biggest disasters in human history,” Kyungsoo says.

“Probably why people call it The Plague, rather than that really bad plague,” Sehun muses and Kyungsoo ruffles his hair with a smile. Sehun grins, wide and with his tongue poking between his teeth, reveling in the attention.

“You’re like a huge cat,” Kyungsoo observes, watching as Sehun leans into him.

“I’m nicer than a cat,” Sehun says. “For one, I don’t shed or lick my butt in front of you.”

“That’s only because you can’t lick your own butt,” Kyungsoo says. He drags his hand from Sehun’s hair to tug gently on his ear. Sehun responds by wincing and pinching Kyungsoo in the stomach. One of Kyungsoo’s strengths is that he’s never been ticklish, and he’s always been quick to react when others try to tickle him. It’s why he has Sehun suddenly squirming when he wiggles his fingers into Sehun’s side, earning a yelp and a jerk against him.

Sehun is smiling and snuffling his giggles as he squirms away from Kyungsoo’s fingers, wriggling both further into Kyungsoo’s side and away. Kyungsoo lets out his own laugh as Sehun pushes his hand off.

“You’d still purr if I pet you,” Kyungsoo says as Sehun settles against him again. “See? You practically crawl into my lap already.”

“I’m the perfect pet for you then,” Sehun sighs. “Cats are quiet and nice and supportive and cuddle you when you’re lonely or sad but don’t demand a lot. I promise you’d never have to take me outside to use the bathroom.”

Something tugs and turns over inside Kyungsoo, a bit like a pancake being flipped inside his chest, except where his heart is.

“Did you just call yourself my pet?” Kyungsoo asks, finding his mouth dry and having to swallow.

“No, I was being hypothetical,” Sehun says. “Plus, Minseok hates cats, so I can’t _actually_ be your pet.”

“Sehun,” Kyungsoo says, letting out a laugh. “You’re not _actually_ a cat.”

“Shh,” Sehun says, and wiggles a bit on the couch, tucking his head closer and resting on Kyungsoo. “ _Believe._ ”

It flips again, that pancake in Kyungsoo’s chest that hasn’t really flipped before. “I don’t play pretend,” Kyungsoo says.

“Well, you’ve been deprived,” Sehun informs him, snuggling closer and propping his chin on Kyungsoo’s shoulder. “I’m here to help you remember how to snuggle and nap and bat at each other’s ears and also make believe that anything is possible. Like having candy for breakfast and telling stories under blanket tents and having sword fights with sticks.”

“That just sounds like kid stuff,” Kyungsoo points out. He can feel Sehun’s breaths against his face. Sehun smells like convenience store packaged snack cakes. “We’re in high school.”

“Fine,” Sehun huffs, and Kyungsoo feels it shift his body against his. So close. Kyungsoo never realized how close Sehun would get to him, how close they are. “Then tell me about the plague.”

“Don’t you have math homework?” Kyungsoo reminds him.

“I like you more than I like math homework,” Sehun tells him with a bright smile.

“Don’t use me as an excuse to avoid your homework,” Kyungsoo says, jostling him. It’s warm on the couch, and Kyungsoo’s pancake is still flip-flopping. Somehow, Kyungsoo realizes that this isn’t the first time this has happened, it’s just the first time it’s been _quiet_ enough that he’s noticed it.

That he’s taken the time to realize it happens.

“It’s not an excuse,” Sehun tells him. “I just really like you more than math homework. Or all homework. I like you more than a lot of things.” He smiles, broad and happy in that way that makes his eyes crease up. “Kind of like how I like cake.”

“I thought nothing could compete with cake. Kyungsoo watches as Sehun’s eyelashes flutter for a second, and his face goes between handsome and young and something in between.

“Well, you might,” Sehun says, and smiles. “Just because.” His eyes crease up and he smiles so wide he looks like an idiot.

And Kyungsoo’s heart flip-flops like a pancake before it lands with a plop.

-

Irritated.

That’s about the only way to properly summarize how Kyungsoo feels about right now. Irritated in general. It’s kind of the only way to explain most of the conflicting and confusing things going on in his chest, head, and general person. A mash-up of feelings that he’d not really been sure of before that all suddenly have begun to weave together into a nasty sort of patterned quilt that he never asked for.

An orange peel lands on his shoulder, which is also part of the irritation.

Kyungsoo frowns, drawing his lip back between his teeth and biting down on it.

A few days ago, Kyungsoo had sat on the couch with Sehun’s legs sprawled in his lap and Sehun’s head on his shoulder and stared at the slip in Sehun’s light jumper that flashed a bit of his collarbones. Sehun is a wiry thing still growing into his body, his bones stretching the rest of him too fast and too long for the rest of him to catch up.

He’s handsome. He’s really handsome, with the kind of bone structure that someone would carve out of stone. Kyungsoo has known this for a while, it just never _meant_ anything.

Another orange peel lands on him, this time on his book, covering up the math equation he’d been working on.

“Don't litter,” Kyungsoo mumbles under his breath.

“I’m not littering,” Baekhyun says, and drops another orange peel on him, this time to bounce on Kyungsoo’s shoulder before it tumbles down his chest. “It’s organic. I’m composting.”

A few days ago, Kyungsoo and Sehun had been curled up on the couch like the usually are and Kyungsoo had taken a second to think aside from the usual bypassing of most emotions. He’d actually thought more about what he talks about with Yixing and thinks about more and more as he tries to figure out what he thinks.

What he really thinks, and what he really feels.

A few days ago, as Kyungsoo had thought about what manly was at the back of his mind while doing what he always did. Except that time when he looked down at the young man nestled into his side, Kyungsoo felt something different.

Sehun isn’t specifically manly, too often being cute, sticking his tongue out and pouting or harranging Kyungsoo to hang out with him, text messages buzzing at the back of Kyungsoo’s mind. Sehun isn’t manly, but Sehun also looks so manly, and does decide things and is honest and loyal.

And Kyungsoo felt something different. 

Another orange peel lands on Kyungsoo, this time tumbling down from the top of his head and bouncing off his nose. Reaching up, Kyungsoo finds a few more of them in his hair, brushing them off quickly. Turning to Baekhyun, seated beside him on the picnic tables outside, Kyungsoo glares.

“Would you quit it?” Kyungsoo snaps. He’s trying to figure stuff out, figure himself out, figure his _emotions_ out. Kyungsoo doesn’t like having feelings about things. They’re always so sticky and complicated and changeable and, well, unexpected.

“What’s my motivation?” Baekhyun asks him lazily. Kyungsoo sincerely considers closing his text book and just smacking Baekhyun with it.

Of all people to be with him right now, Baekhyun isn’t the one Kyungsoo would choose. Maybe Chanyeol, or Jongdae, or even Yixing might be better. Though Yixing is also complicated, because Yixing is… well Kyungsoo has kind of been dating him except in a not dating sort of way.

Kyungsoo likes Yixing, he likes him a lot in fact. He just isn’t really interested in dating him for romantic purposes, more of just hang out purposes and doing stuff. He’d had a lot of fun the last time they went out, actually choosing to see the movie about drag queens and Kyungsoo had really enjoyed it. They’d grabbed dinner out, just a simple Italian meal, and eaten it near the park pond while listening to a few local musicians. 

Kyungsoo doesn’t want to date Yixing, which is problematic because he’s pretty sure Yixing wants to date _him_.

“If you don’t stop I’ll punch you?” Kyungsoo suggests, turning to fix Baekhyun with a pointed glare.

“You should be thanking me,” Baekhyun informs him, throwing another orange peel at him so it bounces off Kyungsoo’s nose. Kyungsoo flinches. “I’m adding a bit of zest to your life.” He grins like he’s just made the greatest joke of all time.

“Stop,” Kyungsoo says firmly, and reaches to grab for the orange.

“Okay, okay, I’ll stop,” Baekhyun sulks, leaning away so Kyungsoo can’t take his fruit away from him. “Don’t get mad at me when I don't try to liven up your life with a bit of citrus assistance again.”

“I don’t need ‘zest’ in my life,” Kyungsoo grumbles, watching as Baekhyun instead flicks orange peels onto the ground. “I have enough stuff and excitement as it is.”

“Oh, the citrus zest was for the smell,” Baekhyun lightly corrects.

Kyungsoo bristles. “I don’t smell.” He scowls deeper. “I showered this morning.”

“I was referring to the stench of morbidity emanating from your tiny person,” Baekhyun corrects and flicks a piece of orange peel at him. Kyungsoo glares as Baekhyun winningly pops an orange slice into his mouth, chewing openly. “Just being a helpful friend.”

“Yeah, well, you know what?” Kyungsoo sighs, snapping his book shut. “So far you’ve just made things worse.”

Baekhyun’s mouth drops open, hanging wide and unattractive as he stares at Kyungsoo. “I mean, usually I’d be excited about that, but I have no idea what I did.” Baekhyun swallows his mouthful of orange. “What did I do exactly?”

“You bullied me,” Kyungsoo tells him, feeling some of his irritation snapping out. If it weren’t for Baekhyun, he’d just have ignored Yixing. If it weren’t for Baekhyun, he’d not have been thinking about being manly and changing his mind and been confused so much. If it weren’t for Baekhyun, he’d probably not have these weird _feelings_ about a friend of his.

Friends are _friends_ not people you have _feelings_ about.

“Oh,” Baekhyun says, and then laughs. “Yeah, but I always do that.” Kyungsoo is not impressed with him. “You’re just so easy to tease, Kyungsoo.”

“No,” Kyungsoo corrects hotly. “I mean you got me to date and go out with a guy I didn’t _want_ to date, and now things are all messed up.”

“Wait,” Baekhyun says, frowning suddenly. “You’re actually _dating_ Yixing?”

“Well, no,” Kyungsoo says, and then sighs heavily. This is why he’s irritated, because there _isn’t_ an answer for this. Because he’s not dating Yixing but he _is_ kind of dating Yixing but without actually… dating him. “Well, I kind of am. It’s like a platonic hang out thing that he might actually think is real and I’m not trying to lead him on I just kind of like him.”

Baekhyun has a contemplative frown on his face, his tongue poking out between his lips. Then slowly his lips spread in a smile. “Oh ho,” he says, and sounds obnoxiously pleased. “So he _is_ manly enough for you.”

“I-!” Kyungsoo snaps his book shut, giving up on math for the moment. Math is already hard, even when Baekhyun _isn’t_ making it hard to concentrate and his heart isn’t doing confusing things. “Well, no, but it’s different. He’s not really manly but he’s not, well-“

“Unmanly?” Baekhyun prompts. “Flamboyant? Womanly?”

“Yixing definitely isn’t womanly,” Kyungsoo says.

“I told you his pecs were awesome,” Baekhyun says, sounding proud of himself.

“I still have to warm him away from you,” Kyungsoo grumbles, running his hand over his face.

“So what’s the deal?” Baekhyun asks, shuffling to wedge himself against Kyungsoo’s side. “Are you stuck about which part of him you want to touch first?” Baekhyun dances his fingers along Kyungsoo’s neck, his grin demonic. “His pretty neck?” His fingers squeeze Kyungsoo’s shoulders, and Kyungsoo stiffens. “His broad strong shoulders?” Kyungsoo frowns, feeling mostly empty inside. Nope. Baekhyun’s fingers dance down his chest. “His firm and muscled pecs?” Baekhyun squeezes around Kyungsoo’s own chest.

“If you don’t stop I swear I’m going to remove your hand from your wrist,” Kyungsoo tells Baekhyun flatly.

“Or are you just a thigh guy, like me?” Baekhyun muses, wisely releasing Kyungsoo’s chest. He unwisely, however, dances his other hand up Kyungsoo’s thigh scandalously.

Kyungsoo thinks of Baekhyun’s thighs. Nothing. Kyungsoo thinks of Yixing strong dancer thighs. He thinks of Jongin’s thighs and Minseok’s legs from soccer and feels little to nothing.

Kyungsoo thinks of Sehun hand resting on his leg and his own thighs propped in Kyungsoo’s lap, how the strong muscle feels under his palm.

That pancake flip happens again and Kyungsoo’s has trouble swallowing.

“No,” Kyungsoo says, feeling suddenly not comfortable with how close Baekhyun is. “Not really a thigh guy.”

Honestly, he can’t pick out what he often would look at in guys aside from… how they were male and attractive. There was never a specific body part he chose about them. Though now, as Kyungsoo thinks about his potential track record, they’re all tall and with faces that suggest murder. Except Yifan was mostly quiet and liked library dates and Sehun still has stuffed animals and giggles when he forgets to sound ‘cool.’

Some type he has. Though at least they dress well, which is more than Kyungsoo can say for some people in his life.

Like Baekhyun for example, who is known for wearing the same shirt or pair of pants for days (and once weeks) on end. 

“Hmm,” Baekhyun muses. “Maybe you just fell for his stellar personality.”

“Baekhyun, I’m not romantically interested in him,” Kyungsoo says, feeling trapped.

“But you _could_ be,” Baekhyun pushes. Kyungsoo really doesn’t think he could. “Maybe yours is just a slow burn love, like muscle is. You just have to work at it for a while and suddenly, bam! Super buff heart strong love.”

“That’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard,” Kyungsoo tells him flatly.

“No, it’s not,” Baekhyun dismisses easily, popping another orange slice into his mouth. “You know I’ve said stupider things.”

“But I'm not conflicted in my feeling about Yixing!” Kyungsoo says exasperatedly. He sighs heavily, and just wants to flop over, burying his head between his legs and make his emotions stop spinning. He feels Baekhyun patting him, actually a few reassuring pats to his back, and lets out another sigh, leaning into it slightly.

“It’s because he’s weird,” Baekhyun says, almost musing. “He’s hard to figure out. Just like you’re kind of hard to figure out. It’s why…” Kyungsoo blinks, looking up at him. “Anyway, I’m sure you’ll understand soon. Your tsundara heart will be revealed.”

“It’s tsundere,” Kyungsoo corrects him automatically.

“See? Now you’re using made up words too,” Baekhyun says, and wraps his arm tight around Kyungsoo, grinning. “See what adding a bit of zest to your life does?”

“You didn’t do that,” Kyungsoo reminds him.

“Sure I did,” Baekhyun says, grinning proudly for, well, nothing. “You just don’t know it.” He holds out a segment of orange, pushing it against Kyungsoo’s mouth. “Now be grateful and accept how wonderful I am to you. Giving you boy problems and orange slices and making sure you’re never bored.”

Kyungsoo ends up opening his mouth and accepting the orange slice, even if he doesn’t accept what Baekhyun is saying. Technically, Baekhyun is only partially responsible for what’s going on with Yixing, whereas Kyungsoo has no idea who to blame for the rest of the shit going on.

-

Kyungsoo has never been a specifically touchy person. That doesn’t mean that he’s not emotionally sensitive, though he’s never considered himself a particularly emotional or sentimental person. He’s not touchy, usually preferring to classify himself as ‘stoic’ and controlled, even if sometimes internally he feels like a bundle of strange unclassified feelings.

Instead, Kyungsoo isn’t really a touchy-feely. He’s not Chanyeol who loves to give hugs and get hugs and hold your hand to ask you how your day was or to cross the street. He’s not Jongin who clings to anything near him just to make sure this is real life. He’s not Baekhyun who touches everything just because he can to prove it’s there. He’s not Jongdae, who likes to snuggle things and pet people and poke them just to let them know he’s there and he likes them.

He’s more like Minseok and Insung, who don’t really touch unless they have to. They’re just not cuddly people, and Kyungsoo never was under the impression that just having a constant state of physical touch had ever been normal for him.

Except for one glaring detail.

Kyungsoo is latently touchy, or passively affectionate, meaning that while he doesn’t specifically initiate the touching between himself and another person, he responds to it. When touch is established as occurring, Kyungsoo will partake in it, lean into it, and indulges in it just as actively as the other person who is actively touching him. So while Kyungsoo isn’t necessarily the one to initiate the touching, once it is established that there is to be touching, Kyungsoo ends up essentially letting himself be manhandled into cuddles of all shapes and varieties.

It happens with Jongdae, and with Chanyeol, sometimes with Baekhyun and occasionally with Yixing. With them, it’s kind of a normal balance. Jongin clings a lot and tends to be more like an extremely large lanyard of a person that manages to attach himself to Kyungsoo, or manage to snuggle with Kyungsoo while making Kyungsoo feel like he’s embracing a particularly large stuffed animal.

Which, considering how much Kyungsoo does like Jongin and how fond he is of the younger man, would really make a lot of sense.

There is an exception though, and for the first time, Kyungsoo is aware of it like he hadn’t been before.

Sehun _always_ touches him. Not just a few brushes of hands, but always poking, touching, fondling, holding, leaning, snuggling, hugging, almost anything Kyungsoo can think of as continuous activity of touch between himself and Sehun. Sehun stands with him, studies with him, sits with him, sometimes sits on him or pulls Kyungsoo into his lap and it’s like it’s their norm. Like that’s just what they do, how they work.

It never really was given much attention by Kyungsoo, and he didn’t think about it. In fact, a lot of the time, _he_ also initiates touch, sitting on Sehun or shoving himself beside Sehun and maneuvering the other into a more comfortable position with him. He’s the one that reaches out and splays their hands together, interlocking their fingers or sometimes just runs his fingers in Sehun’s open palms.

Before, it never really crossed Kyungsoo’s mind, but now that he’s actively thinking about Sehun, that some part of Kyungsoo has become ‘interested’ in Sehun, Kyungsoo sees it all the time.

That’s not to say that most of the time they’re touchy.

Kyungsoo and Sehun are touchy _all_ the time. Unless separated dramatically for some reason, they touch. Just a brush of hands or some sort of contact, they touch each other and some part of them connects. Sehun will reach out and drag them together or Kyungsoo will grab his hand and just hold him there. It’s almost like an anchor, and Kyungsoo didn't realize how much he kept Sehun in his focus.

Except he does. He notices Sehun’s attire, his mood, his hairstyle, his lunch meals, his texts that vary with content, and his moods when he’s up or down. He notices how when Sehun is worried his eyes darken or cloud, and how his cheeks will turn a little pink when he’s embarrassed or defending himself against Jongin and Seulgi. He watches how Sehun can’t seem to leave his mouth alone, how he bites at his lips, his tongue runs over them, making them transform from pink to red. He watches how Sehun fusses with his hair, how he is concerned with his looks, how Sehun is nervous about his smile and only lets himself smile fully with people he’s comfortable with, that he trusts.

Kyungsoo knows if Sehun is late for lunch, if Sehun is late for getting in that morning, and he’ll text Sehun when he hasn’t heard from him in a bit. Just to make sure he’s not dead, because Sehun texts like he talks.

All the time.

He’s only truly quiet when he’s with Kyungsoo, his head pillowed on Kyungsoo’s shoulder and fingers inching to intertwine with Kyungsoo’s at his side.

It’s not super strange, because Sehun is touchy with a lot of other people too. Sehun and Jongin have always been touchy, though they more of hit and punch each other. Sehun and Chanyeol have always been touchy, though Sehun tends to be more manhandled and Chanyeol seems to be more playful and doesn’t snuggle him specifically. They’re more like Baekhyun and his brother. Sehun can be touchy with Jongdae, and he does a lot of the similar things he does with Kyungsoo with Jongdae, sometimes getting too close.

Kyungsoo doesn’t like it, and he especially doesn’t like that he doesn’t like it. It just makes it all the more confusing because noticing that Sehun touches people doesn't really do anything for him, or help him. It just makes him feel a little funny, and aware that his eyes and focus seems to have been default set on ‘Sehun.’

It’s scary, because Kyungsoo realizes how this isn’t a new development, but just a standing reality. He watches Sehun all the time, and it’s been that way for a while. Sehun affects him unlike his other friends do, makes him happy unlike his other friends do, and makes him upset unlike his other friends do.

Kyungsoo is used to his other friends being touchy, and his own actions reflect them. With Sehun, it’s not just a little touchy, it’s a lot, and Kyungsoo misses it when it’s gone. He notices it now, how Sehun’s hand rests on his arm, his leg, his side, his neck, tugs at his ear or how he rests his head on Kyungsoo’s back and curls around him. He notices how warm Sehun is when he leans into him, how gently Sehun runs his fingers down Kyungsoo’s arm, and how Kyungsoo can’t. Stop. Watching. Him.

It’s not like before now, when Kyungsoo didn’t realize it, when he wasn’t even thinking about it. Now, he’s noticing, and with every touch, every brush of skin to his, every look or smile, it’s different. Now, Kyungsoo notices when he’s looking at Sehun, when his eyes are drawn to the other boy, and how often it happens. He notices how he recognizes Sehun’s touch before even seeing it’s him.

It’s so like something Kyungsoo hasn’t really thought about in ages, and Kyungsoo kind of wonders if this is what he thinks it might be. When he thinks about that, how he gets that pancake feeling in his chest, Kyungsoo realizes he’s in deep, thick, shit.

-

Kyungsoo’s lips are dry, and no amount of lip balm he uses alleviates them. They’re chapped because he keeps nervously biting them, running his tongue along them and drying them out, picking at them with his fingers. It’s a nervous habit he’s begun to develop every time Sehun’s hand figures out a way to wind around his waist and curl against him. Or maybe every time Sehun breathes near him.

“What do you do,” Kyungsoo begins, startling Minseok to look up from the kitchen table. Minseok has been alternating between working on his college applications and his advanced placement physics class. Kyungsoo wets his lips. “When you think you think you have the plague?”

“Go to the doctor,” Minseok says immediately. “Do you think you have the plague?”

“No,” Kyungsoo says, and frowns because he’s not sure how to explain this at all. “But like, say that I think I got bitten by a plague infested flea, and now I have the symptoms of the plague, but I’m not sure I know that I actually have the plague or I just think I have the plague because everyone else thinks I have it.”

“Then you probably have the plague,” Minseok says, and slowly raises his eyebrow.

“But does that mean I got the plague from the flea I thought I got it from or a different flea?” Kyungsoo asks. “Like, what if I’m just having a reverse placebo effect, and I just _think_ I have the plague because I’ve been told I do?”

“Are you trying to use the plague as a metaphor?” Minseok asks him, putting down his pencil.

“Do you think I have the plague?” Kyungsoo asks him, feeling a sort of tightness in his chest.

“Like, the actual plague that wiped out a third of Medieval Europe or a metaphorical plague?” Minseok asks him, fixing him with an inquisitive look. “Because if you _do_ have the bubonic plague, we’re going to the hospital right now.”

“So I don’t have the plague,” Kyungsoo tries. He can feel his heart doing a thing that he’s not really sure about. “Even though I know how I feel about the medicine of my time and what I believe is good for me, I don’t have the plague.”

“Probably not?”

“Because I know what I think about, you know, what kind of, um, medicine works,” Kyungsoo says. He fiddles with his pencil. “For me.”

“And does it work?” Minseok asks him. “Do you like your ‘medicine’?”

Medicine sounds really… wrong. “I feel like I’ve been listening to the wrong doctors,” Kyungsoo says, frowning as he looks down at the note cards he’s been making. Organizing his information for his presentation, grouping the images and materials for his project on The Black Death. “I feel like they keep telling me this is airborne and telling me to carry flowers, but really I just want clean clothing.”

“So go to the Laundromat,” Minseok tells him, and gives him a weak smile. “Rather than doing what you keep being told, listen to what you know about yourself. Does that help?”

Kyungsoo smiles, a bit of relief wedging into his chest and beaming through his muddled muck of confusion and feelings. “Yeah,” he says, letting out a bit of a sigh as he relaxes into the couch. “It does.” Minseok’s smile gets a little more sure. “Thanks.”

“Anytime,” Minseok says, now truly smiling over his homework. “I think.”

-

“I knew it,” Baekhyun says, grinning as Kyungsoo slides down the wall next to him. He’s grinning, showing all his teeth and his eyes are creased so it’s almost impossible to see the glint in them. It’s there though, Kyungsoo knows. “You totally are into thighs.”

“I promised I’d come to a practice, so I’m here,” Kyungsoo says. He finally hits the floor and folds his legs, sitting cross-legged and folding his arms over his chest. The team is already in motion, mostly warming up as Yixing walks around and checks up on them. When Yixing had spotted Kyungsoo sneaking his way into the room, he’d practically lit up, his smile only broadening into curiosity when he’d seen Baekhyun follow him inside.

“Sure,” Baekhyun says, and slides down the wall himself, sprawling into Kyungsoo’s side. Head pillowing on Kyungsoo’s shoulder and hands lopping into Kyungsoo’s lap, Baekhyun fidgets and shifts in a way that Kyungsoo knows he’s doing it to bother him. “That’s what you say, but I know the truth.” His hands move until they’re resting on Kyungsoo’s thighs. He squeezes.

“Stop it if you want to keep your hands,” Kyungsoo tells him flatly, glancing to him with no expression. “No joke.” Baekhyun wisely pats Kyungsoo’s legs and then pulls his hands back into his own lap. “I still need to make sure Yixing knows to avoid you.”

“Why would he avoid me? I’m wonderful,” Baekhyun says. “Besides, shouldn’t you be watching your boyfriend as he dances and shows off his virile prowess?”

“He’s not my boyfriend,” Kyungsoo says flatly, turning from his friend to look at the practice.

They’re preparing for a new competition. Kyungsoo knows because Yixing keeps talking about it at lunch, telling him about the choreography he has shaped up for it. For the first time the other day though, Yixing had mentioned that Sehun was featuring in it, and it was only then that he’d seen Sehun flush, ducking his head as blatant pride and humility shown on his face simultaneously.

They’re doing the whole ‘urban’ dance style that Sehun had talked about, and Kyungsoo finds that he really likes it. It’s not really like the other styles of hip-hop that he’s seen, especially from the dance team in the last practice. This is more like it’s built for constant movement, the body doing things it’s not supposed to.

And, for the first time, Kyungsoo is pretty sure Sehun is actually a really good dancer. Or just that the dance _is_ something that he’s good at. Usually Kyungsoo can easily watch Jongin or at least notice that Yixing is really good (which they are), but here, it’s like Sehun is in his element.

It may also be because Sehun looks to be so much more focused on doing the choreo, par for par in effort with Yixing’s structure and Jongin’s enthusiasm. The dance itself is set to a sort of mash of techno and electronic beats, the dance rippling and mimicking the jarring sounds with movement.

Kyungsoo never really knew bodies could move like that, and it’s a little hypnotic to watch.

“Wow,” he says without meaning to.

“You know, I think this is the first time I’ve seen you willingly abandon researching depressing deadly disease to watch someone shake their ass,” Baekhyun says. “Are you an ass man?” Kyungsoo turns to glare at him, Baekhyun’s smile wide and devious. “You totally are.”

“I thought you were the one into butts,” Kyungsoo retorts.

“That doesn’t mean we can’t both be,” Baekhyun says, and flings an arm around Kyungsoo’s shoulders. “It’s so nice, we can bond over them now.” Kyungsoo didn’t agree to this. “Whose do you think is the best?” Baekhyun asks.

“I don’t care about butts,” Kyungsoo says, frowning at Baekhyun as his friend looks at the dancers.

“I think it’s a pretty good three way tie between Jongin, Sehun, and Soojung.”

“Baekhyun,” Kyungsoo says flatly. “Stop.”

“I mean, it all depends on what you prefer, but seriously, they’re all such nice butts,” Baekhyun waxes poetic with a sigh. “Like, Jongin’s butt just jiggles when he moves, and it just fits so well in all his pants.”

“Stop.”

“And Soojung just doesn’t even realize that she even has one I think,” Baekhyun continues. “Like, that’s the beauty of it. It’s just there like a silent beauty in the garden of her shorts.”

“You’re repulsive.”

“And then there’s Sehun’s ass,” Baekhyun sighs, leaning even more into Kyungsoo. He holds up a hand, palm open and facing up, as if he’s presenting how amazing Sehun’s ass is. “Which is kind of like the two beautiful globes of the sun and moon hanging in the sky that is Sehun’s body. Like, Sehun is just a mystery of attractive human and his ass is right up there in terms of ‘wonderful’ things about him.”

Kyungsoo suddenly feels something stiffen straight through his chest. “Do you like him?” he asks, not looking at the dancers and instead looking at Baekhyun.

At the question, Baekhyun sits up promptly, turning to him with a shocked frown and his mouth open. It makes him look incredibly stupid. “What?”

The feeling of an iron pole existing where his esophagus should be is really uncomfortable, and Kyungsoo feels himself getting edgy. “Sehun,” he says, wetting his lips as he looks at Baekhyun. “Do you like him?”

“Why would you say that?” Baekhyun asks, looking puzzled.

“Because you just verbally worshipped his backside,” Kyungsoo says, feeling his patience begin to burn too fast.

“I also just spoke at length about Jongin and Soojung, and prior to that was rambling about Yixing’s and Jonggup’s arms and thighs,” Baekhyun says, looking bewildered.

Right. Kyungsoo takes in a quick breath, then lets it out and looks away. “Yeah, but you never talk about Sehun like that.”

“I talk about everyone like that,” Baekhyun says, still sounding confused. “Like, I talk about _your_ thighs like that sometimes.”

“You do?” Kyungsoo isn’t sure he wants to know. From the look on Baekhyun’s face, he thinks he won’t have a choice.

“Remember in middle school when I kept talking about how I wanted to bite your thighs?” Baekhyun reminds with a wide grin.

Kyungsoo feels the color drain from his face. “No,” he says, and shakes his head. “Please don’t bring that up again.”

“They’re just so nice and juicy and-“ Baekhyun’s words muffle together as Kyungsoo promptly shoves his hand into Baekhyun’s face and pushes him off. Kyungsoo lets out a little yelp of disgust as he feels the soft wet press of Baekhyun’s tongue against his palm and snatches his hand back.

“Gross,” Kyungsoo tells him with a grimace. “That’s gross, Baekhyun. What are you? Twelve?”

“I’m just spreading the sickness of love,” Baekhyun says. “Consider me your love bug. Introducing you to the man of your emotional and pectoral dreams and perpetuating happiness to all I know.”

“All you did was cause the biggest headache I’ve ever had,” Kyungsoo grumbles. He unfolds his legs to tuck them up to his chest. It feels less like a headache than chest constipation.

“Are you sure you’re not confusing head with heart and it’s just not heartache?” Baekhyun asks, poking him in the center of his chest. He wiggles his finger and Kyungsoo’s eyes catch on Sehun and Yixing executing a complicated dance move where they flip around each other. The pancake flips violently in his chest.

“Yes,” Kyungsoo says. Baekhyun’s finger wiggles against his chest again. “I don't have heartache. I’m not like you.”

“I know,” Baekhyun says. “I know you’re not like me. No one is like me. That’s why I like me best.”

“Baekhyun, you don’t need a boyfriend,” Kyungsoo tells his friend, shoving him off. “You love yourself enough for two people.”

“In which case my boyfriend can just be an accessory,” Baekhyun muses, though he pulls away, curling into a sort of ball next to him. “There when I have my doubts and dark moments.”

The way he says is makes Kyungsoo pause, looking down at him and wondering if he heard the edge in Baekhyun’s voice or not. Baekhyun is just slumped though, staring at the dancers with a bit of a complacent expression, like he’s thinking. Kyungsoo bites his lip and looks back to the dancers. It was probably nothing.

At a water break, the team breaks up, Yixing calling to them all to take a rest and get something to drink. He leaves Sehun and Jongin talking something over with Hyeri and Soojung. Flopping down on the floor with Kyungsoo and Baekhyun, he smiles, shaking his sweaty hair from his face and holding a water bottle.

“What do you think?” Yixing asks, looking between them both.

“I think it would look better if you wore less clothing,” Baekhyun answers immediately, sound completely nonchalant.

For some reason, Yixing laughs loudly, his face creasing in amusement that Kyungsoo doesn’t really understand. Baekhyun, ever crude, just sits there grinning, clearly pleased with himself.

“It’s good,” Kyungsoo says, trying to smile supportively. “It’s really interesting to watch. You guys will kill it at the competition.”

“Well, I’m not sure we’ll win, but at least we have a shot of making the final cut for the next tier,” Yixing says, letting out a bit of a shaky sigh. Then he smiles. “I’m glad you guys could come today. It helps to have someone aside from me and the others watching. Makes us work harder when we know we’re being watched.”

“I can come everyday then,” Baekhyun says. “And I’d be happy to drag Kyungsoo along with me. It’s not like he has other things to do.”

“Aside from school work,” Kyungsoo says, and smiles shakily as Yixing’s eyes remained fixedly on him. “Though I think we all have that.”

“That’s right,” Yixing says, and reaches forward to grasp one of Kyungsoo’s knees gently. “Your disease project is going to be presented soon, right? How is it coming?”

“Good,” Kyungsoo says, feeling a bit flattered that Yixing remembered. “I can’t say the same for Baekhyun though.”

“Baekhyun is doing one too?” Yixing asks, looking at him curiously. “You never told me that.”

“I’m doing spontaneous human combustion,” Baekhyun says idly. He tilts his head back, as if showing off. “You know, where people randomly explode.”

“They don’t explode,” says Sehun, flopping down onto the floor beside them. Almost immediately, he’s flopping over again, hands and arms and head inclining to Kyungsoo and practically falling directly into his lap. Kyungsoo lets him, just _lets_ him do it. Lets him fit right into him, even his fingers itching to pull him closer, despite how Sehun is sweaty and gross and probably smells. “They randomly burst into flame without apparent cause of ignition and die from burning to death.”

“Awesome,” Baekhyun says, looking Sehun up and down with interest. “Want to do my project for me?”

“It’s your project,” Sehun grumbles. “Do it yourself, I just had to sit through you reading aloud internet articles for days when you were trying to figure out what topic you actually chose.”

“See, I knew his head wasn’t filled with fluff,” Baekhyun says, reaching over and patting Sehun on top of the head. “Good child thing.”

“It’s his heart that’s full of fluff,” Yixing says, and reaches over as well to poke Sehun in the chest. Sehun grins wide, tongue poking between his teeth as he reaches to poke back, finally kicking out with his feet to wedge his toes into Yixing’s side. “Sehun, the sweetheart. Handsome on the outside, adorable on the inside.”

Yixing bats him off before Sehun can do anything, laughing and shoving Sehun back. Kyungsoo watches, feeling slightly displaced and disconnected, like he shouldn’t be there. He presses his lips together, letting his hand to rest on Sehun’s bare shoulder. It’s damp with sweat and warm, very warm, and Kyungsoo knows it’s gross but he doesn’t want to move away.

Yixing’s eyes flicker to them both, between Kyungsoo and Sehun, and linger on them, his smile fixed.

“What did you think of Sehun’s dancing today?” Yixing asks. Kyungsoo can feel Sehun still against him, his hand curled around his ankle.

“It was good,” Kyungsoo says, and tightens his hand on Sehun’s shoulder. “He’s really something out there. I’m proud of him.” Sehun doesn’t move under his hand, and Kyungsoo meets Yixing’s gaze as it remains on him. “I hadn’t seen it before.”

“That’s because you never come to practice,” Sehun grumbles, tugging at Kyungsoo’s shoelaces. “I kept asking you to come and you kept saying you were busy. I guess it took Yixing to ask you for you to finally come and actually watch me dance.”

“Yeah, but Jongin shows me his dance styles when I see him. I thought you showed me everything. Just because Yixing asked me doesn’t mean you couldn’t have danced for me by yourself,” Kyungsoo says. “What else are you hiding from me?” There is a warm crawl up Kyungsoo’s chest as he says it, looking down at Sehun now, the younger boy pressed hot against his side. Sehun rolls over, repositioning so he looks up at Kyungsoo.

Sehun doesn’t look amused, or confused, or exasperated. He looks guarded. “I don’t hide anything from you,” he says, but his voice is also guarded, and it snicks against the thing crawling in Kyungsoo’s chest. “I’m your friend, why would I hide stuff from you?”

“Is that all I am to you?” Kyungsoo asks. The words are out of his mouth before he can stop them. Even if he meant it along the lines of how close their friendship is, it suddenly feels so much bigger than that. Bigger than Kyungsoo’s chest can contain.

Sehun’s eyes are wide, staring up at him, and they’re not wide in shock. It’s hurt. It hits Kyungsoo so fast that he stops breathing. Before Kyungsoo can say anything, Sehun is pushing up and off of him, standing and turning and walking away, shoulders stiff.

The words to call out to him are stuck at the back of Kyungsoo’s throat, feeling too hot and almost searing. “Where are you going?” instead calls from Yixing’s voice.

Across from him, Yixing looks concerned, like he’s worried about Sehun more than Kyungsoo is. Like Kyungsoo said something that really hurt him.

“Water,” Sehun calls, and his voice is tight. “I’m thirsty.”

“Sehun-“ Yixing makes to call after him, looking like he’s about to get up and go after him.

“I’ll go,” Kyungsoo says quickly, feeling jittery. He’s not sure what, but something he said upset Sehun. _He_ needs to talk to Sehun, not Yixing. Yixing doesn’t need to know, doesn’t need to think that there’s something going on or something wrong that he needs to be worried about.

This is all Kyungsoo’s mess. His mess for spending so much time with Yixing because he likes him but doesn’t know how to tell him he doesn’t want to date him. It’s his mess for leading Yixing on because he likes spending time with him, and he’s scared if he turns Yixing down, he’ll lose that friendship.

Kyungsoo hates losing things. And right now, he’s most afraid of losing Sehun.

Sehun, who is leaning against the wall near the water fountain, face and hair wet and dripping from obviously having just splashed water on his face. Sehun who has his face pinched shut and his lip bit between his teeth, taking shaking breaths.

“Hey, I’m sorry,” Kyungsoo says quietly, walking up and that horrible clenching crawl is really bad. Kyungsoo feels really bad, awful to the point of wanting to actually be smaller than he is because of how Sehun looks. “I didn’t mean to-“

“It’s fine,” Sehun says, letting out a shaking breath and pushing away from the wall. “Forget it.”

“No!” Kyungsoo says, grabbing him by the arm and holding on, stopping Sehun and making him turn to him, eyes wide. “I’m not going to forget it because- are you crying?”

“No,” Sehun snaps, and yanks his arm away. He lets out a sharp breath, and wipes at his face. His eyes are red though, and Kyungsoo watches as he wipes his face of water and possibly tears. “No, I am not crying. I’m- look, I told you to forget it. Go back to practice.”

“Why are you upset?” Kyungsoo asks, bewildered. He’s not seen Sehun like this, clearly on edge and not telling him why when it was obviously Kyungsoo that upset him. “Why won’t you talk to me?”

“I _do_ talk to you!” Sehun says, almost yells and keeps a distance between them. “I talk to you all the time! I talk to you every day and see you almost every weekend and I _do_ talk to you, Kyungsoo! I always talk to you even if you don’t listen to me! Even if you don’t realize I’m there and tune me out as I ramble, I do talk to you. So just, for once, don’t yell at me when I don’t.”

Kyungsoo feels stunned. “I didn’t mean it like that.”

“I know you didn’t,” Sehun says quieter. Ducking his head, and slumps, his back hitting the wall and his too long bangs shading his eyes, hiding him. “I’m sorry. Just- leave me alone for a second.” He gives an almighty sniff. “I look like shit right now.”

“Well, you’re gross and sweaty and crying,” Kyungsoo observes, wanting to reach out and touch him, pat him or pull him into a hug. “What do you expect?”

“Thanks for the sympathy,” Sehun grunts sarcastically, glancing up at him. “Really touching. I can see why Yixing likes you so much.”

“He only likes me because he thinks he does,” Kyungsoo says, frowning a bit as Sehun’s mouth presses into a line. “He thinks I’m cute and nice, just like how I look.” Kyungsoo isn’t sure that’s true, but Yixing acts like it, an odd sort of protective coddling towards him even as he makes hearts with his hands and coos over pictures of baby animals he’s saved on his phone. “He even says I’m cute.”

“You are cute,” Sehun tells him flatly. “What if he really does like you, Kyungsoo? What if you end up really hurting him? Just because-“

“I’m trying to fix it,” Kyungsoo says quickly, and a dull heat builds in irritation. He’s not trying to fuck up, he just can’t seem to stop doing it. “I just don’t really know how to tell him he’s not my type when-“

“Because he’s not manly?” Sehun snaps and his tone cuts. “Because he’s not what you _think_ you want? Kyungsoo, you don’t _know_ what you want.”

“Yes, I do,” Kyungsoo snaps back, frowning in anger. Kyungsoo knows what he wants. He’s known what he wants for a long time. It’s like how he knows what he wants when he wakes up and is hungry. He knows he likes the color black and action movies and stuffed animals on his bed. He knows he likes guys who… Who…

Something shivers in Kyungsoo’s chest, worsening as he looks into Sehun’s face and sees his cheeks pink in anger, not embarrassment.

"You're in high school,” Sehun says, and his voice cracks as it goes too high. He pushes himself off the wall, standing up straighter. “ _No one_ in high school knows what they want."

"I _do_ know what I want,” Kyungsoo half yells back, the anger rising hot in him, chin rising as he looks up at Sehun, cursing his height.

"No, you don't,” Sehun retorts, and his voice shakes. He starts pacing, hands waving a bit as he stares at Kyungsoo and moves in agitation. “You think you know what you want because you tell yourself it's what you want without actually thinking about what you want because you don't _know_ enough to really figure out what you want to know what you want!" He stops, and lets out a huge breath before closing his eyes and putting both his hands over his face, letting out a small whine.

"I- what?" Kyungsoo stares, frowning as he’s not sure what Sehun just said and it leaves him feeling stoppered up. Nerves buzzing, he stares at Sehun, and can’t tell if he’s shivering or nervous.

"So,” Sehun says through his hands before letting them drop. He looks at Kyungsoo almost tiredly, and his face is wet again, eyes redder than before. “Stop trying to tell yourself you know what you want because you think it's what you want and just want what you want and let yourself want things!"

Kyungsoo’s head is spinning, his heart is spinning, the world is spinning. "None of what you're saying makes sense."

"Of course it doesn't!” Sehun exclaims, throwing his hands out and letting out a dry desperate sort of laugh. “I'm a freshman in high school and I'm still terrified that I might accidentally get a boner in the middle of a speech in class. How the fuck am i supposed to actually make sense enough that it'll get through your stupid head what it is I'm trying to say!"

"And what are you trying to say?" Kyungsoo feels too big again, like he doesn’t fit in himself. It’s confusing and strange and unfair and he just wants Sehun to stop crying and to hug him. To reach out and pull Sehun’s head to rest on his shoulder and make him stop crying and upset and stop this mess. He wishes he never was in this whole mess and he hates how he doesn’t know what to think or what to do. It’s like being completely out of control, and it makes Kyungsoo feel vulnerable. “Sehun?”

He hates feeling vulnerable like this, when it wasn’t his choice to be.

"That you have to stop telling yourself what you like because it's what you think is the correct answer and just let yourself like someone without feeling like it's wrong,” Sehun finally says, his shoulders heaving with shaking breaths and his voice is almost too soft. “Because it's not wrong, it's okay, and you're okay. You've _always_ been okay, even if not everyone thinks you're funny, because you _are_ funny to me, and other people. You're funny and smart and caring and manly and handsome and cute and interesting and I don't care if your favorite movie is Inception or Silence of the Lambs or Aladdin, it doesn't matter because that's what makes you _you_ and there's _nothing_ wrong with that and _anyone_ who tells you that it's wrong can go sit on a cactus because they can't see how wonderful you are like I can."

"I..." There isn’t enough space in Kyungsoo’s chest for him to get enough air. He feels light headed, heart shivering and shaking and in between feeling anything aside from that limbo of numbness. Sehun’s eyes are sad and burning and insistent and his lips are pink and shining as he wets them, still breathing a little too fast as he watches Kyungsoo. "You think I'm wonderful?"

Sehun’s eyes squeeze closed, and he slumps back against the wall with a groan. "That wasn't the point!"

"Then what was the point?" Kyungsoo asks, feeling like everything is going too fast and too slow and he can’t keep up with anything.

"The point was that you're holding yourself back from being happy,” Sehun finally sighs, sounding exhausted. He looks sad, really painfully sad. Kyungsoo hates how Sehun can look so sad, and upset, and gross from dance, and he’s still handsome and Kyungsoo feels like shit. “And I hate seeing it, because it hurts to see you hurt when you've already hurt enough. I don’t think you even realize you’re hurting you and that’s the worst thing, because you won’t _listen_ even if I or Baekhyun or Chanyeol can see that you’re not happy. So stop it, and just-“ He lets out another sigh, eyes opening to settle on the ground, not at Kyungsoo. “Just be who you are and I promise you someone will love you more than anything else in the whole world and never, ever want you to change just because you don't fit whatever type it is that you seem to think matters so much. Type doesn't matter, Kyungsoo. People matter, and you matter, and I matter, and- and that's what I was trying to say."

Then Sehun is turning, too fast for Kyungsoo to move and walking quickly away down the hall. He leaves Kyungsoo standing in the hall next to the water fountain and feeling shocked and trembly and too big and too small and even more confused. He leaves Kyungsoo with his words ringing in his ears, and something finally clicks into place.

"Oh."

-

**Manly man**  
A male human of exceptional strength, fortitude, brilliance, and overall awesomeness.

 

If there is one thing that’s classical of Sehun, it’s how much he dislikes conflict. He doesn’t like when his friends fight, when he fights with them, and he hates seeing them hurting because of each other. Kyungsoo remembers when Chanyeol and Baekhyun used to bite at each other over the summer, fretting and crawling to his side to ask how he could help. He remembers watching Chanyeol push him off when Sehun tried to help and offer consolation and remembers how Sehun used to wince when he thought no one was watching as they’d argue.

Sehun tries to avoid conflict as much as he can, how he gets upset when the people he knows and cares about fight, and doesn’t handle it well. He speaks his mind when he wants to, but bites his tongue if he thinks it might cause a fight to start between himself and a friend.

Sehun _hates_ when his friends fight, or when people aren’t okay with him.

So when Sehun isn’t talking to him, and is acting like everything is fine even though it clearly _isn’t_ , it’s bad.

It’s really, _really_ bad.

What’s worse is that Kyungsoo has gotten into small fights and arguments with Sehun before, usually because the younger boy did something that annoyed him. Or Kyungsoo said something wrong and it bothered Sehun.

This isn’t like those times though, and Kyungsoo doesn't think just a simple apology is going to make things better, especially when Sehun doesn’t really look at him anymore. He’s still there, still sitting with him, still touchy to the point that Kyungsoo can’t concentrate and feels like shit, but it’s wrong.

Sehun is frowning when Kyungsoo talks with Yixing, looking away or vanishing entirely. Sehun didn’t even sit with Kyungsoo at lunch for a few days. It took Kyungsoo the first ten minutes of lunch looking around the cafeteria before he found him sitting with people Kyungsoo has never met before.

It makes Kyungsoo bitter and upset and, as Kyungsoo doesn’t do that well with conflict or tension between his friends either, it’s kind of a clusterfuck of bullshit.

Kyungsoo doesn’t have the answers to all the questions in his head and the feelings in his chest make no sense because they all just show up when they shouldn’t. Sehun isn’t Hamlet or Romeo or Captain America and Kyungsoo doesn’t know what he’s supposed to like anymore.

Apparently, he’s not supposed to like anything, according to what Sehun had chewed him out with the other day. He’s just supposed to like what he likes because he likes it and types only exist on word processing programs.

The problem is Kyungsoo has no idea what he feels aside from frustrated and upset and incredibly, hopelessly, out of his league.

“What happens if I like Romeo instead of Hamlet?” Kyungsoo had asked Yixing during lunch when Sehun wasn’t there and Baekhyun was too busy trying to put spaghetti in Chanyeol’s backpack to give him shit.

“Why would you like Romeo?” Jongdae had asked before Yixing could answer him. Kyungsoo sometimes forgets that other people can hear him, and had stared at Jongdae in a mild panic as he had no idea what to tell him.

“Because he’s a romantic manly man,” Yixing had supplied helpfully.

“Who kills himself and is impulsive as fuck,” Jongdae replied and poked Kyungsoo in the ear gently. “Be a smart man and go for Benvolio. Even his name is better, instead of screaming ‘Super Love!’ it means ‘goodwill’ and he’s legit the only sane person in that damn play. Goes around like ‘yo, all you shits, can you stop putting your heads up each other’s butts?’ He’s the actual hero, screw Romeo.”

“I really don’t think that’s actually what he did,” Kyungsoo had said staring at Jongdae, only to be blown off as ‘selectively manly blind’ before Jongdae went back to his fruit bowl. It hadn’t been expressively helpful, and Yixing had been dragged into a conversation on female rights issues with Seulgi before Kyungsoo could ask him again.

Which leaves Kyungsoo struggling to get through his own emotional swamp of feelings, wondering if he likes Romeo or Benvolio or Clark Gabel as he tries to study about the plague and provide Chanyeol moral support.

“Why am I here again?” Kyungsoo asks, feeling distinctly uncomfortable as he watches white… paint? smear over Chanyeol’s face with a soft foam sponge.

Chanyeol frowns at him, his forehead creasing and it earns him a short slap against his shoulder. He flinches, looking up at the young man applying white make up to his face, and smiles apologetically.

“Stop moving,” says the other young man imposingly, a hand resting on his hip in annoyance.

“Sorry,” Chanyeol says, and does look quite apologetic. “I’m pretty sure you’re here because I asked you to be,” Chanyeol answers Kyungsoo. “And because I need your opinion, and you probably need help too.”

“Yeah, but I don’t get why you asking to talk to me means I have to sit here and watch you have make-up applied,” Kyungsoo points out, watching as Chanyeol flinches at the make-up being smeared near his eyes.

“ _Stop moving_ ,” commands the other young man, huffing at him. He’s tall, maybe taller than Sehun is, and he’s built a lot like Jongin. Except more athletic. Kind of like a gymnast.

“I can’t help it,” Chanyeol says, sighing. “I’m not used to having make-up on.”

“You’re just lazy,” sighs at him, and the other man steps back, tossing his black bangs from his face. “You,” he says, throwing a look and a hand gesture at Kyungsoo. “Tell him he’s an idiot and to stop flinching for me. It’s messing up my work and he’s being a baby. It’s just make-up.”

“Boys aren’t supposed to wear make-up,” Kyungsoo says, frowning at the other man. He notes a little too late the definite darker lines of eyeliner and the smooth even tone that suggests foundation. “It’s weird.”

“Peasants,” sighs the other man, shaking his head and turning to the mirror. “Honestly, you can’t just wake up beautiful.”

“I do,” Chanyeol says and grins toothily as the other young man turns to him with an arched eyebrow. “Or, well, handsome. Maybe not beautiful.”

“Pretty,” Kyungsoo corrects. “You’re pretty, Chanyeol.”

“Why does it sound diminutive when he says it?” asks the man in make-up, looking at Chanyeol and talking like Kyungsoo isn’t _right there_. “It’s like he’s insulting us with his prior observations about how make-up is weird. Is he always this negative and critical about the finer delicate things in life?”

“I’m not-“ Kyungsoo sighs, deciding not to bother with arguments. “Look, do I really have to sit here through your make-up tutorial?”

“I have tech after this,” Chanyeol says, finally sitting as still as he can and nodding to the other man. “Zitao has drama rehearsal and this is the only time we can check to see if the costuming is correct.”

“It’s Chanyeol’s fault for overbooking his schedule,” says the other man, Zitao, over his shoulder. “You’re not superman.”

“But I can try to be,” Chanyeol reminds with a smile. He drops it when Zitao slaps him lightly in scolding. “Fake it till you make it.”

“I don’t think that means you can be superman,” Kyungsoo points out, frowning.

“Who are you to crush people’s souls?” Zitao drawls, turning to cast a judging look over his shoulder.

“He’s been doing it a lot lately,” Chanyeol sighs. “That’s why I wanted to talk to him. Because it’s gotten bad.”

“Look,” Kyungsoo sighs, feeling that familiar heat curl in his chest that’s irritation and… other stuff. “I don’t know why he won’t-“

“Yeah, I think you do,” Chanyeol interrupts him with a bite to his voice. “What did you even say to Sehun that made him get this upset? I’ve never seen him cry so much.”

Suddenly, Zitao is stiffening. He turns rigidly to Kyungsoo. “ _You’re_ Kyungsoo?” he asks, and his voice is as tight as his muscles through his shirt.

His tone has Kyungsoo bristling. “Got a problem with it?” Kyungsoo asks him, feeling himself stiffen at the hard look on Zitao’s face.

“Yeah, actually, I do,” Zitao snaps, and steps away from Chanyeol’s half made up face. “You broke my best friend.”

“He’s not your best friend,” Kyungsoo says instinctively.

“Excuse you, I know who my best friend is,” Zitao retorts sharply. “And now I know who the asshole is that’s made him a mess the last-“

“Zitao,” comes sharp but not unkind and Zitao turns sharply with a loud, “what?”

“Can I talk to Kyungsoo alone for a second?” Chanyeol asks, flashing Zitao a pleading look. “I promise, you can tongue lash him later. But can I just talk to him first?”

Zitao’s eyes flicker, like he very much wants to say no. Then he looks at Kyungsoo, huffs, and finally sighs, his arms dropping from over his chest. “You have ten minutes,” he announces. “Then I’m coming back in and putting you in proper Kabuki styling.”

“Perfect,” Chanyeol says, smiling wide. “I promise I won’t flinch.”

Zitao smiles, and it softens his whole face, his eyes almost dancing as he looks at Chanyeol. “Yes, you will,” he says and then laughs a bit. “Don’t make any more commitments, Chanyeol. You have enough already, try hard superman.” Zitao shoots Kyungsoo one more reproachful look before he strides from the cast room with a pronounced swing of his hips.

Kyungsoo has never seen anyone look so dramatically manly and yet act so-

“He’s really…” Kyungsoo begins, trying to figure out how to not be rude.

“Gay,” Chanyeol says bluntly. “Like, not in a stereotypical way, but he’s much more of the Fabulous Flawless Beyonce style than the Neil Patrick Harris expression.”

“But he looks so-“ Kyungsoo bites his lip, cutting himself off before he can dig himself into another hole.

“Manly,” Chanyeol finishes for him, with a more serious look this time. “Yes, Kyungsoo, people can look one way and act one way and do things another and it doesn’t make them manly or not. It just makes them who they are, and people put them under labels. People like you.”

“Labels exist for a reason,” Kyungsoo says.

“Yeah, so do street names and shoe sizes,” Chanyeol says with a dry laugh. “That doesn’t mean I judge Baekhyun because he wears a size eleven shoe. Or I think differently of Jongin because he wears a large sized shirt since his shoulders are so broad. It doesn’t mean I measure up and harass my friend about what I think about what hair cut he has just because I may not have the same one.”

“Is this about Sehun?” Kyungsoo asks, and feels a bit too small for the stool he’s sitting on.

“Of course it’s about Sehun,” Chanyeol sighs, and makes to run his hand down his face in exhaustion. He stops as soon as he touches his face though, and winces, fingers coming away white from smearing his make-up. “You really upset him.”

“I know,” Kyungsoo says, feeling his stomach twist.

“Like, he may not act it, but he’s really-“

“I _know_ ,” Kyungsoo says again, louder. It’s been four days, and Kyungsoo hasn’t had one text from Sehun. That’s like Sehun being dead. Or Kyungsoo being dead to him.

Kyungsoo doesn't know which is worse.

“What happened?” Chanyeol asks him carefully.

“I- um,” Kyungsoo isn’t sure how to explain this without sounding like an asshole. He decides not to talk about the fact that Sehun yelled at him kind of crying and Kyungsoo yelled back, which was clearly a bad idea, and instead chooses a different tactic.

Once, when he was young and still apparently dealing with the death of his parents, Kyungsoo had been placed in talk therapy. After about four sessions, everyone around him came to a general conclusion; Kyungsoo did not do well in talk therapy.

In fact, it made him worse, nervous and anxious and upset having to talk about his feelings to the point he was screaming and crying on the couch and incoherent.

Talk therapy doesn’t work so well with Kyungsoo.

But if Kyungsoo doesn’t talk about what’s going on with him at this point, he doesn’t think he’ll ever figure it out. “I’m having problems,” Kyungsoo admits stiffly.

“Like brain problems?” Chanyeol asks, and sounds truly concerned.

“No!” Kyungsoo says quickly and then sighs. “Like, problems with how I feel about stuff. About people, and life, and…”

Chanyeol seems to catch on quite quickly. “And Sehun.”

“Yeah,” Kyungsoo says quietly. “See, I thought for so long I liked manly men-“

“Which you beat into the rest of us like it was your life mission,” Chanyeol interrupts.

“- and now I’m kind of wondering about it,” Kyungsoo continues, ignoring Chanyeol. “Because- because what if I just keep clinging to this idea of manly men because it’s what I know and only what I know. What if I don’t know what I want and I’m scared to actually know what I want?”

“Why would you be afraid?” Chanyeol asks sounding genuinely confused. Kyungsoo sits, stumped and not stumped and bites his lip, hoping Chanyeol might give him a different answer than what he thinks the real answer is. The real answer makes him feel so small, and much more vulnerable than he ever wants to be. After a moment of staring, Chanyeol’s eyes widen and he makes a small ‘ah’ sound before his face falls into concern. “Kyungsoo, are you really so afraid of being hurt?”

That hurts. It hurts because it’s the answer Kyungsoo _didn’t_ want to hear. He sucks in a breath too fast. “Maybe,” he admits.

Last spring, the only stable relationship Kyungsoo had ever been in dropped like a stone when his boyfriend at the time just told him it was over. “I have to move,” Yifan had told him, like it didn’t really bother him at all, like it wasn't a shock. “So I guess that’s it.” At the time, Kyungsoo had thought that Yifan was just being stoic, not sharing how much he felt like shit, terrible for leaving Kyungsoo and held it away from Kyungsoo’s sight so he didn’t feel more upset than he already did.

After all, when you love something you know how to let it go.

So Kyungsoo swallowed down the scream of protest and let his hand fall from Yifan’s and said “okay.”

That was it. That was the end of it. Kyungsoo never heard from Yifan again. He never cried in front of Yifan, who didn’t really do well with showing emotion himself. He cried on Jongdae after, hand curled in his friends shirt and hiding his face as his shoulders shook and he sobbed because his feelings _hurt_ when they were broken.

Kyungsoo is simple. He likes what he likes and he doesn’t like to be in pain. Kyungsoo didn’t want to think about getting into another relationship with a guy who was courting him because he didn’t want to hurt again.

Falling is scary when you don’t trust anyone enough to catch you.

Yifan was manly. The stereotypical guy who bottled up his feelings, did stuff because it was cool, was stoic and handsome, and wasn’t really all that romantic. He was awkward, and Kyungsoo liked that. He found it endearing, comfortable, and Yifan knew how to just let Kyungsoo be rather than pushing him into stuff or riling him up. Yifan didn't talk a lot, and Kyungsoo never felt pushed to do so either, even keeping quiet when he wanted to speak.

Yifan was ‘manly’, and Kyungsoo liked that.

Sehun isn’t Yifan, and Kyungsoo is scared because right now he keeps getting the same flip-flop in his chest that he did back when he met Yifan. When Yixing was the one gunning for him, it was different. If Kyungsoo’s idea of manly is home base, Yixing isn’t even on the field. Yixing is at the hot dog stand selling rainbow popsicles to blasting hip-hop music. He ended up slamming into Kyungsoo like a curveball and Kyungsoo is kind of glad he did, not because he found himself tripping into tsundere ust for him, but because Kyungsoo maybe isn’t so afraid now.

“So it’s about you using ‘manly’ as a defensive mechanism instead of-“

“No,” Kyungsoo clarifies, frowning and sitting up straighter on his stool. “I also really like manly men. And it’s more of my type. I don’t want to date people like Zitao.” Chanyeol stares. “Not that I don’t think Zitao is nice of I’m saying someone couldn’t love him and he’s bad, but I just, I don’t- I don't like drama or taking care of people unless their friends or I really want to.”

“For someone who doesn’t like drama, you sure just made a lot of it for yourself,” Chanyeol tells him slowly. Kyungsoo presses his lips together, wanting to knot his fingers in his shirt and clench at the writhing in his tummy. Then Chanyeol smiles. “So, what does this have to do with Sehun? Have you suddenly found him manly too and he didn’t like being put into your categories?”

“No,” Kyungsoo says, and feels his face heat. He’s _blushing_. Kyungsoo likes blushing when it’s Jongin being embarrassed or flattered or Sehun being, well, Sehun. He just doesn't like blushing himself. “He’s mad because he thinks I’m leading Yixing on, which I’m not trying to do!” Kyungsoo rushes to the finish seeing Chanyeol open his mouth with a frown. “I do like Yixing, he’s really nice and- and well, he is kind of manly.”

“So you do like him then?” Chanyeol asks, looking confused again. It’s a little weird seeing his face scrunch up in confusion when half of it is painted white.

“Not romantically?” Kyungsoo tries. He feels too tight, wound up and his heart is beating a little too fast. He _really_ doesn’t like talking about this sort of thing, but he needs to. “I mean, I don’t get _feelings_ around him. I just like him. I like hanging out with him and spending time with him and he’s really nice.” Kyungsoo lets out a sigh, thinking to the reassuring and kind touches, the dates he’s been on with Yixing and how Yixing almost beams when he smiles at him.

How he’s come to stop thinking of Yixing as ‘flamboyant’ and instead begun to think how manly he actually is. He now thinks of how Yixing is an interesting and fun and great person. He thinks of how he’s also strong and brave and thoughtful and not scared to show how he feels.

“He- well he’s made me think of other people I think of as manly,” Kyungsoo says.

“Like who?” Chanyeol asks, tilting his head to the side.

“Um,” Kyungsoo bites his lip. The first answer makes his tummy feel like it turns over. “Han, the guy from the soccer team who looks really pretty, like a girl.”

“Well, Han is manly. He did win us the soccer championships last year, and basically decimated in track in the spring. He’s like _the jock_ of the school. Plus, he eats like a tragic accident and punches people if they call him a ‘girl’ by the way, so don’t do that.” Chanyeol blinks at Kyungsoo’s owlish expression. “You didn’t know?”

“I don’t really pay attention to him,” Kyungsoo grumbles in admittance. “But yeah, him and, um, Minseok. And maybe Jongdae and you and,” he takes in a swift breath, and there’s the flip-flop. “And Sehun,” he finishes quietly.

“Did you tell Sehun that?” Chanyeol asks him, frowning now.

“Tell him what?” Kyungsoo asks, because there’s a great many things he just said that he might have told Sehun.

“That you think he’s manly,” Chanyeol clarifies. “Because, well, Sehun might not actually like that.”

“No, I didn’t,” Kyungsoo says, frowning a bit. “And he’s not really entirely manly, there are just manly things about him that I noticed. Like, he’s still sentimental, and really cute, and sometimes lazy but he cares a lot about things, and he is shy about his smile even if it’s really nice. And he is really touchy, and clings to people and gets upset when thing go wrong and worries, but he looks so masculine and he has a great ass. He’s got really stoic and strong and masculine features, and strong broad shoulders and big hands and a deep voice, which is _manly_. He just also really likes to cuddle and talk a lot and ramble and play with my hands and gets excited over baby or romantic stories He likes to lean on people and wrap around them and touch them to show he cares and he bites his lips when he’s nervous or scared or insecure and I…”

Kyungsoo is breathing a little too fast, and he feels warm. Really warm, like all of him is too small for everything that’s suddenly been pulled up inside him, expanding too fast and the friction of it in his body is going to make him spontaneously combust.

He’s going to become a live model for Baekhyun’s half assed biology project.

“He’s manly but he’s not manly and I-“ Kyungsoo’s voice catches, and he looks up at Chanyeol, his hands twisting together in his lap. His breath is too short and yet he can’t take in a full breath, his chest too full to breathe in. “I don’t know what that means.”

“I think,” Chanyeol says slowly after wetting his lips. He speaks slowly, quietly, like he might terrify Kyungsoo if he uses anything but his ‘library level voice’ right now. “And please don’t hit me for saying this, but I think you just told me you might like him as something more than just a very close friend.”

“No I didn’t,” Kyungsoo says hastily, that flip-flop turning right over in his chest so fast he nearly jerks off the stool. “I didn’t say that.”

“But you do, don't you?” Chanyeol prompts, and he doesn’t laugh or smile or tease. He just sits and watches Kyungsoo carefully and patiently as Kyungsoo struggles not to squeeze his hands so hard together they hurt. “It’s okay, you can like him. I’m not going to tell you that you can’t or that it’s wrong because he’s not specifically manly.”

“But he is manly,” Kyungsoo says too quickly, and wants to bite down hard on the words. What if he really does like Sehun? What if he really… “Sehun is manly, and not manly, it’s kind of both. He’s both.”

“Kyungsoo, do you like Sehun because he’s manly though?” Chanyeol asks him quietly, and looks at him imploringly. Kyungsoo’s heart beats too big and he wishes it would stop. “Or do you like Sehun because he’s Sehun?”

“Sehun is…“ Kyungsoo wets his lips and feels vaguely sick, shaking too much to be okay. “He’s Sehun.”

“And you’re Kyungsoo,” Chanyeol says. “You don't have to tell me what you figure out right now, but you do also have to remember that right now, for some reason, you hurt him.”

The image of Sehun’s face twisted in sadness and tight restraint, tears pouring down his cheeks as he’d lashed out and _hurt_ flashes through his mind. The image of his guarded eyes and lowered head and softer voice. How Sehun touches him now but pulls away so fast, like he’s almost been burned. How when he laughs it’s almost strained or hollow. “Yeah,” Kyungsoo says, and lowers his eyes to his hands. “I did.”

“Do you know what it was?” Chanyeol asks gently.

Kyungsoo frowns, staring down at his hands and pushing down the rising feeling in his chest that’s too tight. He focuses on the way his fingers play with each other, his breathing, and wetting his chapped lips that he keeps biting nervously. “He’s mad at me,” Kyungsoo explains quietly. “And also worried, but mostly I think he’s upset because he feels like I’m pushing everyone away by putting them into boxes.”

“Well, he’s not wrong,” Chanyeol says with a soft laugh and Kyungsoo jerks to look up at him. Chanyeol is smiling at him a little sadly. “People don’t like to be told what they are, and it only takes so many times of you telling Baekhyun that he’s a menace before he stops trying to prove you wrong and believes it.” Kyungsoo’s throat aches. “Maybe Sehun wants to mean something more to you than just a label you stick on him.”

“He cares about me a lot,” Kyungsoo admits under his voice, glancing at the counter. It’s littered with make-up containers, scattered with brushes and fabric from costumes for the drama club and plastic containers filled with more shit than Kyungsoo can imagine. It’s all labeled and scattered together without real organization.

Kind of like Kyungsoo’s emotions. Kind of like the world.

Oh.

There is a knock on the door, and Kyungsoo jerks from his moment of contemplation to see it open. Zitao walks in again, looking first at Chanyeol with a smile, then at Kyungsoo, without one. “Can I come in now?” Zitao asks, despite the fact that he’s already in the room.

“Yeah, we kind of finished up,” Chanyeol says, smiling up at him.

“Are you going to apologize?” Zitao demands, his eyes boring into Kyungsoo’s.

“I think so,” Kyungsoo says, because saying ‘I’m still not sure what I’m apologizing for’ may just end him with a fist in his mouth. Kyungsoo likes his teeth where they are.

“You _think?_ ” Zitao asks, eyes narrowing.

“I know,” Kyungsoo says, stronger this time. “I don't like Sehun being upset either, and I want to fix this before it ruins our friendship.”

“Your friendship,” Zitao repeats, and he leans back a bit. “That’s what he is to you?” It sounds almost derisive.

“Sehun and Kyungsoo have been friends since last year,” Chanyeol says quietly, looking up at Zitao with a sort of optimistic expression. “They care about each other a lot.”

“Sehun is one of the best friends I could ever ask for,” Kyungsoo says firmly. “I care about him more than I care about a lot of things. He’s means a lot to me, and I want to fix this.”

For a long moment Zitao stares at him, eyes narrowed and unmoving. “I hope you do,” Zitao says, and then grabs the make up sponge. “Now enough of that, I have to make Chanyeol look pretty.”

Chanyeol grins wide and Zitao lets out a huff at the expression. “I thought I was already pretty.”

“Kyungsoo said that, not me,” Zitao corrects, spreading more white paint down Chanyeol’s skin, painting him like a ghost. “I said you were handsome.”

“Really?” Chanyeol asks, looking hopeful.

“Why do you need to put all this on?” Kyungsoo asks, watching as Zitao slowly transforms Chanyeol’s face into a pallet of white, careful to blend it into his hairline so he looks almost like he’s made of bone. It’s a bit creepy, especially when Chanyeol smiles, like he’s doing right now.

“It’s a mask,” Zitao explains. “It’s a replacement for the older traditional theater masks. The make-up mimics the designs on the masks as well as the traditional make-up of the time. Chanyeol is my model for a modern concept of a Kabuki play I want to do for my Theater final project in December, and I wanted to get the make-up out of the way early.”

Kyungsoo watches as Zitao explains the make-up, getting more and more wrapped into it, avidly gesturing and bouncing a bit. He’s alive with it, with the drama and the action and the energy of it, smiling and letting out giggles and gasping as the simple darker paints make Chanyeol’s whole face change.

“There!” Zitao exclaims when he’s apparently finished. One of Chanyeol’s eyebrows is lopsided, but overall he looks okay. Whole face white and eyes lined in black and red, he blinks, trying to stay still as he smacks almost bloodied red lips. “Done!”

“How do I look?” Chanyeol asks, looking up at Zitao timorously.

“Like a true manly warrior,” Zitao proclaims.

“That’s manly?” Kyungsoo can’t help but to say, looking at the delicate lines of make-up on Chanyeol’s skin.

“Yes,” Zitao says, as if it’s obvious. “It is. Manlier than no make-up at all, as this shows power and status and strength. What did you think?”

“I thought Chanyeol was wearing make-up,” Kyungsoo replies, feeling a little stunned. “I didn’t think that made him manly.”

Suddenly, Zitao is laughing, easy and loud and almost a release of the tensions in the room. “You don’t really know much about being manly, do you?” he asks.

For the first time, Kyungsoo thinks that might be true.

-

**real man**  
A mythological creature that does exist kind of like a unicorn  
 _“A real man provides for his family and stays faithful”_

Often defined as aggressive, strong, and unfeeling or stoic. Being masculine means in modern times, at least, no shows of emotion, no flamboyance, no hugging or even looking at other men, must be interested in sports and physical/violent activity. 

What masculine is is simply what a man does. Assuming responsibility for your actions; being sympathetic, sensitive, and caring; and gentleness are perfectly fine for men. A true man is not a hard-nosed, violent, overgrown child; he's a mature, kind individual.

_“Until the 1800s, men's dress was about as flamboyant as women's dress, and men were allowed to show emotion and tears. But their clothing styles sobered and they were taught to be strong, stoic. Affection was still allowed... but as the world became aware of gays and other sexual minorities, male/male affection was scorned.”_

 

Today is Saturday. There are two weeks until Kyungsoo has to give his presentation on the plague to his class. Mrs. Kwon, when Kyungsoo last checked in with her about his progress on his project, had decided to give him a bit of extra time to present. Most students were given fifteen minutes to present. Kyungsoo was given sixty. He has music and images and demonstrations and props and an agreement with Zitao and Chanyeol to help him with his presentation.

Today is Saturday, and Kyungsoo had turned down a sleepover movie night with Jongdae and Baekhyun because he felt too sick with his stomach in knots. Today is Saturday morning, and Kyungsoo is in his pajamas in the kitchen eating a breakfast he made for himself while Minseok is off at an away game.

Today is Saturday and Kyungsoo is frowning at the wall trying to figure out what he thinks.

It’s nearly the end of October, and it’s raining lightly outside, and Kyungsoo is pretty sure Minseok and Han and the spectators, like Yixing, are drenched outside. It’s nearly the end of October, and Insung is in his room still asleep, having gotten home almost at midnight last night.

It’s nearly the end of October on a Saturday morning and Kyungsoo is frowning at the wall thinking about what it is to be manly.

Kyungsoo knows what manly looks like. Manly looks like Steve Rogers after he’s been turned into a super soldier. Tall, handsome, excellent bone structure, and muscles that could rip through his shirt if he flexed them. Manly is fighting prowess. It’s strong and fearless and abs of steel and hard lines and bull fighting.

Manly is getting into a fight and winning, manly is rugged camping in the mountains. Manly is stubble along the jaw that looks rough and proud and an emphasis on masculine.

Manly is not crying even when sad or hurt or upset. Manly is never showing feelings, it’s getting into bar fights because someone cheated at cards, and it’s considering feelings as a weakness.

Manly is cold and intense and measuring up against each other constantly to prove how much more worthy you are than another.

Manly isn’t something that Kyungsoo is so sure he likes when he really thinks about it. But manly doesn’t mean the same thing to the stereotype that Kyungsoo sits and chews through his mind like he does with his breakfast. Manly means a lot of things.

Manly means Steve Rogers grieving when Bucky falls off the train, it means Cobb keeping his wife in the locked confines of his dreams because he still loves her. It means having feeling but not letting them rule every part of life. Manly means being Romeo, and loving things because they’re important to him. Manly means being Benvolio who is worried about everyone, who is a loyal friend and companion and sees all the fighting as the answer they don’t need. Manly is Kirk sacrificing himself to save his crew because he cares about them and doesn’t have to prove anything but choosing to do what he knows is right.

Manly is…

Kyungsoo frowns at the wall, not really seeing the wall but instead painting in his thoughts.

Manly is Insung trying to come home every weekend, giving up his bed for Hyojin because he cares about her and wants her to sleep well. Manly is…

“Morning,” grumbles softly to him as Insung wanders into the kitchen in just his boxers and his hair standing up everywhere. “You’re up early.”

“It’s ten,” Kyungsoo says in between slow bites of toast.

“Like I said,” Insung mumbles, pulling the milk out of the fridge. “You’re up early.” He smiles tiredly over the refrigerator door at Kyungsoo, showing that he’s teasing him. “What’s up?”

Staring at his cousin, the eldest of his family that Kyungsoo really knows. Kyungsoo doesn’t think about his aunt and uncle as his parents really. They’re never around, always off flashing between countries and doing their job as diplomats. They’re only home sometimes, mostly their presence in the money sent to pay for the rent and the school Kyungsoo and Minseok go to. They pay for the food they eat and call every so often to ask how things are.

Insung has been the eldest of the house, the man of the house, the head of the table for as long as Kyungsoo can remember. He’s a role model, the wisest and eldest, and Kyungsoo has always looked up to him.

“What is manly? I mean, aside from the basics. Like what does it really mean when people talk about being manly?” Kyungsoo asks him. He doesn’t like to bother Insung much, knowing that he’s busy and always nervous anyway to really ask people for help. Kyungsoo is good at taking care of himself, of keeping to himself and quiet. Reaching out hasn’t been a strong suit of his, and he bites his lip as Insung’s eyes widen. 

“Are you still struggling with this?” Insung asks, letting the refrigerator door close with a soft thump, his expression darkening. “Is someone _actually_ messing with you? I know you said they weren’t Kyungsoo, but if they are -“

“No,” Kyungsoo says, putting down his toast. “I’m just- I’m still stuck on what it really means to be manly. To me. A lot of people have been telling me what they think, and I’m not sure what it means anymore.”

Insung sits down opposite him at the kitchen table, looking thoughtful. The dark circles under his eyes and the tired lines in his forehead, matching with the creases of his pillow on his cheek, give him a softer look. Insung looks manly, just like how people would look at Sehun and call him manly.

From appearances.

“Why do you want to know what it means to be manly?” Insung asks slowly, still holding the milk jug.

“I, um, I like manly people,” Kyungsoo says, feeling his face heat slightly. Insung’s eyes widen a little. “I mean, I always thought those were the kind of guys I liked. The manly guys and-“ Kyungsoo sighs, looking down at his eggs and toast, half eaten on his plate. “I don't know what it means anymore, so I’ve been trying to figure it out.”

“Why?”

“Because,” Kyungsoo says, and feels his chest tighten. “I don't think the people I like are manly anymore.”

When he looks up, Insung is looking at him thoughtfully. “Because they don’t look manly?”

“Well, they kind of do,” Kyungsoo says, and thinks of Sehun’s face and Yixing’s extremely masculine body and muscle tone. “They just, well, don’t always act manly. Like the usual manly.”

“Do they have to be manly for you to like them?” Insung asks him, and looks genuinely concerned. Kyungsoo swallows, feeling a small shake in his chest and he isn’t sure he can answer. So he picks up his toast instead, poking his eggs with a corner, biting his lip. “What does it mean to be manly to you?”

“I’m-“ Kyungsoo begins, then stops, staring at his eggs. “I’m not sure anymore.”

A hand suddenly rests on the top of his head, ruffling gently and Kyungsoo looks up to see a soft warm smile on his cousin’s face. He looks fond, so fond of him with caring affection glinting in his eyes as he looks at Kyungsoo. “I think that’s probably the first thing you need to do then,” he says. “Don’t think like everyone else. You don’t need to be like they are, and you’ve always been your own person, marching to your own drum. So why do you have to have the same idea as manly as other people?”

“That’s true,” Kyungsoo agrees, smiling a little as Insung’s hand drops from his hair. “I’m not really like everyone else.”

“And that’s great. Kyungsoo, I don’t know anyone else who would choose to do a biology project on the bubonic plague and get so excited about it that it’s all they can talk about,” Insung says with a laugh. “It’s what makes you wonderful. You’re manly in your own way, so think about what you think is manly. Screw what other people think, what matters is you?”

“I think-“ Kyungsoo begins, a shake in his voice as his heart begins to shiver in his chest.

He’s cut off when Insung lets out a laugh. “You don’t have to tell me what you think,” his cousin tells him. “You just have your own ideas and opinions. You don’t need to tell everyone. Just do what works for you, what you’re comfortable with.”

It takes the pressure off, the insistent pressure against his lungs releasing and Kyungsoo lets out a long breath. Looking up at Insung, he sees him smiling at him, looking almost proud. It makes Kyungsoo feel warm, happy and full and he smiles back. “Thanks,” he says, and his voice almost wavers. He clears his throat, and says it again. “Thanks, for everything.”

“I try,” Insung says with a sort of nonchalant shrug. “I just hope what I say makes sense.”

“It does,” Kyungsoo assures him, and smiles as Insung grabs some coffee and toast, trudging back to his room.

Feeling a bit less panicked and confused, Kyungsoo settles back in his chair.

What does manly mean to Kyungsoo? What does he really think makes a person manly?

What does Kyungsoo really want? What makes him happy?

Slowly slipping his tongue between his lips, Kyungsoo rolls over everything he knows and has thought about. All the conversations with his friends, with Yixing, about the models in society and in the teachings and models he’s seen. He thinks about what makes up the kind of person he wants to be with, what makes up who he is and how he would classify himself as manly.

Manly is…

Manly is Yixing doing a dance team even though people make assumptions and he doesn’t stop because he loves to dance. Yixing is laughing and being cute and working out and cooking food he loves and eating snacks because he likes to indulge every now and then.

Manly is Baekhyun not afraid to joke and tease and push people’s buttons and screaming because he’s terrified of bugs. Baekhyun is not showering because he’s lazy but being meticulous about his hair and fingernails.

Manly is Minseok playing soccer and working out and patiently listening to people when they need his help. Minseok is coming in when Kyungsoo couldn’t sleep and crawling into bed with him and holding him when his nightmares got too scary until he calmed down.

Manly is Zitao who sees how everyone is strong and gets pissed when other people hurt because he cares so much and crying angry or happy tears that screw up his make up. Manly is Jongdae who loves the color pink and takes pride in how well he can dance with his hips and believes in chivalry more than anything.

Manly is Sehun caring so much about his friends and other people that he gets caught up in them more than his own feelings. Sehun is loving to cuddle and listening to people and being kind to other people because it makes him happy. Sehun is Sehun because he’s genuine and heart felt and outspoken and nervous about himself but still stays true to who he is and loves when people call him handsome or adorable and blushes when he gets compliments.

Kyungsoo is Kyungsoo and he’s not any more or less of a person for being who he is, and he doesn’t specifically need to categorize the person he likes as more or less manly to want to be with him.

Manly is Kyungsoo saying fuck being manly because it’s been days and all Kyungsoo can think about is Sehun and how much he misses him.

Manly is doing what’s right. Manly is accepting his feelings and letting himself have feelings and being brave enough to remember what’s important to him.

Manly is learning to cook and provide for himself and keeping a house clean and his assignments in order. Manly is not caring anymore what being manly is and just being himself.

Kyungsoo lets out another long breath, and smiles, for once feeling okay.

-

Kyungsoo has a plan.

It’s a very simple plan, so there isn’t much that can go wrong. There are three parts to it. One – find Sehun. Two – tell Sehun he is sorry and thought about stuff. Three – tell Sehun that he likes him.

There are a few more steps to that but Kyungsoo isn’t really sure what order they are going to fall in, so he’s decided to just stick with the first three steps. Why bother complicating things if they don’t need to be? Feelings are enough trouble without making them complicated with plans and steps to those plans.

It’s a very good plan in Kyungsoo’s opinion. There are other details that Kyungsoo knows he has to think about, like explaining about Yixing and, eventually, talking to Yixing, but he’s got his priorities. In his mind, Sehun is a bit more important than Yixing.

Kyungsoo figures this mostly because Kyungsoo can deal with Yixing not talking to him for a day, where as Sehun still not texting him back has him feeling like he’s going to throw up. That seems like pretty viable grounds for Kyungsoo talking to Sehun first.

It’s a very simple process.

The only complication, Kyungsoo realizes quickly, is actually executing his plan.

“Where’s Sehun?” Kyungsoo asks, walking into the usually little nook they all smash into before first period.

“No idea,” Jongdae says with an ugly yawn. He slumps a bit onto Sooyoung as she reads a book in her lap. “Probably overslept. He hates getting up on time.”

“But classes start in-“

“No one should be awake right now and I am ashamed of all of you,” Baekhyun announces, interrupting Kyungsoo as he drags himself into the nook. He wastes no time before spotting Kyungsoo and promptly flopping onto him. “Mourn me and my exhaustion.”

“Have you seen Sehun?” Kyungsoo asks him instead of shoving him off.

Baekhyun mumbles something that sounds like a demand for food into his neck and Kyungsoo sighs.

Kyungsoo doesn’t find Sehun in first period because Sehun isn’t in Chamber Singers. Jongdae keeps flashing him looks though and even Ryeowook calls him over at the end of class. Kyungsoo kind of resents this, because it takes up all of passing where he could try to hunt Sehun down before homeroom.

“Is everything okay?” Ryeowook asks, looking unnaturally concerned for his younger pupil. “You seemed very different today in class.”

“I just have a lot on my mind,” Kyungsoo says, trying to pull away.

“Ah, yes, young people always do,” Ryeowook says, nodding as if he understands him. “If you ever need something you can always ask.”

“How do I confess to the guy I like?” Kyungsoo asks him, hoping that he’ll either get a very fast answer or Ryeowook will dismiss him immediately.

Unfortunately, all of passing is taken up as Ryeowook seems to take Kyungsoo immediately under his wing and begins to explain how to properly confess. It’s extremely unsettling and sounds nothing like what Kyungsoo would do, which in turn makes him doubt himself and nearly fall out of his chair once he sits down in homeroom.

Chanyeol looks at him in concern as Jongdae laughs himself out of his own chair.

“Is Sehun avoiding me?” Kyungsoo mumbles aloud as he slips in the booth at lunch, looking around and seeing no sign of the other boy. Sehun isn’t even at the other table with Zitao he’d been at last week and Kyungsoo finds himself getting anxious.

“You mean more than he was avoiding you last week?” Chanyeol asks, slipping into the bench opposite him.

“You weren’t supposed to hear that,” Kyungsoo informs him under his breath, opening up his lunch box. He’d packed two lunches today, just in case he could corner Sehun and talk to him over lunch. Possibly get them to sit outside by the picnic tables even though it’s cold so they wouldn’t be interrupted. “I blame your huge ears.”

“All the better to hear you with,” Chanyeol says with a grin that turns feral as he suddenly howls loudly.

“Stop, you’re scaring bunnies,” Jongdae scolds, shifting in to hip check Chanyeol to the side, making room for himself. “Now Jongin and Yixing won’t want to sit with us anymore. They know you’re a predator.”

“I’m not a predator,” Chanyeol says with a soft pout.

“He’s a puppy,” Kyungsoo corrects, shifting to the side as Yixing arrives, easily slipping into the seat next to him.

“I always thought Baekhyun was more like a puppy,” Yixing comments, smiling a bit as he joins the conversation. “Cute and yelping.”

“Baekhyun is far more like a predator,” Kyungsoo says, looking at Yixing and finally remembering. “By the way, he’s been talking obsessively about you. Especially your pecs and thighs. So just, you know, be scared.”

Yixing blinks at him, and his mouth turns into a soft little ‘o’ shape as his cheeks turn a little pink. “Baekhyun does that?”

“Yeah, so just watch out,” Kyungsoo tells him, trying to offer him a reassuring smile. “He’s dangerous.”

“I’ll keep that in mind,” Yixing tells him, but he’s smiling like he’s trying to hold back laughter, eyes dancing.

“How are my favorite people who have food that I don’t today?” Baekhyun sings as he slides into the bench and leans on Jongdae heavily. He bats his eyelashes specifically at Kyungsoo.

“Have you seen Sehun?” Kyungsoo asks him rather than pointedly ignoring him.

“If I tell you will you give me food?” Baekhyun asks him.

Kyungsoo’s heart does a bumpy thing in his chest. “Yes.” He tosses Baekhyun a small bag of baby carrots, knowing Baekhyun won’t give him anything unless he’s been paid.

“I haven’t seen him all day,” Baekhyun says, happily popping a carrot into his mouth and chewing with his mouth open pointedly.

“That’s not- “Kyungsoo huffs, listening to Yixing laugh beside him. “Give me back my carrots.” Baekhyun sticks out his tongue, mashed up chewed food in full view and Kyungsoo immediately grimaces. “Never mind.”

“Thought so,” Baekhyun says delightedly. “What’s new today.”

“Apparently you talk to Kyungsoo about my pecs,” Yixing says and Kyungsoo immediately stiffens, staring at Baekhyun for his reaction. Baekhyun blinks, apparently surprised, and then shrugs, popping another carrot into his mouth as he leans more into Jongdae.

“Well, they’re pretty impressive,” Baekhyun says easily. “Why wouldn’t I talk about them? They deserve to be talked about. Do you come by them naturally or is this all from working out and dancing?”

“Can you please stop squashing me?” Jongdae sighs, trying to shove Baekhyun off as he grins in satisfaction at Yixing’s soft chuckles. “You’re cutting off my circulation.”

“To what?” Baekhyun asks, lolling his head back to look at his friend.

“My soul,” Jongdae dryly informs him before shoving Baekhyun almost out of the booth.

It isn’t until nearly the end of the day that Kyungsoo finally finds Sehun. It's only because he’s found Jongin lurking near the water fountains by the theater that he finds him. He’s barely got his mouth open to ask if Jongin has seen Sehun when the boy in question walks out of the theater.

“Can we make this quick, Jongin? Because I have… to.” Sehun doesn’t finish what he was saying, instead his eyes widening and his mouth snapping closed. He looks exhausted and a little pale. He also looks completely raw, open, and for a moment Kyungsoo feels his pulse jump. Then Sehun’s expression closes down, hardening.

And Kyungsoo feels even worse.

“Hi,” Sehun says, shifting his weight so one of his hips pops a bit, arms coming to cross over his chest. He smiles and it’s empty. “How are you? I haven’t seen you in-“

“Can I talk to you?” Kyungsoo blurts out before Sehun can ramble in that toneless flat voice more. It makes him nervous, and worried, and he has a _plan_. “Please?” he adds, looking into Sehun’s widened eyes. “I’ve been trying to find you all day and-“

“Do we have to talk now?” Sehun asks, cutting him off. He lets out a hasty breath, wetting his pink lips with his tongue and shifting his weight again. “Because I have dance right now and-“

“I can tell Yixing that-“ Jongin begins helpfully.

“I can’t be _late_ ,” Sehun finishes, flashing a glare at Jongin. Jongin looks a bit taken aback, but closes his mouth with a small frowning pout. “Can we talk another time?”

“I really need to talk to you,” Kyungsoo pushes, stepping forward. Stone drops into his gut when Sehun steps back, as if afraid Kyungsoo will touch him, and he’s wetting his lips again. “You haven’t been texting me, and I didn’t see you all weekend, and last week-“

“Maybe another time,” Sehun says, and quickly side steps around Kyungsoo. “I’ll see you in practice, Jongin!”

Kyungsoo is opening his mouth to call that he can wait until after practice to talk, but something tells him that Sehun won’t want to talk then either. It leaves him standing speechless in the hall, staring after Sehun and feeling very empty. The first problem with his plan, he realizes, is that it requires Sehun to _be there_ when he talks to him.

The plan is kind of useless if Sehun isn’t there.

“I just wanted to talk,” Kyungsoo sighs at nothing as he stares after Sehun. Turning, he looks at Jongin. “How-“ he stops to clear his throat “-is he okay?”

“Well, no,” Jongin says honestly. The best thing about Jongin is that he’s blatantly, wonderfully, genuinely honest about almost everything. If Kyungsoo ever needs a real honest opinion, he asks Jongin. Jongin still has that childlike sense of blatant honesty that could be insulting if it’s said to the wrong people. “He’s not really doing that great right now.”

“Because of me?” Kyungsoo asks, even if he knows the answer.

“Well, yeah,” Jongin says, a bit of a conflicted expression on his face. “I mean, he’s been trying really hard to support you, even if he’s not sure what you’re doing. You just have to let him cool down a bit, get his feelings under control.”

“But I want to talk about his feelings,” Kyungsoo says, then frowns. “I mean my feelings.”

“What about your feelings?” Jongin asks. “Don’t you already talk about your feelings with him enough? That’s the whole reason he’s upset.”

“I know,” Kyungsoo sighs, and slumps a little. This is frustrating, and he just wants to talk to Sehun. He’s not really sure what it will do, because all that will happen is that he’ll actually tell Sehun that he has feelings and they kind of center around him. Kyungsoo hasn’t really thought about what will happen after that, but hopefully it will get better. “I just want to stop making him upset.”

“Then you should probably stop taking advantage of his feelings,” Jongin says.

Kyungsoo frowns. “I’m not taking advantage of him.”

“You kind of are,” Jongin says, and frowns too. “I mean, he’s been pushing aside his feelings about you to listen to you sort out yours and it’s-“

“Wait.” Something stutters in Kyungsoo’s chest. “He-“

“And it’s kind of cruel of you to keep using how he feels about you to have him listen to you and-“

“What do you mean how he feels about me?” Kyungsoo demands, feeling angry and also happy and it kind of mixes into sludge that makes it hard to breathe. It gets worse when Jongin looks at him like he’s nuts. “How does he feel about me?”

“He likes you,” Jongin says, as if it were the most blatant thing in the world. Kyungsoo imagines that what he’s feeling right now is similar to how Baekhyun felt that one time Kyungsoo accidentally pushed him off the roof when they were eleven.

“He _what_?” Kyungsoo wheezes, and needs to hold onto something. “He-“

“I thought you knew,” Jongin says, looking shocked and somewhat guilty. Pink blooms over his cheeks, darkening them and he frowns, lower plump lip pushing out. “I thought everyone knew. He’s not exactly subtle about it.”

“No!” Kyungsoo is still wheezing and it sounds awful. “I didn’t know!”

“Oh.” Jongin looks guilty and annoyed that he looks guilty at the same time. “Well,” he fumbles, frowning more and scrunching up his nose. “He does. A lot. And you should stop, um, taking advantage of him.”

“I wasn’t-“ Kyungsoo feels winded, like he’s just been turned upside down for lunch money. “I didn’t _know_.”

Sehun likes him. _Sehun_ likes him and that changes a _whole_ lot of things.

“Well, that’s your fault,” Jongin bumbles, and then sniffs, standing up. “And he’s upset now, because he likes you and he’s been trying not to let his feelings for you get in the way of his friendship with you and how you’re, um, doing other people-things.”

“I’m-“ Then it hits him. Kyungsoo’s fickle behavior with Yixing and how much it bothered Sehun. Kyungsoo’s reliance on Sehun and talking to him all the time about what type was his and Sehun…

Kyungsoo feels like such an ass.

“Seriously, you had no idea?” Jongin asks, and looks a little worried now under his semi-frown.

“No,” Kyungsoo says softly. “I really didn’t.”

-

Kyungsoo scraps the old plan. There are elements of it that he can still use (meaning all of it), but there’s a lot more to think about now.

Mostly, that Sehun likes him. This changes things. All things. It also makes Kyungsoo even more aware now. After Kyungsoo had waited outside the dance room for practice to end, hoping he could catch Sehun, he’d ended up missing his chance. Yixing had stepped out, surprised, and caught him up in conversation enough that Sehun slipped past him.

Jongin had apologized later that afternoon, explaining that he really didn’t know that Kyungsoo had no idea. He also explained that apparently _most_ people knew. Apparently, most everyone also seemed to think that he and Sehun were a kind of ‘thing’. He even mentioned that it was something that bothered Chanyeol and Jongdae, who were apparently far more observant.

This possibly explained why the two of them had so quickly backed off of getting Kyungsoo to warm up with Yixing where as Baekhyun had beaten it into the ground because he’s an ignorant unobservant asshat. It does nothing but make Kyungsoo feel even worse for almost everything, spinning over his conversations with Sehun and feeling acutely guilty.

All the times that Kyungsoo complained about manly stuff, about Yixing, and ignored Sehun. Sehun’s patience, his few flares of emotion, how he would light up around Kyungsoo all fits in with the new information that Sehun has _feelings_ for him.

The good thing is that the following day, Tuesday, Sehun hasn’t vanished off the face of Kyungsoo’s world. He’s right back where he used to be, with their friends and laughing and joking and looking at Kyungsoo and talking to him too. Jongin had helpfully leaned into Kyungsoo’s side and whispered he hadn’t told Sehun that he told Kyungsoo so please don’t worry.

It makes Kyungsoo feel just a little bit better, because at least Sehun won’t act terrified or crushed hopefully.

The only bad thing is that though Sehun is now treating Kyungsoo like he’s not the plague that Kyungsoo is studying, he’s just as distant as he had been last week. It's only through being pushy that Kyungsoo gets Sehun to come by after school on Wednesday to study with him, sprawled on the couch in the apartment with their books open.

It would be fine, and Kyungsoo would hopefully be able to say something, except he’s distracted. Aside from being nervous and not really knowing what to say now (because he likes Sehun and Sehun likes him and how does he even broach something like that?), Sehun won’t come near him.

Literally.

Sehun, whose default state around Kyungsoo is with his arm draped over his shoulder and his fingers resting at the nape of his neck, is keeping at least a two foot distance between them. They’d walked to Kyungsoo’s apartment talking about nothing significant (Sehun had talked at length about wanting a kitten), and Sehun had kept his hands shoved in his pockets, not touching. Sehun hadn’t come with Kyungsoo into the kitchen like he always does, leaning on him and getting in his way as he demands to be fed.

Sehun had even scooted away on the couch when Kyungsoo sat down near him, his long legs folding up under him. Kyungsoo notices it all. The way Sehun somehow twists himself into strange angles just so he won’t touch him, how he keeps his fingers picking and tugging at his clothing or mouth to keep them busy. He notices how much Sehun used to touch him before because he _doesn’t_ touch him at all now.

It's so frustrating Kyungsoo almost throws his books to the ground and stands up to go over to him and just sit on him. That would probably get his attention, though it may also make Kyungsoo pass out from shock from having done something so drastic.

“Is Insung coming home this weekend?” Sehun asks quietly, chewing his lip. He’s got his fingers in his hair, twirling his long bangs around them as he tries to focus on his work.

“He was home last weekend,” Kyungsoo says, feeling odd talking about this. Usually, Sehun would know because they’d have either had movie weekend or Sehun would have complained about not having it for hours or in thirty text messages. It makes Kyungsoo’s breaths hurt.

“Oh,” says Sehun, and tucks his legs a bit more under him.

The space between them is just a couch cushion, but Kyungsoo feels like it’s so much bigger than that. It’s like they don’t know how to talk anymore, and Kyungsoo just wants to pull down whatever it is between them and have Sehun crawl to wedge into his side again. He wants to have Sehun back.

Getting up, Kyungsoo takes a brief respite to grab some snacks from the kitchen, grabbing a few drinks. Just as he’s bringing them back, the door opens and Minseok and a few of his friends walk in.

“Practice let out early,” Minseok explains as he passes Kyungsoo on his way into the kitchen. “Apparently coach thinks I drive the team too hard.”

“You literally drove Dongwoo’s head into the mud,” laughs Han, hopping a bit as he follows Minseok into the kitchen. “I’d say that's some pretty hard driving. Sup shortie!”

“Han, just because people are shorter than you are doesn’t mean you can-“ sighs from the other young man walking in. Kyungsoo recognizes him as the Junior class president.

“Sure I can!” Han says defiantly. “I call you shortie. It’s like a term of honor for all those cuties shorter than me.”

“I’m not cute,” Kyungsoo says automatically.

“Yes, you are,” calls Sehun’s voice from the couch in the living room.

Usually, Kyungsoo would frown and dismiss himself silently to go shove Sehun’s giggling face into the pillows. Now, Kyungsoo’s heart squeezes and he wants to go hug him. Apparently this is what feelings do to him.

“I’m gonna go sit with the kid who speaks literally,” says Han, giving a sort of firm nod before sauntering off to the living room.

“I’m sorry he’s so rude,” apologizes the Junior class president, offering Kyungsoo a smile that looks almost sympathetic (or pained). “Really, I’ve tried to tell him to be more polite.”

“Han wouldn’t know how to be polite to the people he knows if they tried to beat it into him with an anvil,” Minseok says, emerging from the kitchen holding snacks of vegetables and fruits. “Can you help me with these, Junmyeon?”

Han, Junmyeon, and Minseok all take up residence in the living room as well. Minseok and Junmyeon had asked both Kyungsoo and Sehun if they minded before settling down. It leaves Kyungsoo with the middle couch cushion beside Sehun which he takes eagerly.

It’s a little hard to study with Han making constant commentary about his history notes and Junmyeon chastising him for not paying enough attention in the class. It’s a lot harder to study when Kyungsoo can almost feel the warmth of Sehun at his side, and yet Sehun, who is usually so proactive in touching, is curled up away from him. Kyungsoo can hear his own breathing as he keeps glancing at Sehun beside him.

Sehun, who hasn’t turned the page of his literature book for the last twenty five minutes, fingers continuously curling the top corner of the page. Sehun, who is frowning at his book with his bottom lip pulled between his teeth. When Minseok makes a comment about a particular event they’ve been studying, Kyungsoo takes in a deep breath and reaches for the vegetables.

Popping a stick of cucumber into his mouth, Kyungsoo leans back into the couch, slipping to the side a bit and letting his hand fall to his side. He leans into Sehun, feeling him stiffen at the contact, and bites down the nervous rushing that jitters up him. Unfamiliar and new and really, unfortunately, wonderful. Leaning in a bit more, he wedges his head against Sehun’s shoulder and lets out a bit of a sigh.

_This_ is normal, and a soft feeling of comfort washes over him gently, letting him ease a bit, muscles unclenching as he sags a bit more into Sehun beside him. He doesn't realize it until he hears the soft exhale, but Sehun is doing it too, finally unwinding all the tightly curled tension and letting himself lean into Kyungsoo as well. There isn’t any resistance when Kyungsoo shifts his hand to hook into Sehun’s, pulling them together and pushing Sehun’s hand open with his fingers. It pulls a contented sigh from him, feeling warm and comfortable and okay as he traces the soft skin of Sehun’s palm and feels Sehun lean back into him as well.

_Finally_.

It isn’t the conversation Kyungsoo should have with him, or clearing up what’s going on in Kyungsoo’s head or heart or other things. But it’s something, and Kyungsoo is smiling without realizing it when he blinks slowly and can finally concentrate on his reading homework in front of him. He notices Junmyeon’s eyes resting on him briefly, but doesn’t feel strange or annoyed or awkward, because it’s _okay_.

It’s finally okay, and Kyungsoo feels like he’s finally happy and this is fine and when he looks up at Sehun beside him-

Sehun has a small frown on his face, his lower lip pulled between his teeth, and his eyes are shining. Sehun doesn't look happy, even if there is a soft cute pink blush on his cheeks, transforming his handsome face to look younger. The look that flickers in Sehun’s eyes isn’t happy or excited or content.

It’s guilty.

And that’s not at all what Kyungsoo wanted to have happen from this. He’s right back at square one, where he has no idea what to say or do, and all his feelings get in the way.

Because Sehun probably feels guilty for indulging in his feelings while thinking that Kyungsoo has feelings for someone else that isn’t him and Kyungsoo doesn't know how to just tell him that’s wrong without it getting complicated.

Somehow, it’s always complicated, and Kyungsoo isn’t good at figuring out stuff that’s complicated when it’s his feelings.

✏


	4. Fourth Period:  The End is in Sight

**Friendship**  
A bond between two people  
 _Friendship is like peeing in your pants. Everyone can see it but only you can feel it’s warmth._

 

The only competition Kyungsoo has ever really been in are ones where he can’t see the other competitors. Sports were never really his thing, and fighting to win a game wasn’t ever really what he got in. He left that sort of thing for Minseok to take care of, and Kyungsoo only got competitive when he was defending his lunch from his friends. Then and perhaps when he and Jongdae and Baekhyun are playing cards, but that’s mostly because Jongdae is a filthy cheat and Baekhyun tries to make up rules.

As a result of this, Kyungsoo doesn’t often get what are referred to as ‘pep talks’ and never truly understood the significance of them. He knows that Minseok gives them to his team and he knows Minseok gets them from Han and Junmyeon. He knows especially Junmyeon gives them, specifically from watching him study with the other two a few days ago when Han had started complaining about college applications and Minseok had snapped at him to shove it. It had been Junmyeon that came in and smoothed over the ruffled feathers and ended up getting them back on task.

Kyungsoo likes Junmyeon, mostly because he’s both incredibly nice but also apparently rules everyone around him with an iron fist. It almost makes him want to approach the Junior Class President and ask him for a pep talk, even if he doesn’t really know Junmyeon, because he feels like for the first time in his life he needs one.

As it is, Kyungsoo ends up spending the school day fidgeting with his pens and finally breaking down. His phone is full of texts to people, and Kyungsoo keeps nervously checking it. Lunch had been an awkward affair of Yixing sitting with him with an arm around him shoulders and smelling like lilac as Kyungsoo tried not to lean into him too much.

It had all gone incredibly well considering, and Sehun ended up almost back to his old joking and laughing self when Yixing was telling stories. Kyungsoo had almost forgotten that Yixing and he had a ‘thing’ going on right up until he was laughing at something Chanyeol said and felt the soft brush of lips against his cheek.

At which point everything went crashing to hell because Yixing had just kissed him on the cheek as casually as if it happened all the time. Kyungsoo didn’t really have a good excuse to chew Yixing out for it, especially when, to Yixing, he hadn’t done anything _wrong_. Sehun hadn’t spoken much through the rest of lunch, and Kyungsoo wanted so badly to reach out to him right then and there and say it’s not what he thinks it is because Kyungsoo doesn’t _like_ Yixing like that.

It made the rest of lunch incredibly awkward, especially with Jongin staring at him fixedly almost the entire time as Baekhyun kept making vague sexual comments. Chanyeol had looked disappointed and Jongdae…

Jongdae had just looked at him like he wanted to say something but knew that saying it at lunch would be a bad idea and wisely kept his mouth shut. He fortunately didn’t act like he was upset or annoyed or judging. Kyungsoo doesn’t need judgment right now, which is why during fourth period literature he ends up leaning into Jongdae beside him and asking him to come study after school.

Kyungsoo needs a pep talk, because he has a lot of shit to deal with and is slightly scared shitless about it.

“So am I really here to help you with your plague project or is this me being asked to stage an intervention?” Jongdae asks, dropping his backpack next to the couch before toppling onto it. “Because if it’s the plague project, I flat out refuse. You dug yourself that mass grave and I’ll have no part of it.”

“No,” Kyungsoo says. He fidgets, not sure if he should sit down in one of the chairs or force Jongdae to share the couch with him. “I’m- I need a pep talk.”

For a moment, Kyungsoo thinks Jongdae is going to laugh at him, the surprised look on his face a flinch away from horrible braying laughter. Then, as Kyungsoo’s heart begins to speed up, Jongdae sits up, reaches for him, and tugs him down onto the couch with him.

Jongdae never snuggles people like they would expect him to. Jongdae snuggles people like a child burrows themselves into their parents side, wrapping his arms around them and holding on and tugging them closer until they have to just release and let him hold them. It’s not at all what might be perceived as protective, but somehow it makes Kyungsoo feel safer than anything.

Jongdae doesn’t really give him the option of not being touched or understanding that he’s there for him. He just imposes himself so that you _know_ he’s there and listening and supporting you. It might be a little clingy, but Kyungsoo knows as soon as Jongdae’s arms wrap around his waist and he’s tugged back into his side that Jongdae is there for him.

“I think you need to tell me what I’m supposed to be giving you pep for,” Jongdae says with a bit of a sigh. It ruffles Kyungsoo’s hair. “I mean, I could give you just a random pep talk, but it wouldn’t be as awesome.” His fingers splay against Kyungsoo’s side, and Kyungsoo lets out his own sigh, relaxing a bit more into Jongdae. “Unless you’re going to talk about being manly again, in which case get off my lap.”

That pulls a chuckle from Kyungsoo. “No, not manly stuff,” he says, smiling a little even as his heart beats too loud. “I’m having problems with Yixing.”

“You didn’t seem to have problems with him at lunch today when he kissed you,” Jongdae says blandly. Kyungsoo grimaces and Jongdae makes a small sound. “Unless you didn’t want him to kiss you. Or he doesn't know that at all.”

Kyungsoo wets his lips, trying to figure out how exactly the get into the topic without just bluntly stating information about himself. “I don’t want to hurt him,” he finally says, staring at Jongdae’s knees next to his. “He’s really nice, and a good person, and I don’t dislike him I just…”

“It’s okay not to be attracted to someone even if you really do like them,” Jongdae tells him gently. “If you tell Yixing you’re not ready or not sure yet, I’m sure he’ll understand. He’s a really great guy, which I’m glad you finally let yourself see, and he does like and care about you.” Kyungsoo shifts, feeling something writhe uncomfortably in his gut. “Unless that's not the reason.”

“I do like him I just-” Kyungsoo pauses to inhale and feels Jongdae give him a reassuring little squeeze. “I’m not going to like him more than a friend.”

“That’s okay, you know,” Jongdae tells him quietly. “You just kind of need to tell him that so he stops kissing you.”

“Today was the first time that’s happened,” Kyungsoo says, feeling oddly grumpy about it. He didn’t at the time, but he’d so wanted to reach up like a kid might and wipe off the feeling of Yixing’s lips on his skin.

“Really?” Jongdae sounds oddly surprised. “He’s always been so affectionate with you though. Well, with a lot of people. Like, I know that he likes to tease Han and make him sit on his lap and he-“ Jongdae stops himself and stills slightly. “Oh.” Kyungsoo turns to look at him, frowning a bit as Jongdae doesn’t elaborate on that ‘oh’ at all.

Beside him, Jongdae is frowning as if in the middle of figuring out a complicated math equation. As soon as he catches Kyungsoo’s look though he shakes himself, offering a smile. “What?”

“Nothing,” Jongdae says with a smile. “So why else is it bad if Yixing is kissing you? Aside from him having cooties and you not actually being in punch-drunk love with him.”

“I’m-“ Kyungsoo breathes in deep. “I think I have feelings for someone else.”

“So this is like some sort of messed up love triangle,” Jongdae hums, sounding more amused than anything. “Or square, depending on how you look at it.”

“Squares have four sides,” Kyungsoo tells him, frowning.

“And a circle has none,” Jongdae replies smoothly. He sighs against Kyungsoo, not letting go even as Kyungsoo’s frown tugs a bit more down. “So Yixing kind of likes you and you don’t like him because you like someone else who may or may not like you.”

“He likes me,” Kyungsoo says, and resists the urge to squirm. Rather than squirming, he lets himself go limp, sagging into Jongdae. It feels exactly like all those horrible romantic teen movies that Kyungsoo hates being sat through at Baekhyun’s house, where people sit around talking about their feelings and mooning over their crushes.

“Impressive,” Jongdae says. “You really did your homework on this one.”

“I don't think this has anything to do with homework,” Kyungsoo sighs. “The problem is,” he says, then takes in a deep breath, trying to fill the space in his chest that keeps flip-flopping in nerves. “I don’t really want to lose Yixing as a friend, because I do like him, but I don’t want to hurt him. And…”

“But you really like the other guy,” Jongdae murmurs for him. “And it probably hurts him to see you with Yixing. Like, a lot.” Kyungsoo just nods. He rolls over a bit so he can fit a bit easier in Jongdae’s side, enough to press his face into Jongdae’s shoulder like he did back in the spring, and hide. It’s easier, nicer to just feel Jongdae cuddling and holding him easily, letting him ground himself for just a moment.

“I don’t know what to do,” Kyungsoo mumbles into the fabric of Jongdae’s sweater.

“Actually, I think you do,” Jongdae tells him, a hand running gently up and down his side in a soothing manner. “I think you’re just afraid to do it.”

“You’re really shitty at pep talks,” Kyungsoo grumbles, keeping his eyes closed as he burrows further into Jongdae’s shoulder. “This is supposed to be helpful.”

Jongdae lets out a soft laugh, shaking with it against him and Kyungsoo bites his lip gently. If he hurts Yixing by telling him that he’s been leading him on, Kyungsoo is going to feel bad. He already feels bad because it feels like he’s been using Yixing’s feelings for him to keep him as a friend, which is kind of true. He feels even worse because he’d apparently been using Sehun’s feelings for him without knowing and Sehun has been kind of a punching bag for all of Kyungsoo’s angst about things with Yixing.

Sehun doesn’t deserve that, and Kyungsoo is pretty sure him going up and saying ‘by the way, I have feelings for you and not Yixing so let’s do things’ isn’t really going to go down that well. Sehun deserves better than someone who can’t even see how much he cares.

When Kyungsoo thinks about it like that, he realizes that by all definitions of manly, he’s not at all. He’s just a jerk.

“I am being helpful,” Jongdae tells him. “I’m sitting here with you and listening to you try to figure out your feelings. Which, I can assure you, is a very noble thing. You suck at feelings.”

“I know,” Kyungsoo almost moans before catching himself.

“You really must feel like shit,” Jongdae observes. “But you’re not going to stop feeling like shit until you sort things out with both Yixing and Sehun.”

“Yeah,” Kyungsoo sighs, and then stills. Pulling back from Jongdae abruptly, Kyungsoo stares at him. “How did you know it was Sehun?”

“Because I’m a wizard,” Jongdae tells him sarcastically, and then lets out a stupid sort of laugh. “Kyungsoo, I have eyes. I’m not that blind. No one is. Well, except maybe Sehun, who seems to have on blinders or something entirely based on guilt about how self indulgent he is around you.”

“Self indulgent?”

“Kyungsoo, his priority seat is in your lap and you _let_ him sit there,” Jongdae says almost exasperatedly. “I swear, if Sehun really wanted to just let you go and harbor his one sided love story, he wouldn’t spend most of his time with you trying to pet you. And you _let_ him do it.” Kyungsoo wets his lips, feeling warm and jittery and inhuman. “Kyungsoo, it takes until you’re basically about to emotionally crack before you’ll let someone that close. Like me, for example, or Chanyeol or Baekhyun.”

“Baekhyun would just make fun of me,” Kyungsoo says.

“Only because he has no other idea how to get you to tell him stuff and he’s too afraid to let his guard down,” Jongdae retorts. “At least I’m the fearless one in the group.”

“I thought you were afraid of water,” Kyungsoo says, frowning.

“I went water skiing last summer to fix that,” Jongdae says flippantly. “Problem solved and fear faced.” He smiles brilliantly, and Kyungsoo thinks that maybe he really has been missing so much with all his big ideas and boxes for people. Despite everything, Jongdae may just be the manliest person he knows. “So now it’s time to face your fears.”

“I can sleep in the dark,” Kyungsoo says, frowning and trying to push down the shivers and jumps in his pancake heart.

Jongdae practically giggles, reaching up to poke Kyungsoo in the chest before splaying his hand over the center of Kyungsoo’s chest, right over his heart. “I’m talking about your feelings, and how you keep running from them. I think that’s why Sehun keeps getting so upset with you, because you keep running from all of them, even the ones where you’re happy.” He hums a bit, looking thoughtful. “I think that might be why he keeps trying too, because he sees you so happy when you two are together, and he really just wants you to be happy.”

“What about him?” Kyungsoo asks, and his voice comes out thick, like it’s dragging through the muck and mire of feelings inside him. He isn’t sure what feeling it is exactly, but overall it just makes him feel really heavy and shivery.

“Yes,” Jongdae says, and presses his hand gently against Kyungsoo’s chest. “What about Sehun?”

“I want him to be happy too,” Kyungsoo says, frowning because shouldn’t that be obvious?

“So I think that’s your answer to your dilemma,” Jongdae says, and smiles again, his hand still running soothingly up and down Kyungsoo’s back. “See? You just needed to figure out what you really want, rather than thinking about what everyone else wants.”

“But-“ Kyungsoo takes a swift shaking breath, and feels a soft sort of roll in his chest against Jongdae’s warm hand. “What if Sehun says no?”

“Would you rather keep hiding from all of this and never know if he’ll say no or not?”

“No.”

“Then stop figuring out ways to hide and get more concerned about other people and things,” Jongdae tells him. “The Romans didn’t make an empire by sitting around and hoping people would just come surrender to them. They did it by going out and taking chances.”

“I thought they did it with militia and superior military strategy,” Kyungsoo says.

“Kyungsoo, you’re ruining my metaphor,” Jongdae almost whines at him, sagging a bit against him.

“How is that a metaphor?”

“Analogy,” Jongdae corrects haughtily. “Or just example. Look, did you get the point?”

“If I don't take the risk I’ll never conquer Europe?” Kyungsoo tries.

“As long as you’re aware that Sehun is Europe, then yes, that’s exactly what I meant,” Jongdae tells him happily. “Except, like, don’t conquer him. Just … renaissance him. Tastefully. Though, I mean, you can just go up and sit on him or something and tell him you’re claiming him in your name. Give it a go and see if he is game for that sort of thing.”

“I think that might be a bit extreme,” Kyungsoo says, voice a little tight as he pictures just walking up to Sehun and sitting on him. He can almost picture Sehun’s eyes widening in shock, his pink lips opening in a gasp as he looks at Kyungsoo with a soft blush painting his cheeks. He can imagine that Sehun would put his hands on his hips in shock, not gripping but just lightly resting against Kyungsoo’s waist, waiting for some explanation as to why Kyungsoo is sitting on him, his breaths coming just a little shorter.

Kyungsoo swallows very stickily and takes a deep breath.

“Sometimes extremely measures are necessarily,” Jongdae muses as Kyungsoo leans back to settle against Jongdae’s side again. He can feel his heart fluttering a bit more, and this time when he tries to put up Yixing and Sehun in his mind as a comparison, all he can see is Sehun. The flip-flop tumbles so hard it makes his breath catch. “Just make sure not to do them in public.”

“You’re good at this stuff,” Kyungsoo comments finally after a long pause. Jongdae hums to show he’s listening and that Kyungsoo probably needs to specify what he’s talking about. “The feelings stuff.”

“I’ve had a lot of practice,” Jongdae says loftily. “Being best friends with you and Baekhyun does that. Also being totally okay with myself and knowing how I feel about the people I like.”

Kyungsoo glances over at him, suddenly a bit more aware of Jongdae’s hand on his side as it smoothes up his back. He’s not used to having to _think_ about how people around him might mean something else with their actions. He hadn’t thought about it with Sehun until it became extremely relevant, and the only reason he’d been so aware of it with Yixing was because he knew right off the bat. And now…

Kyungsoo wets his lips, hoping that he’s not fucking up _again_ because Jongdae had mentioned a love square before and if Jongdae is a side, Kyungsoo is really going to feel like shit.

“Do you…” he begins and trails off. It feels too rude to just accuse Jongdae of liking him.

Turning to him with a sort of bemused expression on his face, Jongdae has his eyebrows raised and looks entirely unruffled. Upon catching the concerned and hesitant and dreading look on Kyungsoo’s face, his eyes widen and the next second he’s burst out laughing. “No,” Jongdae says between laughs. “No, Kyungsoo. Don’t flatter yourself. I’m taken.”

Eyes widening, Kyungsoo leans back to look at his smiling friend fully. “You- you’re-“

“Now we’re done talking about your feelings, can we please look at the bio homework?” Jongdae transitions with a cock of his head. “Because I seriously have no idea how I’m going to present about Yellow Fever in fifteen minutes.”

“Do you need more time?” Kyungsoo asks. Jongdae is presenting on the same day as Kyungsoo, which means if he needs more time, it’ll cut into Kyungsoo’s presentation. Kyungsoo has been having trouble fitting everything he wants into his presentation time slot as it is.

“No,” Jongdae almost whines, and then his eyes get a little gleam in them. “Think you could run over on your time a bit?”

A smile tugs at the corner of Kyungsoo’s lips. “I’ll see what I can do,” he says loftily, but smiles full when Jongdae flops on him in a bone crushing hug, gushing his thanks. “I owe you, I guess,” Kyungsoo murmurs as Jongdae wraps his arm around his middle and squeezes tight.

“That's what friends are for,” Jongdae says, finally retreating back to his own space on the couch. “That and beating your ass at video games.” He grins wide and happily.

“After homework,” Kyungsoo tells him with a smile.

“Spoil sport,” Jongdae sighs, but still is grinning. He pulls his homework into his lap and leans against Kyungsoo, the silent steady support that Kyungsoo lets himself lean back into and just feel okay.

He’s okay, and Kyungsoo is going to make everything else okay. He finally knows what he wants, and it doesn't have any other label or type or style than what his heart gives it. The heart never labels or judges, and this time, Kyungsoo knows that it’s the correct idea.

-

When Kyungsoo was finishing up his years of middle school, he decided to audition for the high school Chamber Singers. Not only was this not usually allowed, no one in years prior had really ever done it. The high school music department was well known all through the district, even the state. The Chamber Singers were very selective, the choir director very young but exceptionally talented.

It was a general rule that Chamber Singers was audition only, and no freshmen were allowed.

So when Kyungsoo advocated for himself in Ryeowook’s office, trying to persuade the crisp and clean looking man before him with a pinched proper expression, he wasn’t calm and collected. He was scared shitless.

What Kyungsoo values about himself is that while internally he could be having a mental breakdown, externally he doesn’t show it blatantly. He learned a long time ago how to keep his body and face controlled as he internally floundered, and auditioning for Ryeowook in his office had left Kyungsoo feeling jittery with nerves for hours after.

It’s something he likes to call ‘delayed anxiety’ in which he feels the true stress of the event after it occurs. Typically, Kyungsoo manages to shove down enough of his apprehension about something prior to it that while it’s actually happening, he’s relatively numb. The crashing anxiety and shaking hands and racing heart don’t set in until it’s all over, and then Kyungsoo can go and breathe heavily at a wall to calm down.

It’s because of this that Ryeowook frowns at him and clicks his tongue when Kyungsoo sings solos that should be passionate and laced with emotion. Kyungsoo is too focused on not messing up, his nerves set on lockdown, to focus on what he’s supposed to be feeling for the song. Kyungsoo can’t feel anything because when he does, it’s overwhelming and he has to sit down and be very quiet for a while to get himself back under control.

Kyungsoo doesn’t need to get ‘amped up’ for things. He needs to ‘amp down’ or else he won’t be able to get through them. So on Tuesday when he walks into the choir room with a scarf wrapped around his neck to keep out the cold, he shakes his head at Jongdae’s inquisitive stare.

“Not yet?” Jongdae asks, looking vaguely concerned over his tired.

“Today,” Kyungsoo says, and pushed down the nervous bubble in his throat. “I’m going to talk to him today. I promise.”

“You don’t have to promise me,” Jongdae says loftily. “But thanks for thinking I needed the reassurance.”

“I’m promising myself,” Kyungsoo informs him.

“Good for you,” Jongdae congratulates with a wide grin. “Doing your own pep talks all by yourself now. So cute.”

Kyungsoo almost corrects him that he’s not cute, but then Ryeowook is striding into the room, his hair parted down the middle in dramatic curtains away from his face, and singing at the top of his lungs.

Later.

Later turns into after lunch when Kyungsoo had been _sat on_ by Yixing as Baekhyun demanded to sit with them and shoved him there. Yixing had looked apologetic and Kyungsoo had struggled for a good ten minutes with where to put his hands.

His phone had buzzed beside him and he’d opened up the message to feel his heart slam into the back of his throat.

_You know, I thought it was funny once when Baekhyun called you squishy but this is just really pushing it._

When Kyungsoo looks up, Sehun is looking across the table from him with a sort of tentative apologetic smile. He has Jongin wedged on his lap and the other boy argues with Chanyeol about something to do with anime basketball boys, and Kyungsoo smiles shakily at him. He takes a deep breath.

_I don’t mind if it’s you though_ he types back and even if Sehun has sat on his lap a hundred times, it doesn’t make his heart jump like it does now. Even if Sehun is not, in fact, sitting on Kyungsoo.

Kyungsoo watches as Sehun glances down at his phone, reads the message, and then stops chewing his sandwich. His paler cheeks flush pink and he immediately sucks his lower lip into his mouth, wiggling a bit in his seat. He must read the message about four times before he looks back up at Kyungsoo, a sort of confused conflicted smile on his face.

Kyungsoo thinks for a moment that when he watches Sehun typing on his phone for a while that the message is for him. Thus he’s confused and disappointed when all he gets back from Sehun is a simple _okay_ before the end of lunch bell rings and they all have to leave.

Kyungsoo is barely out of the booth, having been pinned there as Baekhyun refused to stop asking Yixing about his music, when a familiar figure is striding up. He’s missed Sehun by a long shot, and frowns when Zitao demands to see him and ends up out huffing Baekhyun’s attempt at a sassy comeback.

“Don’t look at me in that tone of voice, I’m not the one propositioning two people with my bad fashion,” Zitao scoffs when Baekhyun has the courage to look affronted. “You’re wearing plaid and corduroy,” he explains at Baekhyun expression. “I have to talk to Kyungsoo.”

“Why?” Yixing is frowning, looking almost worried as he glances back at Kyungsoo.

“Because at least he dresses well,” Zitao says as if it were obvious. “I have to pick his bones.”

“Isn’t it you have a bone to pick with him?” Yixing asks, looking confused.

“No, I don’t like using linguistic devices unless I’m being romantic,” Zitao explains curtly. “I mean it in the literal sense in that if Kyungsoo doesn’t talk to me right now, I’m going to pick his bones until he gives me one.”

“That’s,” Baekhyun says slowly, observing Zitao warily. “Disconcerting.”

“Abstract,” Zitao tells him loftily. “Now move.”

Kyungsoo is going to be late for chorale. Ryeowook is going to frown at him and Jongdae is going to whisper at him for fifteen minutes while poking him in the side and yet Kyungsoo follows Zitao out of the cafeteria towards the classrooms.

“I don’t know-“ Kyungsoo begins, feeling that stagnated apprehension beginning to twine in his gut when Zitao rounds on him.

“Yes,” Zitao says sharply, glaring. “You know exactly why I’m dragging you out of your cozy little boy pile. Would you just _stop_ already?”

Kyungsoo lets out a short hot breath. “Stop what?”

“Stop! With the whole saying shit to Sehun that you _know_ isn’t innocent,” Zitao verbally berates. “You can’t just _say_ stuff to him that makes him think you like him and then _do_ a completely different thing because, you know what? He notices. He’s _always_ noticed and you can only play with him so much before you break him and I-“

“I’m not trying to play with him!” Kyungsoo finally bursts out, interrupting Zitao as he’d begun to pace and Kyungsoo’s ears has begun to ring as Zitao’s words hit hard and angry. “I’m not trying to lead him or give him the wrong idea and-“

“Then stop doing it!” Zitao yells, glaring. “Damn me for trusting Chanyeol when he said you were going to fix it, because you know what? You didn’t! You spend one second acting like you _care_ about him and like he means something to you and he thinks for a second that he has a chance. And then you go and let other boys kiss you and adore you and then-“

“I’m-!”

“Then when he finally decides to try to let you go so you can be fucking _happy_ you go and drag him right back down!” Zitao’s voice cracks and he’s crying, eyes angry and Kyungsoo never realized someone could cry angry tears. Not like this.

“I’m sorry,” Kyungsoo says, and it grates from him painfully. Then his eyes are burning too and his throat hurts as it tightens. “I’m sorry, I’m so sorry. I didn’t want to hurt him, I’ve never meant to hurt him and I don’t _want_ to hurt him I just-“

“You just what?” Zitao snarls, showing no mercy even as Kyungsoo knows the heat on his face is because he’s actually crying. “You _what_ , Kyungsoo?”

“I care about him too!” Kyungsoo confesses and his voice is so quiet but it’s finally out there. “I hate that I’m hurting him and I’m trying to make it better and I _do_ want to be with him and I’m sorry. I’m sorry because I didn’t know before and it was stupid. I was stupid. All of it was stupid and Sehun is stupid too but that doesn’t mean I don’t care about him any less.”

Zitao is staring at him hard, looking guarded and skeptical. “You _really_ care about him.”

“I’m trying to tell him that!” Kyungsoo says, and hates how on edge he feels, like he’s shaking right at the pier of a dock and can see his emotions roiling under him like the black dark depths of the ocean. “I want him to be happy and I want to be happy and I’m not _trying_ to hurt him I’m trying to tell him I love him.”

That has his mouth snapping shut, his whole body stiffening and his eyes widening. That feels… well it sounds a bit shocking but it also feels oddly fitting even if it’s not the dramatic ‘Romeo, Romeo where for art thou Romeo’ irrational heart pounding and knees knocking…

Or maybe it is that because Kyungsoo kind of feels like he’s drowning.

Zitao is staring at him, eyes significantly wider now and his cold expression is very much dropped. He swallows, shifts his weight, and stares at Kyungsoo for a moment. Unsure as to whether he’s said the right thing or not, Kyungsoo tries to swallow down a dry throat and contend with what’s just come out of his mouth.

Now is probably not the time to question the sincerity of his feelings. Then again, the last time Kyungsoo had tried to over analyze his feelings and what they meant to someone, Sehun had told him he had no idea what he was doing.

He’s right. Kyungsoo is sixteen, in high school, and has no fucking idea what it really means to be in love probably, but this is probably the closest he’s going to get to explaining it. It feels so much like that warmth he’d felt back with Yifan, and Kyungsoo isn’t really going to devalue himself anymore just because he ‘may not know what he’s talking about.”

“You do?” Zitao asks him, and doesn’t sound so pissed anymore.

“Well, as much as any sixteen year old can be in love with someone,” Kyungsoo says, and as soon as he says it now, it feels like a huge weight is gone. Exhausted, he slumps back, feeling like his skeleton has been rearranged.

Somehow it makes breathing easier.

“Are-“ Zitao coughs lightly to clear his throat. “Are you going to tell him?”

“Yes,” Kyungsoo says firmly, pushing that firmness into himself to give him some of the strength he needs. “Once I figure out how.” When Kyungsoo looks up, Zitao is nodding, as if what Kyungsoo has said has appeased him. “Happy?”

“Yeah,” Zitao says, and smiles. It does a dramatic change to his face, making him look far less intimidating and Kyungsoo is reminded of how excited he’d been over make-up and drama. “Yeah, you’re okay. We can be friends.”

“ _Friends_?” Kyungsoo mimics, staring at him. He still feels a bit worn out, like Zitao has just pulled out all his bones out as he’d initially threatened to do.

“Well, yeah,” Zitao says, scoffing like it had been obvious. “I mean, Sehun is my best friend, so if you’re actually going to stop smacking your two idiotic heads together and actually be in love then we’re going to have to be friends.” He is still smiling, and he looks far less offended by Kyungsoo now. Which is definitely a good sign. “So that means you can’t insult my make-up or my clothing.”

“Okay,” Kyungsoo says, still a bit shocked. “I won’t.”

“Even if they’re not ‘manly’ enough for you?” Zitao pushes, eyes narrowing again.

“Actually,” Kyungsoo says, suddenly getting an idea as he takes in the smooth lines of Zitao’s face and the smoke around his eyes. “I might ask you to help me with some.”

“Fashion?” Zitao asks, looking surprised.

“Make-up,” Kyungsoo says to clarify. “I need your help with make-up.”

Suddenly, Zitao is grinning. “Are you going to try to go for that manly kabuki style I did on Chanyeol to woo Sehun?”

“No,” Kyungsoo says, and grins himself as his mind begins working. “I need you to make me look like I’m dying.”

Zitao looks positively thrilled. “I can tell we’re going to be good friends,” he says with a purr on his tongue.

-

Homeroom on Friday morning is a strange affair. Rather than sitting with the usual crew of Chanyeol and Jongdae and his other classmates, Kyungsoo is sitting in the theater department make-up room with Chanyeol and Zitao staring at him. Chanyeol looks vaguely sick to his stomach and extremely concerned. Zitao looks about ready to jump up and down shrieking in triumph.

Overall, Kyungsoo considers both reactions to mean he looks perfect.

If that doesn’t tell him, Mrs. Kwon’s expression when he walks into the biology classroom certainly tells him. In fact, she apparently is so surprised she drops her thermos of coffee so it clangs on the floor loudly and everyone turns to stare.

At him.

Kyungsoo let’s a slow grin spread over his face.

A soft clearing of Mrs. Kwon’s throat has him looking back at her. “Kyungsoo,” she says, her voice even and strained with forced calm. “Please tell me that’s make-up and I don’t have to call 911 right now.”

“It’s make-up,” Kyungsoo assures her, gesturing to his face, neck and arms casually. He watches her swallow with difficulty. “I’ll change back into normal clothing before lunch. This is just for dramatic effect for my presentation.”

“Holy fuck!” Baekhyun exclaims when he walks in right before the bell. His eyes are huge and round, staring at him in rigid shock as Mrs. Kwon barks at him to watch his dirty mouth. “How am I supposed to watch my mouth when I’m too busy watching Kyungsoo Spawn of Death?”

“Mr. Byun kindly take your seat next to Mr. Kim and Mr. Park so we make proceed with class,” Mrs. Kwon tells him firmly before turning to Kyungsoo. “Well,” she says, taking in a deep breath. “Whenever you’re ready.”

Turning to the black board, Kyungsoo carefully writes the well known lyrics to a nursery rhyme the whole class grew up with as a game on the playground.

_Ring-a- round the rosie_  
Pocket full of posies  
Ashes! Ashes!  
We all fall down! 

Stepping back from the board, he places the chalk back by the board and lets the white dust linger on his hands. It blends in well with the soft coating of talc powder that stretches up his skin, littered with black and purple boils that rise from synthetic material stuck to his skin and painted to look like welts and sores.

Fingertips dipped in black ink, they look stained against his hands, and the pale yellow pallor to his skin makes him look ill and weak. His hair is unstyled and hangs about his face and he has dark circles under his eyes lined in black and lips painted cracked and white. As Kyungsoo turns to look at the class, he feels the tunic he borrowed from the theater costuming department brush against the latex protrusions that show at his neck, sticky and painted black and grotesque.

Looking at the class, Kyungsoo hands one of the girls closest to him the coat that he’d walked in with. “Pass it around,” he tells her, and she wordlessly obeys.

“Good morning,” Kyungsoo greets the class, turning on his iPod set up with a small speaker set to play ‘Scarborough Fair’ at a low volume. “Can anyone tell me what this rhyme means?”

Immediately, Chanyeol’s hand raises in the air. “It’s a nursery rhyme.”

“Can you tell me what it means?” Kyungsoo asks, and looks around the class. Mrs. Kwon is watching him with interest. “How about the first line. ‘Ring-a-round the rosie’. What might that mean?”

Silence.

Kyungsoo smiles, his eyes briefly flickering to where his coat is being passed around the room. “In the 14th century, Europe experienced one of the greatest catastrophes in human history. A simple by for a tiny flea would within days develop into a welt. The bite itself would swell, turning a bright red, and outside the welt a circle of red would appear around the welt. A ring around a rose-red welt.”

The class stares at him, the jacket slowly being passed from student to student as Kyungsoo turns to the board and writes ‘infection’ next to the first line of the rhyme. “Who can tell me about the second line?”

A hand raises, this time from Sunyoung who sits next to Jongdae. “Posies are flowers,” she says, looking hesitant. “A pocket full of flowers.”

“Right,” Kyungsoo says with a smile. “In Medieval Europe, medicine didn't accept that disease was caused by bacteria or germs. They didn’t believe in it, instead insisting that disease is from bad air or evil spirits. Doctors were just as much priests or spiritual healers, and, to try to ward of the foul stench and air that accompanied most cities and areas in the 14th century, they would carry flowers. As the death toll and putrid smell of people dying and suffering from disease spread, they would carry flowers either in their pockets or in masks over their mouth and nose to prevent the spread of the disease.”

On the board, he writes ‘disease/odor control’. “The most common herbs used at the time were parsley, sage, rosemary, and thyme, which are also sacred healing herbs.”

“Didn’t they see that it didn’t work though?” Baekhyun asks out of turn, looking a bit uneasy as he watches Kyungsoo at the front of the class. “Like, people were dying and the flowers obviously didn’t help.”

“Usually by the time they realized the flowers didn’t help, they were already dead,” Kyungsoo tells him, not bothering to berate him for not raising his hand. “Next we have ‘Ashes! Ashes!’ which means-“

“Disposal,” Jongdae calls through the classroom, and Kyungsoo smiles at him.

“Right.” Kyungsoo writes ‘mass corpse burnings’ next to the line of the rhyme on the board. “Too many people were dying from the plague to dig graves, and the graves couldn’t hold all the dead. So despite how traditional burial in Europe was through graves, they burned the dead to cut down, keep the bodies from rotting, and to help try to control the disease.”

A hand raises at the back of the classroom. Kyungsoo nods to the girl. “We all fall down,” she says, sounding a bit unsettled. “We all die?”

“Exactly,” Kyungsoo says, and smiles as he leans forward to accept his coat. It’s gone all the way around the room, and he nods in thanks as Mrs. Kwon hands it to him. “We all fall down dead. Ring-a-round the Rosie is a nursery time made to reflect the Bubonic Plague which swept most of Europe and is the most devastating disease we know. It was used as a warning, a reminder, and a memento for those who died during the plague, just as I am a living replica of what someone of that time infected would look like.”

“Sick,” whispers from somewhere in the room, and Kyungsoo’s smile widens.

“Precisely,” Kyungsoo says, nodding slowly. “The plague wasn’t spread through air or by evil spirits, but by insect bites. Fleas springing from their host rats onto clothing and biting their victims. The fleas contained in their bodies the Yersinia pestis, which was the plague bacteria. When they bit their victims, they would regurgitate the bacteria directly into the wound, placing the disease into the blood of the now infected life form.”

“Life form?” repeats Sunyoung, looking pale.

“Yes,” Kyungsoo tells her, and then the class. “The plague was specifically devastating because it affected everything. Animals and humans alike. The fleas would leap between the living warm bodies and transmit the disease.” He smiles, holding up his coat. “So just simple contact with an infected person’s clothing could transmit the disease.” Out of the corner of his eye, he sees Mrs. Kwon’s widened smile, her eyes dancing in amusement.

“Congratulations,” Kyungsoo tells his second period biology class, feeling excitement swell in his chest at the shocked and paled faces all turned towards him in dead silence. “You now all have the plague.”

-

**love**  
1\. that awkward feeling in what feels like your stomach (affects how you feel and think) which causes you to do/say really stupid things

 

Baekhyun is scowling, face pale and slightly greenish as he glowers with his eyes narrowed. Hunched over with his backpack clutched to his stomach, he pulls the most miserable accusing expression Kyungsoo has ever seen and focuses it on Kyungsoo.

“I,” he says, voice dripping with disgust. “Hate you. I hate you so much, I’ve never hated you before but now I understand what true hatred is because this is definitely it.”

Kyungsoo grins, reaching out to pat Baekhyun on the face, his fingers still black with ink and contrasting the yellow tint to his skin. Baekhyun lurches away from him, looking mortified and wheezing out something that sounds deliciously like ‘diseased!’ as he pulls back. “I love you too, Baekhyun,” Kyungsoo calls after him as Baekhyun slumps against the wall near the bathroom, looking distinctly ill.

“That,” Jongdae says, looking extremely proud. “Was awesome.”

“Why did you have to use all those images?” Chanyeol is saying weakly from somewhere behind him. “Why were there so many _diagrams?_ Why did it have to be so traumatic?”

“Excuse me,” Baekhyun calls, breaking away as he pushes into the main throng of people headed to the cafeteria. “I have to go be sick. Hopefully on someone but I’m not entirely picky.”

“Seriously, they’ll be talking about you for years,” Jongdae tells him, patting him delightedly on the back as Kyungsoo lets himself get swept along with the rush of completing his project.

He’s done. Finally _done_ and he’d wrapped up his presentation to most of the class slack jawed, staring in numb terror, or looking about ready to be sick on themselves. It was _perfect_. Mrs. Kwon looks practically exuberant as she’d given him his brief evaluation and then basically told him flat out he got a perfect grade.

A+

100 percent perfection.

Kyungsoo feels giddy, high on the fumes and light headed with excitement. It’s _done_ and Kyungsoo feels so happy and pleased and _right_ that he doesn’t care if Chanyeol’s delicate stomach balance has been compromised because he’s just given the best presentation of his life. And he _loved_ every second of it.

“Kyungsoo!” has him turning, still smiling in uncharacteristic broadness as he looks through the mass of people all on their way to lunch. Some of them jerk and startle as they see him (he hasn't been able to get to the costume room yet to take off his make-up) but he doesn't care. He can feel his chest swell even greater as he looks for the caller of his name, recognizing the voice.

“See you at lunch!” Jongdae tells him with a faint pat on the back as Sehun appears in the student throng.

It takes about one second for Sehun’s hopeful expression to drop into abject terror and concern. In a flash, Kyungsoo is being pushed back, Sehun right in front of him and with his hands everywhere, looking completely distraught.

“What happened to you?” Sehun is babbling, cool hands pressing to Kyungsoo’s forehead and patting down his chest, fingers shaking to touch the ‘buboes’ at his neck. “Oh my God, what are you even doing at school? You should be in the hospital looking like- Holy shit Kyungsoo!”

And Kyungsoo is laughing, the sound bubbling up happily from him and making him shake with it, grabbing Sehun’s scrambling hands and holding them firmly in his own. “Sehun!” he says loudly over Sehun’s rushed babbling.

“Kyungsoo! You’re sick, you look like you’re _dying_ and fuck, you-“

“Sehun! It’s make-up!” Kyungsoo speaks over him, still laughing and so happy. So happy to have Sehun here and worried and not avoiding him and his hands with his and he’s so happy. “I’m fine! I’m not sick I just did my plague presentation.”

Sehun, if anything, looks even more horrified. “That was _today_?” he gasps and then lets out a loud whine and look utterly crushed. “I was going to wish you luck and I didn’t know and- shit!”

“It’s fine,” Kyungsoo tells him, and watches as Sehun looks at him with apology and affection and guilt and still that hint of worry. His fingers curl back around Kyungsoo’s and it makes his chest fill even bigger. “I was fine, I did great, I-“ He almost feels too breathless to admit it. “I got an A.”

“You did?” Sehun says, sounding excited again. His cheeks are turning an adorable pink and Kyungsoo has never felt so fond of someone and also wanted to grab Sehun’s face and kiss him so hard his lips bruise. “That’s wonderful! Congratulations! I knew you’d do an amazing job, even if you didn’t have my luck, but you totally should have had it anyway even if I didn’t say it because-“ Kyungsoo starts laughing again. He missed hearing Sehun babble like an idiot. “Anyway, I’m so happy you’re done and I bet you were awesome. That’s so-“

“Kyungsoo!” cuts Sehun off and startles both of them. Kyungsoo feels himself stiffen and Sehun goes rigid, jerking back with his eyes wide. Before Kyungsoo can stop him, Sehun is tugging his hands from Kyungsoo’s and stepping back, as if he’s been burned, staring down the hall at Yixing as he runs towards them.

There isn’t even a moment for Kyungsoo to brace himself before Yixing is barreling into him with a huge gripping hug, laughing delightedly as he hugs him so tight.

“Congratulations!” Yixing says in a high breathless excited voice. Over his shoulder, Kyungsoo can see Sehun’s face crumble, his lower lip pulling between his teeth before it shuts down, closing off and Sehun is stepping back. Goddamnit. “I Just heard!” Yixing says, pulling back to hold Kyungsoo at arms length, fingers gripping around Kyungsoo’s shoulders. “Holy damn, you look horrifying! No wonder he looked sick!”

“Yeah,” Kyungsoo says weakly, wanting so badly to just shove Yixing off. “I’m supposed to have the plague.”

“You look so horrible, wow!” Yixing’s cheeks are pink from running and his eyes are dancing in excitement. “Baekhyun said you got a perfect grade on the project! That’s so wonderful I’m so happy for you!”

“Thanks,” Kyungsoo says, still smiling and still breathless even if he feels incredibly displaced. He glances to the side just as Sehun turns and mutters something before striding off.

It hits, hard, and Kyungsoo decides this is it.

“I mean, you’ve been working on it for ages and, seriously, I’m so glad those welts aren’t real, because-“

“Yixing,” Kyungsoo says, grabbing his hand before Yixing can poke at the latex wounds at his neck or get closer. Yixing blinks, mouth open as he’s stopped in mid speech. Kyungsoo takes in a deep breath, fits his hand against Yixing’s chest, and pushes gently until Yixing takes a step back. “Thank you,” he says, trying to put as much sincerity into his voice as he can. He is grateful, but he has something more important than listening to Yixing congratulate him right now. “Really, thank you so much. For- for everything.”

Yixing’s eyebrows knit together and he gives a sort of confused smile. “You’re welcome, I guess.”

“I mean it,” Kyungsoo says, because he does. Stepping back from Yixing, he squeezes his fingers once before letting them drop. “I really mean that. You helped me a lot over the last month or so and I just- right now I need to go do something.”

“Okay?” Yixing says, still looking confused as he watches Kyungsoo step back from him. Step down the hall to where Sehun had walked down and where Kyungsoo needs to be right now. “What do you have to do?”

“I have to try to make sure my story doesn’t turn into a tragedy,” Kyungsoo says, and smiles, turning away from Yixing’s confused and slightly shocked smile before he jogs down the hall with his heart beating hard in his chest.

It's near the theater rooms that Kyungsoo finally manages to spot Sehun. He’d barely dropped his bags off at the lunch booth before running off, feeling that nervous apprehension burning in him that happens after he does a performance or, in this case, presentation. He’s already having the delayed anxiety, and he can feel the rush from the completion of his project mix with it to make him feel like he’s filled with acid.

“Sehun!” Kyungsoo yells, and nearly trips over his own feet when Sehun jerks to the sound of his voice. For a split second, Sehun’s face looks hopeful, bright and open and so happy to see him and then it falls. “Sehun!” Kyungsoo yells again and doesn't think about being too loud as he hurries towards the end of the hall where Sehun is walking into-“

“Jesus!” Sehun yells as Kyungsoo grabs him, skidding a bit as Sehun wobbles and nearly slamming them into the walls. “Kyungsoo! I’m just-“

“I didn’t mean it!” Kyungsoo babbles, staring at him with his heart pounding too fast.

“What?”

“I didn’t mean it. I didn’t mean him, I don’t mean- I mean he means, or, you mean, It's not what you think!” Kyungsoo has no idea what he’s saying, just that Sehun is looking at him with incredibly wide eyes and his breaths are short as they fan against his face.

“Okay, whatever it is you’re trying to say is seriously scaring the shit out of me because you sound delirious and you look like you’re dying,” Sehun tells him with his voice a bit too tight. “Please tell me you’re not dying, I really don’t want you to die.”

“I’m not dying,” Kyungsoo tells him firmly. “It's all make-up. Zitao helped me put it on for my presentation and-“

“Zitao?” Sehun’s face pales. “You know Zi- how do you know Zitao?”

“Kabuki and he threatened me,” Kyungsoo waves off. “But-“

“He _threatened_ you?”

“Sehun! Listen to me!”

“You look like you should be hospitalized, how am I supposed to listen to you when you look like you’re about to keel over dead and I have to pee!” Sehun half yells and his cheeks are so pink and his eyes are so big and terrified.

“You-“ Kyungsoo blinks. “You have to pee?”

“Oh my god,” Sehun wheezes, slumping back and trying to push Kyungsoo off of him. “Where the hell did you think I was going?”

Looking up Kyungsoo realizes they’re standing just outside the boys bathroom near the theater rooms. “Oh,” he says. “Okay, so, go pee and- and then I really have to talk to you.” Sehun gives him a look that looks so restrained, like he’s pleading for Kyungsoo to just let him go. “Please.”

Finally letting out a huge shaking sigh, Sehun shoves him off, turning and shuffling quickly into the bathroom and yelling a quick “fine!” as he goes. Sehun ends up, for some reason, locking himself in one of the stalls (despite the fact that there are urinals) and Kyungsoo stares at himself in the bathroom mirror.

He really does look terrifying. Taking in his appearance, he’s not surprised really at how people react to him with near terror and shock because, honestly, he looks about three minutes away from confirmed death.

“Fuck,” Sehun says, finally emerging from the stall and looking immediately like he wants to go back inside. “You seriously-“

“I know,” Kyungsoo says, and tries to push down the nerves that won’t seem to leave him alone. “Look, I was going to take it off in the costume room before lunch but-“

“Good,” Sehun says, and looks a bit paler than usual. “I seriously don’t even know if I can eat lunch now after seeing you like this. Like, I doubt that Chanyeol and Baekhyun will be able to eat anything. This might be the first lunch that they-“

“I need to talk to you,” Kyungsoo says.

“Do you have to look like that?” Sehun asks, and his voice is so weak. “You- you look like you’re dying and- Kyungsoo, it’s so scary.” Looking at Sehun’s face, the way his eyes flicker and his breaths are too short, the way his hands look like they’re almost shaking, Kyungsoo realizes.

Sehun is scared. He knows Kyungsoo isn’t actually dying, but-

“Come on,” Kyungsoo says, reaching forward and grabbing Sehun around the wrist. It’s damp from him washing his hands, but still warm and Kyungsoo feels a jump of warmth through him. It keeps the pounding of his heart in his ears as he tugs Sehun into the costume room and gives Zitao (who apparently spends all his time in here) a pointed look.

“I have to go,” Zitao announces as Sehun hesitates at the door. He flashes Kyungsoo a meaningful look as he passes and closes the door pointedly behind him.

“Sit,” Kyungsoo says, pointed at the chair Chanyeol had used before as he grabs a container of cold cream. He takes in a deep breath, and then opens it with shaking hands, pulling tissues and rubbing the stuff into the mak- up covering his arms and neck, trying to keep himself from shaking.

“Kyungs-“

“I’m not dating Yixing,” Kyungsoo says firmly. “I'm not dating him, and I never was dating him, and I’m never going to date him.”

“Kyung-“

“I don’t want to date him,” Kyungsoo barrels on. “He’s nice, but so are dogs, and that doesn’t mean I have to be a dog person. I just like cats, and even if he’s really nice, I’d rather be with cats. I love cats.” Sehun’s eyebrows are furrowed in confusion. “And cats like me,” Kyungsoo finishes.

For a long moment, Sehun just stares at him, and Kyungsoo stills with cold cream smeared on his skin. “You like cats,” Sehun says slowly, wetting his lips. Kyungsoo nods. Then Sehun sighs, standing up and grabbing some of the tissues. “Thank God this comes off,” Sehun sighs, drawing the tissue in his hand over Kyungsoo’s arm and cleaning the make-up from it. Under the yellow pallor and make-up is Kyungsoo’s healthy skin. “Don’t do that to people, Kyungsoo. People care about you, and when you-“

“You care,” Kyungsoo says, staring at Sehun. Standing so close, Kyungsoo can see the slight pink at the tip of Sehun’s nose, the way his eyes shine a little too much. “You are about me. A lot.”

“Of course I care about you!” Sehun says, sounding exasperated as he grabs the cold cream and reaches for Kyungsoo’s face. He’s not as gentle when he smears the cream on Kyungsoo’s skin, instead his face pinched and cheeks turning blotchy. “I’ve always cared about you! Just because I spend a few days not talking to you or- Kyungsoo, you idiot. Yes, I care about you.”

“Because you like me.” Kyungsoo’s skin flares where Sehun is swiping away the disease make-up, the tissue rough in contrast to the soft touch of his fingers.

“No shit,” Sehun huffs, though when he swallows Kyungsoo can see how tight his throat is. Working hard and his adam’s apple bobbing. “Of course I like you. I wouldn’t be your friend if I didn’t-“

“No, I mean you-“ Sehun’s hand stills on his neck, peeling off one of the latex buboes “-don't like me as a friend you like me-“ Sehun’s breath is short, his eyes widening as he stares at Kyungsoo and his face pales and pinks at the same time in blotchy shock “-more than that.”

Instead of looking surprised, or perhaps relieved, Sehun looks mortified. Tongue flashing out to his lips, Sehun steps back quickly, pulling away and his eyes swim in hurt. Betrayal. “You knew?” he asks and his voice sounds so small, so disbelieving. “You-“ he takes in a shaking breath, and he looks so- so small. Like Kyungsoo has just lied to him and punched him for good measure. “You _knew!?_ ”

“Well-“

“You _knew_ I liked you!” Sehun wheezes, his voice cracking too high as it rises. “Fuck,” he swears and suddenly there are tears spilling down his face as he backs up. “You knew the whole time? You knew I liked you and you still- you- Kyungsoo, you just- fuck!”

“I didn’t-“

“I felt _awful_!” Sehun half yells, and reaches up furiously to brush at his tears with the backs of his hands. He sniffs, hard, and shakes his head. “Every time I pushed or said something where I thought I was keeping you to myself, where I thought you didn’t know and every time- Kyungsoo I felt so- you used me!”

“No, I-!”

“Do you have any idea how much it sucked to watch you, to tell you give Yixing a fucking chance because I hated seeing you so stupid and unhappy and I thought-“ Sehun is taking in gulping gasps for air, tears streaming down his face. This isn’t what Kyungsoo wanted to have happen at all. This is _not_ what he meant to have happen. “I thought I was doing the right thing and then- then you kept just coming back! And I thought it was because you trusted me and I- you bastard!”

“I didn’t know!” Kyungsoo yells finally, loud and it rips on his voice so it hurts. “Sehun, shut up a second!”

“No!” Sehun says, stomping his foot and violently wiping his nose on his shirtsleeve with a loud wet sniff. “No, I’m not going to shut up. Screw being quiet, I hate being quiet because I’m upset because you know what? My feelings _do_ matter and I-“

“I know!” Kyungsoo says, raising his voice over Sehun. There isn’t enough air in his lungs, or throat, and he can hear his pulse pounding in his ears. “I know they matter! That's what I’m trying to tell you! They matter to me and I didn’t-“

“They-“

“I didn’t _know_ before,” Kyungsoo barrels on. “I didn’t know and I didn’t understand but now I do and I don't want Yixing or anyone else because I want you!”

Sehun is staring at him, eyes wide and with tears wet down his blotchy pink cheeks and nose bright pink from crying and his lips redder than usual. Sehun has snot on his shirt sleeve, and Kyungsoo doesn't care. Sehun doesn’t look handsome or manly or cute or funny or hot he just looks like he’s so stunned he’s forgotten for a moment how to breathe.

“I’m sorry,” Kyungsoo says, and his voice is rough from yelling and his throat being so tight. Hastily wiping the cold cream from his hands, he can feel his hands shaking when he pushes his soft hair from his face, staring up at Sehun. “I’m sorry because I didn’t know, and it took me so long to figure it out, but I don’t want a stupid manly man or someone who is what I think I want or someone other people think I want because I know what I want even if I’m a stupid high school student who doesn't know what I want.”

It sounds so disordered and confusing but it feels better to just say it. Sehun’s eyes flicker, and he’s still got water leaking from his eyes as he stares at Kyungsoo. He takes in a shaking breath, just staring at him, as if he’s afraid to move. The licks his lips. “You are a stupid high school student.”

“So are you,” Kyungsoo says, and steps forward. Sehun doesn’t move away, or flinch or do anything aside from stare at him with those flickering eyes. “And I guess that means that I’m still figuring out what things really mean, and what I really feel.”

“What you feel?” Sehun asks, and his voice is light, breathless. “I thought you didn't like feelings.”

“Well, this mostly feels like my heart is a flipping pancake and my stomach is a writhing nest of snakes,” Kyungsoo says. “But you make me feel so happy when I’m with you, and it’s comfortable and safe and I get annoyed when you bother me but even more annoyed when you don’t. And I really, really like you.”

“You suck,” Sehun says as Kyungsoo steps closer, into his personal space. He gives a shaking little hiccupping breath as Kyungsoo reaches up and brushes away some of the lines of tears down his splotchy teenage face. “You look like a plague victim and you can’t confess for shit and-“

“I’m sorry,” Kyungsoo says, and that too big everything in him is back. Where he feels too small for how big he feels and yet everything is okay and nothing makes sense but it _does_.

“Stop apologizing, you idiot,” Sehun lets out a weak wet laugh. “I’m happy.” For someone who looks completely miserable, face stained with tears and mouth twitching between a prominent frown and a weird pained smile, Sehun doesn’t look happy. But he does lean into Kyungsoo’s hand and finally let out a shaking breath. “As long as you are.”

There it is.

The smile that threatens to spread over his face is too big, but Kyungsoo doesn’t stop it. “Sehun?”

“What?” mumbles from Sehun as he sniffs and glances up to meet Kyungsoo’s eyes. Sehun’s eyes are lined in red and puffy and his lips are bright and shining from him biting them a moment before. “You really look horrible, you know.”

“So do you, honestly,” Kyungsoo tells him, and Sehun frowns at him in a small pout. Kyungsoo’s heart flip-flops hard against his chest. “Can I kiss you?”

“Can you-“ Sehun’s eyes widen, his breath catching a little. “You just told me I looked horrible and you want to _kiss_ me? You’re dressed like a victim of a plague and it's the middle of lunch and- I don’t want you to if you don’t –“

“Sehun,” Kyungsoo says, watching as Sehun babbles and his cheeks go pinker and it’s cute and entirely Sehun. Nervous but there and honest and Kyungsoo can’t help but smile at him. “Can I please just kiss you?”

“Are you contagious?” Sehun asks in a smaller voice, and his eyes flicker so fast between Kyungsoo’s. Kyungsoo lets out a nervous laugh of his own and shakes his head no. He can feel it, the soft numb feeling where he’s not allowed himself to get scared even if he is and the adrenalin is going to crash into him in just a second and leave him shaking but he needs to do this. “I-“ Sehun nervously wets his lips, and Kyungsoo lets his eyes flicker to them for a moment, his breath hitching. “Um, yes.”

Breath rushing from him in a whoosh, Kyungsoo manages to get out an “okay, good,” before he’s reaching up with his other hand, cupping Sehun’s face, and pulling him down into a kiss. He misses, actually, and manages to smack their noses together that earns a loud yelp from Sehun and Kyungsoo starts laughing, the first click of release right as he leans up and tries again.

This time, Kyungsoo doesn’t miss, and the soft press of Sehun’s lips to his own sends a shiver through him that isn’t a rush or a crash of feelings. It’s just warm, spreading through him comfortable and happy and sweet, just like Sehun. He leans into it, pulling Sehun closer and letting his fingers drift to bury in Sehun’s hair as he feels Sehun kiss him back. It’s nervous, almost like Sehun isn’t sure if it’s okay.

So Kyungsoo kisses him harder, again and again until his breaths are too hot and his mind is going a little fizzy with how nice kissing Sehun is. He really likes kissing Sehun, enough that he keeps going, encouraging Sehun for more, feeling little tingles every time Sehun gives a little more, kisses him more and his lips catch Kyungsoo’s with more insistence.

Pulling and leaning up, Kyungsoo tugs Sehun down into his kisses, mouth parting and getting Sehun’s to do the same, a shiver going through him as Sehun lets out a soft little sound. He wants more, tugging gently at Sehun’s soft hair and his breath catches as Sehun’s hands come to rest against his sides. Leaning up, with arms wrapping around Sehun’s neck, Kyungsoo kisses him one more time, long and with feeling, reveling in the feeling of Sehun’s hands on his waist, holding him steady.

Reveling in the way that Sehun kisses him back, just as much behind the kiss, and how he feels like everything inside him is shivering light.

Opening his eyes, he looks up at Sehun, his dazed blinking eyes meeting Kyungsoo’s and lets out a shaky laugh from his smile. “You,” Kyungsoo says, smiling up at Sehun and feeling okay.

It's okay, everything is okay, because Sehun is Sehun and Kyungsoo is Kyungsoo and Sehun likes Kyungsoo and Kyungsoo likes Sehun. Nothing about that is wrong or makes what Kyungsoo likes or doesn’t like any more or less important because in the end, he likes Sehun the most.

“I like you the most,” Kyungsoo says, smiling so big it feels like it’ll burst from him. He keeps smiling as Sehun’s eyes crease in a matching smile, his lips curved up in that wide grin that he only shows to people he’s comfortable with, and Kyungsoo is happy.

Incredibly, fantastically, happy.

-

It’s movie night.

This means that unlike the other nights where Kyungsoo is dragged to the theater by Baekhyun to sit through some shitbrained comedy, it’s just Sehun and him. This means that there’s a huge bowl of nachos on the floor, Kyungsoo is spread out on the couch, and Sehun is using him as his own human sized cuddle.

This means that they’re watching some movie Sehun picked out about sea monsters that are actually aliens and Kyungsoo has been running his fingers through Sehun’s hair for the last twenty minutes. Movie night now means Sehun sighing happily against where he’s pillowed his head on Kyungsoo’s chest, wrapped around him, and refuses to feed Kyungsoo any nachos.

“You have hands,” Sehun says loftily, popping another nacho into his mouth and getting chip crumbs on the couch and, incidentally, Kyungsoo. “You can feed yourself.”

“I was the one that made the nachos,” Kyungsoo reminds him, his hand pausing as he twists a lock of Sehun’s hair between his fingers. “Consider this your way of thanking me.”

“My way of thanking you is by actually saying thank you,” Sehun informs him, popping another nacho into his mouth and chewing pointedly. He shifts a bit, purposefully wiggling a bit more against Kyungsoo. “So, thank you for making the nachos, Kyungsoo. Feed yourself.”

“Brat,” Kyungsoo scolds without heat, and smiles a bit as Sehun clicks his tongue softly.

Not a lot has changed. If anything, most of it is exactly the same. Sehun is still the exact same as he was before, except with a bit less teen angst, and Kyungsoo is still himself, though perhaps a bit less tense all the time. Chanyeol gave a bang out presentation on Typhoid and Baekhyun managed to completely come out of left field and get himself an A for his project on Spontaneous Human Combustion.

Baekhyun also accidentally set himself on fire with the demonstration, and admitted later to the lunch table that his impromptu demonstration of what to do if you spontaneously combust was entirely made up.

The only real difference is that Kyungsoo smiles more and there isn’t any hesitancy to let Sehun intertwine their fingers or lean on him. There are kisses now involved in how they touch all the time, and that one time Kyungsoo found out some really interesting sounds Sehun makes when he has his tongue sucked on. Overall though, it’s just them.

It’s not overly romantic, or dramatic, and Kyungsoo is happy.

“Hey,” Sehun says, rolling over onto his stomach and resting his chin on Kyungsoo’s chest. He has his hair pushed back from Kyungsoo’s fingers running through it. They’re not officially dating, but they are, well, a thing. They’re still just going a bit slow on things.

Mostly because…

“Hey,” Kyungsoo answers, pushing Sehun’s hair back again from his face and letting his fingers slip through the soft strands.

Sehun gives a small little frown, and wets his lips, leaving them glossy and pink. “Did you talk to him yet?”

Because of Yixing.

“I was going to talk to him on Monday,” Kyungsoo tells him, feeling a bit of that stone weight sink into his stomach. Right about where Sehun’s jacket zipper is digging into him. “Take him aside during lunch and just-“

“Okay,” Sehun says, and doesn’t get annoyed, just smiles sweet. He takes in a soft quick breath, and scrunches up his face again, as if wanting to say something.

“What?” Kyungsoo asks, letting his hand drop from Sehun’s hair to tug on his ear gently. Just like Sehun used to do to him.

“I just-“ Sehun bites his lip again, eyes clouded before he lets out a soft sort of determined sigh. “Are you happy?”

“No,” Kyungsoo says and Sehun’s eyes widen in dismay. Kyungsoo simply raises his eyebrows pointedly. “You keep refusing to feed me nachos, how could I-“

Kyungsoo is cut off as Sehun shoves his hand over his face, pushing him back into the couch with an exasperated huff. It sends Kyungsoo laughing, trying to shove Sehun’s hand off of him as his boyfriend, his _boyfriend_ begins rambling heatedly about stupid assholes and their no-good nacho pride.

The rambling only stops when Kyungsoo kicks Sehun off the couch and Sehun ends up with a shriek glaring up at him from the floor with his elbows in said nachos. “Jerk,” Sehun grumbles, but the huff on his voice vanishes when Kyungsoo leans down and kisses him. He tastes like salt and cheese and Kyungsoo gives a little lick that makes Sehun shiver against him. “That’s cheating.” The smile on Sehun’s face suggests he doesn’t mind though.

“I know,” Kyungsoo says, and pecks his cheek, pulling Sehun back onto the couch with him. “And I am happy,” he reassures, and watches as Sehun’s smile lights up. “Really.”

“Well, I mean you are dating me, so-“ Sehun snuffles into laughter as Kyungsoo tugs him down, shutting him up by burying Sehun’s face in the crook of his neck and his grin in the side of Sehun’s head. Sehun isn’t the stereotypical boyfriend, the perfect guy or the ideal man, but he makes Kyungsoo happy, no matter how manly he is or whatever else he might be.

-

**real friend**  
a person who makes your problems theirs and tries to help you through them… however sometimes creating them

 

When Yixing smiles, really smiles, he looks the strange combination of devastatingly handsome and completely adorable. He even has _one_ dimple that presses into his cheek while the other side of his face is smoothly perfect. His eyes light up, and his lips spread so pretty and the creases around his eyes look almost childlike. He laughs easily and sometimes claps when he does and will listen intently or intensely involve himself in a conversation where he just dominates with his energy.

It’s dizzying.

But when Yixing smiles, it’s like the biggest crime in the universe would be to take that smile off his face.

Across the table, Sehun is giving him a pointed look. The same look is mirrored on Zitao’s, Seulgi’s, Sunyoung’s, Jongdae’s, and Chanyeol’s faces. The only person who doesn't seem to be making it their life mission to stare Kyungsoo into immediate guilt is Baekhyun. As Baekhyun is currently involved in trying to get Yixing to watch him balance a water bottle on his head though, Kyungsoo isn’t really surprised.

“Um,” Kyungsoo says, turning to Yixing and laying his hand over the hand Yixing has casually let rest against his knee. Yixing turns to him, eyes wide and blinking and expectant. “I need to talk to you.”

“Okay,” says Yixing, and sits, blinks once, waiting expectantly.

Literally the entire table is watching them. Even as Kyungsoo glances and sees them all diligently eating their lunches, he knows they’re watching them. “Um,” Kyungsoo starts, and Baekhyun finally seems to realize something is happening and no one is watching him try to train for the circus.

“Is something wrong?” Yixing asks him, and the hand on Kyungsoo’s thigh squeezes.

Stiffening, Kyungsoo tries not to lose his nerves. His eye catches on Sehun’s a little down the table and he takes in a quick steadying breath. “Well, not, um, not with you.”

How is Kyungsoo supposed to break up with someone he’s not sure he was ever really dating in the first place.

Yixing’s smile is gone and Kyungsoo is pretty sure a little part of him is going to go to Hell. “What?”

“I mean, there was nothing wrong with you, you’re great, really great and I like you a lot and you’re really nice and anyone would be lucky to have you,” Kyungsoo says in one long breath and has to take a sharp breath in. Swallowing at Yixing’s slowly spreading shock, he glances to the side. At Baekhyun. “Like Baekhyun. Baekhyun would be super lucky to have you. Because you’re amazing and he loves your pecs and never shuts up about them. Or your thighs.”

Baekhyun’s face is slowly transforming into a mix of shock and mild disbelief, like he can’t believe what Kyungsoo is saying.

Kyungsoo can’t believe what he’s saying, and when he looks back at Yixing, Yixing also looks so shocked and confused, almost like he’s worried Kyungsoo is sick.

“Are you okay?” Yixing asks, and he even sounds concerned.

“I just-“ Kyungsoo is _really_ not good at this. “I like you a lot, Yixing, but as a friend.” Yixing’s eyebrows furrow suddenly, and he looks even more muddled. “But only as a friend, and I didn’t mean to lead you on or-“

“Wait,” Yixing says, blinking quickly and leaning back a little. Gone is the hand on Kyungsoo’s thigh. Gone is the shock, replaced by confusion and dawning comprehension all that once. “Wait you thought- you thought I’ve been trying to _date_ you.”

Kyungsoo blinks, shocked at the completely gobsmacked look on Yixing’s face. Across from them, Baekhyun looks like someone has just smacked him with a brick. “Well,” Kyungsoo says, suddenly feeling very stupid. “Yes?”

“But-!” Yixing is reeling back, looking confused and hurt and guilt and then annoyed all in quick concession. He looks at Kyungsoo, then at Baekhyun, then at the table, then at Kyungsoo, back at Baekhyun, and then back at Kyungsoo with a sort of confounded look on his face. “Kyungsoo, why would I be trying to date you?”

There is a sort of collective hush over the table, most everyone completely ignoring their attempts to look like they’re not eavesdropping by staring blatantly. Kyungsoo feels incredibly lost, staring at Yixing’s befuddled expression and having no idea how to answer that. “You mean you weren’t trying to date me?”

“Why would you think that?” comes a new voice, and Kyungsoo jerks to look up at Jongin as the freshman walks up to the table. He’s holding his lunch tray and frowning at Kyungsoo in confusion. “Yixing’s been going out with Baekhyun since the first week of school.”

That soft slow feeling of having ice and lead sink into every inch of his body fills Kyungsoo, and he slowly turns his head to rest his focus on Baekhyun. Aside from the shock of Jongin actually noticing something before _everyone else_ , Kyungsoo is pretty sure that what’s occurring in his body is blind fury. Wisely, Baekhyun looks about three seconds from screaming bloody murder and running for his life.

Which would be a very good idea, considering Kyungsoo _very much_ wants to strangle him right now.

“You _what?!_ ” Kyungsoo ends in a yell that silences half the cafeteria.

“Hey,” Baekhyun says, shrinking down into his seat one second and then leaping out the next when Kyungsoo twitches towards him. “Look, it wasn’t- I was going to tell you but- well, then it just kept going and it was so funny but then-“ Kyungsoo actually growls at him, tense and feeling rigid as he glares at his so call ‘best friend’. “Okay, so not super funny. But look! Now we’re all friends and it’s that great? Hurray!”

Baekhyun lets out this horrible very weak sounding wheeze of laughter that dies very quickly.

“So the whole time,” Yixing says, staring in a slow scowl of comprehension between Kyungsoo and Baekhyun. “You thought I was trying to date you? Not try to get to know you as a friend? I thought Baekhyun told you he was nervous about, well, us dating.”

“No,” Kyungsoo growls, and Baekhyun lets out a soft little whimper. “He didn’t.”

For some unfathomable reason to Kyungsoo, Yixing starts laughing, leaning into the booth with his head thrown back and shaking with amusement as he looks at Baekhyun. “You asshole,” he laughs, staring at his apparent boyfriend in sparkling wonderful amusement.

“I’m gonna kill you,” Kyungsoo tells Baekhyun in cold firm toneless rage. “I am going to kill you. Right now.”

“Not if you can’t catch me,” Baekhyun quips, and lets out an almighty scream the next moment as Kyungsoo launches over Yixing and out of the booth. Tearing after his ‘best friend’ as Baekhyun sprints out of the cafeteria, Kyungsoo swears on everything he owns that he’s going to lock Baekhyun in a tank and fill it with every single bug he knows exists for Baekhyun putting him through this shit.

Sat down in the principals office, Baekhyun with a bloody lip and a black eye and Kyungsoo with raw knuckles, Baekhyun finally turns to him. “It got out of hand,” he admits.

“Yes,” Kyungsoo growls at him, still fuming. He refuses to look at him. “It did, you son of a _fuckhead_.”

Baekhyun winces. “I’m sorry,” Baekhyun says quietly.

Kyungsoo stills, finally turning to him. It’s so rare that Baekhyun apologizes that sometimes Kyungsoo forgets that he knows how to do it. “Why didn’t you just _tell_ me like a normal person? Did you really have to fuck around with me and screw me up just for a laugh?”

“You say that like you expect me to be a normal person,” Baekhyun says with a soft chuckle and glances at Kyungsoo from the side. “You know better than that.” Kyungsoo makes as if to jab Baekhyun in the side with his elbow and Baekhyun flinches away with a soft yelp. “I was scared.”

“Scared?” Kyungsoo asks in disbelief. “You were more scared to tell me you had a damn boyfriend than to try to get me to _date_ your stupid boyfriend and _watch_ as it all spiraled to Hell?” Baekhyun gives him a weak twisted smile. “You sick masochistic shit head.”

“I was scared to actually date him,” Baekhyun clarifies. He licks his lips, and Kyungsoo, still frowning, stares at him, listening. “I mean, yeah, he’s really nice and, well, I like him. But every other person I like ends up being nuts or a bag of moldy dicks so I don’t really trust myself when I like people. And I just- I was scared I’d fuck up someone who was, well-“

“Decent,” Kyungsoo finishes for him, and feels a little less angry.

“Yeah,” Baekhyun says. “That’s it. So, I kind of just did what I do best and just-” he makes a strange sort of hand motion “-mucked up everything so I didn’t have to think about it.”

“You’re a horrible person,” Kyungsoo tells him flatly.

“Yeah, but at least I know that,” Baekhyun says with a grin. “I never expected you to actually go along with stuff and get so wrapped up in it.” Kyungsoo glares at him again, jaw tensing. After _everything_ that happened, he finds out that it was all just a mess. Not even specifically a mess that he put himself in, though Kyungsoo’s mess ended up being a bit different, but none the less a mess that wasn’t even specifically his _fault_. “But I am sorry,” Baekhyun says again.

“You should probably apologize to Yixing too,” Kyungsoo tells him gruffly. “And Sehun. And all of us.” He lets out a breath. “Asshole,” he adds.

“I will,” Baekhyun says and then leans back with a sigh. “Even I have to know when the joke is over and my time on the stage is up.” He grins, looking back at Kyungsoo with a bit of an apologetic slant to his mouth. “Still friends?”

Studying him for a moment, Kyungsoo doesn’t get a chance to answer him as the Principal calls for them. As they’re leaving the office, having explained what happened and both been given a week of detention, Kyungsoo finally turns to Baekhyun and stops him with a tug at his wrist.

“Maybe,” he tells him firmly, and Baekhyun looks a bit pleased. “But if you do something like this again, I swear to God I’m going to murder you.”

“Hey, just look at it this way,” Baekhyun says, reaching up and clapping Kyungsoo on the shoulder. “If I hadn’t fucked up your life, you and Sehun would still be playing ring-a-round the feelings.” He grins, winking once before stepping back, leaving Kyungsoo feeling both furious and amused and giddy, which is a strange mix of things to feel. “You can thank me later!” Baekhyun calls over his shoulder.

“You okay?” Sehun asks when he sees Kyungsoo later after school, looking a bit worried.

“Yeah,” Kyungsoo says, sighing and feeling lighter despite the weight of detention for the next week. He looks up at Sehun, and smiles, because maybe Baekhyun was right. “Yeah, I’m fine. I’m great.” He reaches up, cupping the back of Sehun’s neck gently with his hand and just holding him, smiling and feeling warm. “Never better.”

Sehun rolls his eyes, throwing an arm over Kyungsoo’s shoulders and tucking him to his side, letting Kyungsoo lean on him as he bows to him. “Only you could say you’re fine after getting detention for a week with bloody knuckles.”

“Things could be worse,” Kyungsoo says.

“I know,” Sehun says, and looks down at him with a smug smile. “That’s why you have me.”

Kyungsoo smiles, happy and full and content as he leans in, happy to be what he is, how he is, and who he is. Happy just to be himself.

**✏**

**School’s Out**

**✏**

**Author's Note:**

> For those confused about the class and school structure, the school that is featured here operates on a red day/white day calendar and schedule, similar to [here](http://mcauliffe.dpsk12.org/calendar/calendar-and-schedule/).  
> The schedule is broken down specifically so that classes last for exactly 80 minutes, and four classes are held each day. The classes are divided up as First Period, Homeroom (20 minutes), Second Period, {Lunch A,} Third Period (A), {Lunch B}, Third Period (B), {Lunch C}, Fourth Period. Third period and Lunch are divided up into three sections, as the whole school alternates when they have lunch. So, Third period is either a full 80 minutes with lunch A or B either before or after, or broken into two 40 minute segment with Lunch B between the two segments. This pattern is seen in Kyungsoo's schedule during his days when he has back to back choir and chorale, in which lunch occurs in the middle of third period.  
> If there are further questions as to the structure of the school or specifics within the story, please feel free to ask away :)
> 
> Things mentioned~
> 
> ✧In the first segment, the anime mentioned that Kyungsoo fell asleep to is 'Madoka Magica'. Viewer discretion advised.  
> ✧The commercial for the ASPCA mentioned in Kyungsoo and Sehun’s conversation about animal adoption was aired back in the early 2000's years. The song was 'Angel' by Sarah McLachlan.  
> ✧The song 'Hold On' is an actual piece by Moses Hogan, a famous spiritual composer in the 90's.  
> ✧All of the research and information from Kyungsoo about the Black Death is correct, and can be found online through various sources.  
> ✧Insung and Hyojin are Jo In-Sung and Gong Hyo-jin who were Kyungsoo's costars in the drama he was in 'It's Okay, That's Love' and Kyungsoo is, in real life, good friends with In-sung.  
> ✧The movies Yixing listed at the independent theater are Miss Potter (2006), The Iron Lady (2011), and Kinky Boots (2005).  
> ✧The dance style that Sehun and Yixing work on for their choreo is referred to as 'Urban'. Sehun specifically during an interview indicated he felt his personal style was Urban, which is reflected in the 'Growl' choreo. The choreography envisioned for Yixing's dance team is heavily based off of Girin's dance troup 'CUPCAKES', which can be found on Youtube.  
> ✧Marvel Movie References Clarification:  
> Steve Rogers = Captain America.  
> Bucky Barns = Steve Rogers' best buddy.  
> Bruce Banner = The Hulk.  
> ✧The anime Jongin and Chanyeol argue about described as 'anime basketball boys' is 'Kuroko no Basket', sometimes shortened to 'kurobasu'  
> ✧The song played in Kyungsoo's plague presentation 'Scarborough Fair' is an old traditional tune about two lovers in the time of the plague.


End file.
